hoppybunny
Fearer of the Future
- Jun 26, 2024
- 269
I doubt anyone remembers me but I failed to CBT december 18th after getting paid. I couldn't bring myself to buy a gun cause i was worried it would affect my family's citizenship and i didn't wanna ruin someone's day by killing myself in a hotel plus in general finding anchorpoints indoors is a nightmare.
But that's besides the point. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself anyway cause I'm scared of hell and a part of me has hope that maybe I'll be able to move away from my parents and become mentally healthy.
I've been trying to find a job but unfortunately I'm a comp sci major and I'm not a super passionate person so i have very mediocre projects that i just barely threw together but even i know they're shit.
I was focusing on school cause my parents were adamant i graduate in 4 years so i didnt get any internships cause I was taking class every single summer but I'm sure even if inwas dead set on getting an internship I wouldn't have gotten one anyway cause all the ones I applied to, i was rejected.
So I'm just in general a weak candidate in this current economy where devs are getting laid off daily and entry level devs are competing with seniors for the same position.
And now as a comp sci grad, you need to have at least 2 internships and like 7 projects that are almost a complete product or 1 very advanced project all of which i don't have so I've not been able to get a job since graduation.
It has been a very damning and demoralizing experience these past few months and i feel like I'm being mocked because nothing has worked so far and now my mother is offering to help me get a job at her company.
Now to normal people this is a great thing and most normal parents help their kids get a job, in my situation this is a terrible thing.
My sadness and despair come from a lack of independence and being treated as property by my parents. They do not respect or even acknowledge my autonomy and have constantly made me miserable since as far as i can remember.
If I'm unable to get a job on my own and only get one through my mother, she will use this against me as leverage to be more controlling. I already have no life because of them, the only thing i have is my own body and they've forced me to dress how they want, act how they want for my entire life. I've only recently started to try not listening to them and each time my mum will go into my room when I'm not there go through my things and take away any clothes i particularly cherish and leave me with things she knows i hate.
I'm 22 fucking years old i should not be in a situation where my parents can force me to go and change because they don't like my outfit for an even i am also being forced to go to.
I can't keep living like this. I really hate living with my parents but I've lost all my drive and passion. I can't even remember what it feels like to want something enough to work hard for it anymore.
Now all i do in my useless part time job is pray for a car to hit me. I go to bed dreaming that i don't wake up.
It's just terrible i really do not want my mum's help to get a job but i also don't want to miss out on having a better job that can lead me to independence because of my pettiness and hatred.
It sucks because my life in general is not that bad but my parents are so controlling that everything just feels so suffocating. I wake up everyday feelinf like puking and for what?!?! Because my mother must live my life as well as hers?! And the worst part is that my dad thinks they are both doing this for my own good. (I'm sure my mum knows i fucking hate being around them and spend every second waiting for the day God finally cares enough about me to help me leave them) but mh dad just makes me so angry. They yell at me lioe today then wonder why I'm sad every fucking day. He literally asked me today if i need a therapist and if im ok like he didn't yell at me less than an hour earlier. And he told me i can talk to him but every time I've tried to tell them that their behavior is the cause of my sadness he has made it clear that it is my own fault that them yekling at me, calling me names, hitting me and controlling me, makes me upset.
He believes that i shoukd just see it as their way kf correcting me and i should ignore when they go "overboard" and collect the real message, which is that they care about me.
My life is basically this quote: Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to Heaven yet at the same time likelier to make a Hell of earth. This very kindness stings with intolerable insult. To be "cured" against one's will and cured of states which we may not regard as disease is to be put on a level of those who have not yet reached the age of reason or those who never will; to be classed with infants, imbeciles, and domestic animals.
C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock: Essays on Theology (Making of Modern Theology)
They drive me crazy and if life can not let me do something like get a job without them it might as well be mocking me and. telling me i will never be free from them.
I just wanted to add that the way i dress or act is not even abnormal. I'm simply someone who enjoys dressing modestly so i always wear baggy clothes that go down to my wrists and ankles. And i do not like to wear jewelry or makeup because they are a hastle.
I have no interest in feminine things but that is apparently an issue for my parents to the point of beating and insulting me daily.
I'm not a girl and have never felt like one but I'm not against wearing feminine clothes if i like them, but the kind of feminine clothes I like are also a problem for my parents because my mother assumes the only way women should dress is like her. Because she is a self important narcissist. She believes she is the pinnacle of feminity and that i am supposed to dress and act exactly the way she wants because that is how women should behave according to her.
I'm not out to my parents obviously so as far as they're concerned I'm just a tomboy (even though I hate that phrase) but they still accuse me of being trans(that's not a bad thing just a wierd accusation cause makeup and wigs and jewelry are not required to be a woman) and they harass me because of it and call me abnormal and mentally ill.
But that's besides the point. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself anyway cause I'm scared of hell and a part of me has hope that maybe I'll be able to move away from my parents and become mentally healthy.
I've been trying to find a job but unfortunately I'm a comp sci major and I'm not a super passionate person so i have very mediocre projects that i just barely threw together but even i know they're shit.
I was focusing on school cause my parents were adamant i graduate in 4 years so i didnt get any internships cause I was taking class every single summer but I'm sure even if inwas dead set on getting an internship I wouldn't have gotten one anyway cause all the ones I applied to, i was rejected.
So I'm just in general a weak candidate in this current economy where devs are getting laid off daily and entry level devs are competing with seniors for the same position.
And now as a comp sci grad, you need to have at least 2 internships and like 7 projects that are almost a complete product or 1 very advanced project all of which i don't have so I've not been able to get a job since graduation.
It has been a very damning and demoralizing experience these past few months and i feel like I'm being mocked because nothing has worked so far and now my mother is offering to help me get a job at her company.
Now to normal people this is a great thing and most normal parents help their kids get a job, in my situation this is a terrible thing.
My sadness and despair come from a lack of independence and being treated as property by my parents. They do not respect or even acknowledge my autonomy and have constantly made me miserable since as far as i can remember.
If I'm unable to get a job on my own and only get one through my mother, she will use this against me as leverage to be more controlling. I already have no life because of them, the only thing i have is my own body and they've forced me to dress how they want, act how they want for my entire life. I've only recently started to try not listening to them and each time my mum will go into my room when I'm not there go through my things and take away any clothes i particularly cherish and leave me with things she knows i hate.
I'm 22 fucking years old i should not be in a situation where my parents can force me to go and change because they don't like my outfit for an even i am also being forced to go to.
I can't keep living like this. I really hate living with my parents but I've lost all my drive and passion. I can't even remember what it feels like to want something enough to work hard for it anymore.
Now all i do in my useless part time job is pray for a car to hit me. I go to bed dreaming that i don't wake up.
It's just terrible i really do not want my mum's help to get a job but i also don't want to miss out on having a better job that can lead me to independence because of my pettiness and hatred.
It sucks because my life in general is not that bad but my parents are so controlling that everything just feels so suffocating. I wake up everyday feelinf like puking and for what?!?! Because my mother must live my life as well as hers?! And the worst part is that my dad thinks they are both doing this for my own good. (I'm sure my mum knows i fucking hate being around them and spend every second waiting for the day God finally cares enough about me to help me leave them) but mh dad just makes me so angry. They yell at me lioe today then wonder why I'm sad every fucking day. He literally asked me today if i need a therapist and if im ok like he didn't yell at me less than an hour earlier. And he told me i can talk to him but every time I've tried to tell them that their behavior is the cause of my sadness he has made it clear that it is my own fault that them yekling at me, calling me names, hitting me and controlling me, makes me upset.
He believes that i shoukd just see it as their way kf correcting me and i should ignore when they go "overboard" and collect the real message, which is that they care about me.
My life is basically this quote: Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to Heaven yet at the same time likelier to make a Hell of earth. This very kindness stings with intolerable insult. To be "cured" against one's will and cured of states which we may not regard as disease is to be put on a level of those who have not yet reached the age of reason or those who never will; to be classed with infants, imbeciles, and domestic animals.
C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock: Essays on Theology (Making of Modern Theology)
They drive me crazy and if life can not let me do something like get a job without them it might as well be mocking me and. telling me i will never be free from them.
I just wanted to add that the way i dress or act is not even abnormal. I'm simply someone who enjoys dressing modestly so i always wear baggy clothes that go down to my wrists and ankles. And i do not like to wear jewelry or makeup because they are a hastle.
I have no interest in feminine things but that is apparently an issue for my parents to the point of beating and insulting me daily.
I'm not a girl and have never felt like one but I'm not against wearing feminine clothes if i like them, but the kind of feminine clothes I like are also a problem for my parents because my mother assumes the only way women should dress is like her. Because she is a self important narcissist. She believes she is the pinnacle of feminity and that i am supposed to dress and act exactly the way she wants because that is how women should behave according to her.
I'm not out to my parents obviously so as far as they're concerned I'm just a tomboy (even though I hate that phrase) but they still accuse me of being trans(that's not a bad thing just a wierd accusation cause makeup and wigs and jewelry are not required to be a woman) and they harass me because of it and call me abnormal and mentally ill.
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