It's my birthday. My journal entry from a year ago on this day is filled with self hate in choppy hand writing and wishing I were dead. There have been positive moments in-between, like visiting my favorite beach over the summer, seeing my favorite artist in concert three times, graduating university, and started a job that I love. The greatest thing was when I didn't have flashbacks the moment I woke up for a couple of weeks in the summer.
But it always comes back. Behind every thought, every sound, everything I see or touch. My every waking moment is stacked like I'm living a double life. One side of me is walking down the street while the other side of me is trapped in the memory of the abuse I experienced. I've never left that place or that day. It's been about 3 and a half years now.
It's my birthday and I'm alone. I've been up since 4:30am, saying goodbye to the age I so looked forward to before the darkness. I don't know how I manage to breath despite the waves of pain and terror suffocating me every moment of every day. It's my birthday, and I truly can not imagine myself living past 2-3 more years, not at this rate. It's my birthday and I wish I could turn back time and change the one innocent decision that led to my world being turned upside down. Oh how stupid I feel.
But it always comes back. Behind every thought, every sound, everything I see or touch. My every waking moment is stacked like I'm living a double life. One side of me is walking down the street while the other side of me is trapped in the memory of the abuse I experienced. I've never left that place or that day. It's been about 3 and a half years now.
It's my birthday and I'm alone. I've been up since 4:30am, saying goodbye to the age I so looked forward to before the darkness. I don't know how I manage to breath despite the waves of pain and terror suffocating me every moment of every day. It's my birthday, and I truly can not imagine myself living past 2-3 more years, not at this rate. It's my birthday and I wish I could turn back time and change the one innocent decision that led to my world being turned upside down. Oh how stupid I feel.
