It's not all black and white

[Water-Lily]

I talked to my therapist about my feelings on suicidality. How I want to make a choice in the future on life or death based on how far I recover. On how I want to approach it not from impulsivity but from rational. She said "Jess, it's not that black and white. Recovery exists on a continuum. You are always learning new things about yourself. The way you feel in one point of your life will be different from the next. Though one thing is certain: the choices your make in your day to day life determine what is your future. You can live your life mostly in self-care or self defeat. Where do you stand?"'. So I told her self-defeat. I told her self-care is hard and this week was a hard mental health week. Literally stayed in bed for 3 days straight and ate junk food. She said "that's ok".

Definetly made me think. Look guys, I really really don't want to die. But I also, don't know if I want to live. I am scared. I am scared of being abused again. I am scared of being hurt again. I am scared of resurfacing memories of trauma I maybe don't know about. I am scared of something happening to me. I am scared of not being able to survive. Suicidality will likely remain a prt of me for a very long time. And I don't want to lose that because a part of me wants to, wants to die. I am in limbo, and I am scared shitless. God help me.

 

[Beachedwhale]

I feel similarly.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, many people do not want to die really, they just want to escape from pain and they see death as the only way to do that. Life can be a scary thing and there is the potential for so many things to go wrong. It can be hard.

 

[lost_soul83]

I talked to my therapist about my feelings on suicidality. How I want to make a choice in the future on life or death based on how far I recover. On how I want to approach it not from impulsivity but from rational. She said "Jess, it's not that black and white. Recovery exists on a continuum. You are always learning new things about yourself. The way you feel in one point of your life will be different from the next. Though one thing is certain: the choices your make in your day to day life determine what is your future. You can live your life mostly in self-care or self defeat. Where do you stand?"'. So I told her self-defeat. I told her self-care is hard and this week was a hard mental health week. Literally stayed in bed for 3 days straight and ate junk food. She said "that's ok".

Definetly made me think. Look guys, I really really don't want to die. But I also, don't know if I want to live. I am scared. I am scared of being abused again. I am scared of being hurt again. I am scared of resurfacing memories of trauma I maybe don't know about. I am scared of something happening to me. I am scared of not being able to survive. Suicidality will likely remain a prt of me for a very long time. And I don't want to lose that because a part of me wants to, wants to die. I am in limbo, and I am scared shitless. God help me.

Wish I could stay in bed for 3 days and indulge my bipolar, depressed ass for a change. Instead, I get to sob while I'm doing all my day-to-day, mundane tasks. Yipee!

 

[Water-Lily]

Death is permanent....living leaves opportunity.....but what if death could be better.....I dont want to die.....but how can you experience happiness, long term happiness, if the first years of your life was fucking torture? is death better? I dont know
I don't want it to be over, but at the same time I don't want to live my life in pain. I just want to be happy or at the very least, be at peace. I cant do it
All I know is that I am 23. Life could get better, or so much fucking worse. But if I want it to get better I have to live it in the now. If I want it to get worse I can fuck everythign up now. But I don't want to commit to either. So I self sabotage. I;m a fucking failure