Hi i'm a 21 men, it started when I was 10.
I was heavily bullied in primary school, then again for the next couple of years.
At the same time, my father was violent, physically and mentally, and so was my sister.
That period basically broke me. I tried to ctb once at that age, and also SH started. I was just a kid and I was already at rock bottom.
Then, at 13, I moved away from home with my mother.
It was the first time in my life I was away from my father and sister, and honestly, it saved me.
I expected school to be the same fucking hell… but it wasn't. I actually started getting better.
It was hard, but I was healing, slowly. Then my sister joined us for 6 months and…
let's say it brought more trauma, right when I was trying to rebuild myself.
After that she left, things were "normal", but I partied every weekend, drank way too much, smoked weed sometimes, tried random stuff just to stop feeling anything.
I wasn't doing great inside, even if from the outside I looked "fine".
At 15, I moved again. Two weeks of school… then four months of lockdown and 2 months of vacation.
Weirdly, those six months were the best of my life.
No school, no social pressure, just me, sleeping and playing games. I felt safe for once.
I think that was the first time I ever truly rested mentally.
In my senior year, I crashed again for about six months. Not as bad as before don't really know if it was a depression, but still bad enough to SH again.
Games and computers pulled me out of it.
Then at 18, I started higher education in a school I chose myself.
New city, new people, new life. And I loved it. To the point where I literally forgot to live.
In January of my first year, I suddenly became unable to work or leave my bed for a month. Then things normalized a bit.
Then my internship started and I had another emotional crash, like an existential crisis. That lasted 1–2 months.
Then things improved again.
Second year went okay. Ups and downs, but manageable.
Then third year happened.
And everything collapsed.
I fell into a massive depression, started SH again a lot, and came dangerously close to ctb. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of seeing my psychiatrist and finally trying meds for the first time. That's when antidepressants and anxiolytics entered my life. Third year was hell.
My second internship went well thanks to meds. I actually felt fine — like everything was behind me.
Then I moved to the US for a study exchange.
For the first two weeks everything felt amazing.
Then classes started.
The big final project started too.
And everything came crashing back.
Not necessarily stronger than last year… but more confusing, messier, harder to hide.
I began having suicidal thoughts nearly every day. Sometimes vague, sometimes very concrete. SH urges came back too, sometimes weak, sometimes overwhelming. I've been dissociating, zoning out, feeling like I'm not in my body. Other days, everything is too intense at once.
On top of that, I developed a deep sense of guilt about everything:
– guilt for feeling bad "for no reason"
– guilt for being a weight in my project group
– guilt for not being able to work
– guilt for asking for help
– guilt for existing, honestly
And that guilt makes everything worse. I feel useless, empty, overwhelmed, stuck.
Like no matter how hard I try, I can't get my life to move forward.
The meds help, but it's unstable.
Some days are great.
Some days feel like my brain is trying to kill me.
I get panic attacks, breathing freezes, weird physical sensations, derealization, near-fainting episodes, horrible nights even with sleeping pills.
Recently, it's been like living on a rollercoaster:
one day I wake up fine, motivated, almost happy;
the next I wake up wanting to disappear, exhausted, completely numb.
Sometimes I go from "I'm okay" to "I want to kill myself" in 5 minutes.
I try to avoid the worst with safer coping methods, and it sometimes works — but it's new and I don't know if it will keep working.
I keep wondering if the real trigger, both last year and now, isn't simply that everything from before finally caught up to me.
That all the trauma I pushed away as a kid is resurfacing now.
That the meds helped enough to stabilize me for a while, but couldn't keep holding back 10+ years of shit.
And now that I'm far from home, far from everything familiar, it's all falling apart again.
I don't know.
I just feel tired.
I'm trying my best, but it's exhausting to fight your own brain every day.
Thanks for reading if you did.
Sometimes it helps to know we're not fighting this shit alone.
If you wanna share your thoughts or relate, feel free to drop a comment.
I was heavily bullied in primary school, then again for the next couple of years.
At the same time, my father was violent, physically and mentally, and so was my sister.
That period basically broke me. I tried to ctb once at that age, and also SH started. I was just a kid and I was already at rock bottom.
Then, at 13, I moved away from home with my mother.
It was the first time in my life I was away from my father and sister, and honestly, it saved me.
I expected school to be the same fucking hell… but it wasn't. I actually started getting better.
It was hard, but I was healing, slowly. Then my sister joined us for 6 months and…
let's say it brought more trauma, right when I was trying to rebuild myself.
After that she left, things were "normal", but I partied every weekend, drank way too much, smoked weed sometimes, tried random stuff just to stop feeling anything.
I wasn't doing great inside, even if from the outside I looked "fine".
At 15, I moved again. Two weeks of school… then four months of lockdown and 2 months of vacation.
Weirdly, those six months were the best of my life.
No school, no social pressure, just me, sleeping and playing games. I felt safe for once.
I think that was the first time I ever truly rested mentally.
In my senior year, I crashed again for about six months. Not as bad as before don't really know if it was a depression, but still bad enough to SH again.
Games and computers pulled me out of it.
Then at 18, I started higher education in a school I chose myself.
New city, new people, new life. And I loved it. To the point where I literally forgot to live.
In January of my first year, I suddenly became unable to work or leave my bed for a month. Then things normalized a bit.
Then my internship started and I had another emotional crash, like an existential crisis. That lasted 1–2 months.
Then things improved again.
Second year went okay. Ups and downs, but manageable.
Then third year happened.
And everything collapsed.
I fell into a massive depression, started SH again a lot, and came dangerously close to ctb. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of seeing my psychiatrist and finally trying meds for the first time. That's when antidepressants and anxiolytics entered my life. Third year was hell.
My second internship went well thanks to meds. I actually felt fine — like everything was behind me.
Then I moved to the US for a study exchange.
For the first two weeks everything felt amazing.
Then classes started.
The big final project started too.
And everything came crashing back.
Not necessarily stronger than last year… but more confusing, messier, harder to hide.
I began having suicidal thoughts nearly every day. Sometimes vague, sometimes very concrete. SH urges came back too, sometimes weak, sometimes overwhelming. I've been dissociating, zoning out, feeling like I'm not in my body. Other days, everything is too intense at once.
On top of that, I developed a deep sense of guilt about everything:
– guilt for feeling bad "for no reason"
– guilt for being a weight in my project group
– guilt for not being able to work
– guilt for asking for help
– guilt for existing, honestly
And that guilt makes everything worse. I feel useless, empty, overwhelmed, stuck.
Like no matter how hard I try, I can't get my life to move forward.
The meds help, but it's unstable.
Some days are great.
Some days feel like my brain is trying to kill me.
I get panic attacks, breathing freezes, weird physical sensations, derealization, near-fainting episodes, horrible nights even with sleeping pills.
Recently, it's been like living on a rollercoaster:
one day I wake up fine, motivated, almost happy;
the next I wake up wanting to disappear, exhausted, completely numb.
Sometimes I go from "I'm okay" to "I want to kill myself" in 5 minutes.
I try to avoid the worst with safer coping methods, and it sometimes works — but it's new and I don't know if it will keep working.
I keep wondering if the real trigger, both last year and now, isn't simply that everything from before finally caught up to me.
That all the trauma I pushed away as a kid is resurfacing now.
That the meds helped enough to stabilize me for a while, but couldn't keep holding back 10+ years of shit.
And now that I'm far from home, far from everything familiar, it's all falling apart again.
I don't know.
I just feel tired.
I'm trying my best, but it's exhausting to fight your own brain every day.
Thanks for reading if you did.
Sometimes it helps to know we're not fighting this shit alone.
If you wanna share your thoughts or relate, feel free to drop a comment.
