It's corny...but the answer really is love

[JoeFailure]

I understand that can't fix mental and physical health problems, I don't mean it that way.

But just about life. If I had really understood that when I was young, I could've lived a really happy life where I had been motivated by career stuff and to be a contributor to a marriage and kids. I let something that happened to me as a kid derail my whole life financially and is the reason I'm likely going to have to ctb.

If you live your life with love, those other things like financials can fall into place for you, because you're doing it for someone else. That's where it went all wrong for me. I thought I'd be alone, so I just lived for myself.

I'm not bitter about what happened in this life to me, just sad. Sad because I know now what kind of differences I could have and could going forward in how I could help people. But it all came to me too late. I know that forum is there about God's forgiveness for suicide. I hope remorse and love and peace means something if I do this. I really don't want to, but financially this is just insurmountable.

I think about people who are worse off than me a lot. People with physical illness and ailments, worse things going on mentally, the couple of people here with major tinnutis, the suffering on the other side of the world. I really, really try to give myself that perspective and to just count my blessings and live. But the shame of the advantages I did have in the US that I completely squandered is so overwhelming. I saw one of my neighbor's baby girl yesterday and met her, cutest little girl. It took everything I had not to just cry right there and then. I wish I had understood it. I won't ever get to have that. I would live with it if I could, I just don't know how. Lot of guilt for likely having to CTB when I'm sure unhealthy and homeless people would happily take my position in life, even though it's not good by any means.

Anyway, I love everyone here and wish things could have been different for all of us. I get some here don't want an afterlife...I hope there is if it's happy. Maybe there'll be some kind of picnic on a sunny day where we all meet each other and chow down and have a good laugh about all of this. And money won't be a thing.

 

[Roger]

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

[JoeFailure]

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Awesome. The part that hurts is the bolded for me. I really never grew up until it was too late. I'm 35 now when I finally realized what it is to be an adult.

 

[Roger]

For those who do not recognise this passage, it is from the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. As a piece of poetry I prefer the 17th century translation which gives the word "charity" instead of "love", but for the sake of modern understanding I have posted a later translation. I chose this reading for my dear wife's funeral.

 

[whyidon'tknow]

I can relate to having letting issues im childhood effect you now. Don't think I ever dealt with my issues and now they haunt me. The skeletons in my closet number too many

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I understand that can't fix mental and physical health problems, I don't mean it that way.

But just about life. If I had really understood that when I was young, I could've lived a really happy life where I had been motivated by career stuff and to be a contributor to a marriage and kids. I let something that happened to me as a kid derail my whole life financially and is the reason I'm likely going to have to ctb.

If you live your life with love, those other things like financials can fall into place for you, because you're doing it for someone else. That's where it went all wrong for me. I thought I'd be alone, so I just lived for myself.

I'm not bitter about what happened in this life to me, just sad. Sad because I know now what kind of differences I could have and could going forward in how I could help people. But it all came to me too late. I know that forum is there about God's forgiveness for suicide. I hope remorse and love and peace means something if I do this. I really don't want to, but financially this is just insurmountable.

I think about people who are worse off than me a lot. People with physical illness and ailments, worse things going on mentally, the couple of people here with major tinnutis, the suffering on the other side of the world. I really, really try to give myself that perspective and to just count my blessings and live. But the shame of the advantages I did have in the US that I completely squandered is so overwhelming. I saw one of my neighbor's baby girl yesterday and met her, cutest little girl. It took everything I had not to just cry right there and then. I wish I had understood it. I won't ever get to have that. I would live with it if I could, I just don't know how. Lot of guilt for likely having to CTB when I'm sure unhealthy and homeless people would happily take my position in life, even though it's not good by any means.

Anyway, I love everyone here and wish things could have been different for all of us. I get some here don't want an afterlife...I hope there is if it's happy. Maybe there'll be some kind of picnic on a sunny day where we all meet each other and chow down and have a good laugh about all of this. And money won't be a thing.

All the feels... yes. Agree with what you said. As corny as it sounds, knowing someone has your back like you do theirs makes life more bearable during those tough times.

 

[JoeFailure]

Yeah. And now everything hurts. Anything I watch or read, successful people who did awesome things with their lives. Have families.

Mine will look like a disaster. I know I could change the 2nd half but my 1st half left me in way too big a hole. My life now is a constant rumination of wondering why I was the way I was and didn't get it.

 

[not_a_robot]

Everybody thinks the grass is greener on their neighbor's side of the fence. Everybody wants what they can't have.
Everybody thinks life would be perfect if they could just get that one elusive thing that they lack; until they get that thing. Then it's never what they thought it would be

 

[JoeFailure]

Everybody thinks the grass is greener on their neighbor's side of the fence. Everybody wants what they can't have.
Everybody thinks life would be perfect if they could just get that one elusive thing that they lack; until they get that thing. Then it's never what they thought it would be

I think that's true only up to a point. I would be so incredibly grateful if a financial miracle came my way. I'm not even talking lottery, just something like 30K. It would allow me to do some things that could really help people and possibly get the kind of job I really want and at least be in some kind of position where a great girl might want to take a chance on me.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I understand that can't fix mental and physical health problems, I don't mean it that way.

But just about life. If I had really understood that when I was young, I could've lived a really happy life where I had been motivated by career stuff and to be a contributor to a marriage and kids. I let something that happened to me as a kid derail my whole life financially and is the reason I'm likely going to have to ctb.

If you live your life with love, those other things like financials can fall into place for you, because you're doing it for someone else. That's where it went all wrong for me. I thought I'd be alone, so I just lived for myself.

I'm not bitter about what happened in this life to me, just sad. Sad because I know now what kind of differences I could have and could going forward in how I could help people. But it all came to me too late. I know that forum is there about God's forgiveness for suicide. I hope remorse and love and peace means something if I do this. I really don't want to, but financially this is just insurmountable.

I think about people who are worse off than me a lot. People with physical illness and ailments, worse things going on mentally, the couple of people here with major tinnutis, the suffering on the other side of the world. I really, really try to give myself that perspective and to just count my blessings and live. But the shame of the advantages I did have in the US that I completely squandered is so overwhelming. I saw one of my neighbor's baby girl yesterday and met her, cutest little girl. It took everything I had not to just cry right there and then. I wish I had understood it. I won't ever get to have that. I would live with it if I could, I just don't know how. Lot of guilt for likely having to CTB when I'm sure unhealthy and homeless people would happily take my position in life, even though it's not good by any means.

Anyway, I love everyone here and wish things could have been different for all of us. I get some here don't want an afterlife...I hope there is if it's happy. Maybe there'll be some kind of picnic on a sunny day where we all meet each other and chow down and have a good laugh about all of this. And money won't be a thing.

Oh boy about the kid thing. Totally relateable. I look at them, so innocent in the world, they (hopefully) no nothing of it. I always think to myself when I see one happy and playing that I wish that was me. I wish to be that carefree about everything. When I'm having a particularly bad day, I have to force my tears back

 

[magick'sgone]

To those who think having children would complete them- look around you. There are plenty of people who thought that, and are miserable as fuck. Often their kids grow to also be miserable as fuck, too. Also, kids grow up, and there's only so much you can do to direct their outcome.

To those who think having a partner would complete them- look around you. There are plenty of people who thought that, and are miserable as fuck. Plus, consider all of the extra worry that comes with a relationship. You need to keep them interested in you, you need to keep yourself interested in them, are they cheating? Can you resist the urge to cheat on them? Might they leave you for someone else? Can you handle it if they get sick and need constant care?

To those who think having wealth would make them complete- look around you. There are plenty of wealthy people who are miserable as fuck. Some of the happiest folk i have met, have been poorest.

I don't know the path to happiness. Maybe it's different for everyone. Maybe it's accepting that happiness is something that fluctuates, and sometimes disappears completely. It's probably something to do with building yourself into a person who can cope with whatever comes your way, or doesn't come your way. I'm pretty sure it's not the aquisition of one particular thing. That's what makes life so difficult and confusing, but on the flip side, potentially exciting and beautiful.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

If you live your life with love, those other things like financials can fall into place for you, because you're doing it for someone else. That's where it went all wrong for me. I thought I'd be alone, so I just lived for myself.

Yeah I agree. Never managed to find love either, though.

To those who think having children would complete them- look around you. There are plenty of people who thought that, and are miserable as fuck. Often their kids grow to also be miserable as fuck, too. Also, kids grow up, and there's only so much you can do to direct their outcome.

Sure, they exist. And I see plenty of happy examples too. Just wait how much fun it's going to be to grow old, watching all your friends die one by one. And having no descendants who might make all your sacrifices worthwhile. (But then this is Sanctioned Suicide, so you're probably not planning to wait that long either.)

 

[pane]

I know I could change the 2nd half but my 1st half left me in way too big a hole. My life now is a constant rumination of wondering why I was the way I was and didn't get it.

This is me exactly. It's excruciating to live like this.