I never know how to say it since it never feels quite right, but I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm sorry for your suffering. No one's pain is the same, but I think most of us here can at least partially understand and be sympathetic.
In terms of the main point of your thread, I hope you're able to either find a place where it does feel worth it to post, or you're able to regain that feeling here. I kinda get it though. For me, I never posted or talked about my problems except to my doctors. It didn't feel worth it and like I would just be a burden or off putting to others. Even after finding this place, I struggled with feeling like I could post for awhile.
I just think it's important to get the thoughts out in some way. Like, it can help you come to a decision, give you some relief, make you feel not alone, etc. So, I guess I'm glad you made this post despite not feeling like you had the energy to. I hope getting some of it out helps in some small way, or that someone's response is able to resonate with you and offer relief.
Moving on to a few things you said in your post… I can relate to some of your feelings. I also spend most of my time thinking about, visualizing, dreaming, etc of ctb. It's exhausting. And I also feel stuck, like it'll never end. I dunno if it's the same for you or not, but I just feel like I'm in limbo. Wanting to ctb, but unable to overcome SI / consequences of a failed attempt, so realistically I wind up committing to living… without any motivation or desire to do so. I have no idea what to do with the day. I have no energy to do anything but sit on the couch / bed and be on my phone or tv. All I can offer in terms of advice is to distract yourself as best as you can. I don't know the solution, assuming you've likely already tried the traditional methods of medication, therapy, etc.
