Nanako
Experienced
- Dec 24, 2018
- 287
This happens to me whenever I'm hit with the realization that I can't escape the horrible situation I find myself in: I start to feel like I'm on the verge of having a panic attack. The panic attacks never actually come though, but I do experience the "intial stage" of it, then it slowly begins to subside. It frightens the fuck out of me.
I used to have panic attacks semi-regularly a couple of years ago - when I first started having suicidal thoughts-, and haven't really had any since then, but now it feels like they're slowly coming back; they're just not as effective (for now, I guess). It makes sense given that I'm starting to have those strong suicidal thoughts again.
The worst part about this is that I just can't fucking accept that this is how it has to be for me. My condition is incurable, it impairs my ability to do what I love and there's no way to work around it. Deep down I know this, but I continue to lie to myself by trying to ignore these shortcomings and by distracting myself with trivial garbage, and by doing so I'm able to put myself in an ok state of mind, for a while at least, until I'm inevitably hit by a dose of reality again and forced to face this nightmare. I know for a fact that after I post this and an hour or so has passed, I'll just repeat this cycle again. It's hellish.
I used to have panic attacks semi-regularly a couple of years ago - when I first started having suicidal thoughts-, and haven't really had any since then, but now it feels like they're slowly coming back; they're just not as effective (for now, I guess). It makes sense given that I'm starting to have those strong suicidal thoughts again.
The worst part about this is that I just can't fucking accept that this is how it has to be for me. My condition is incurable, it impairs my ability to do what I love and there's no way to work around it. Deep down I know this, but I continue to lie to myself by trying to ignore these shortcomings and by distracting myself with trivial garbage, and by doing so I'm able to put myself in an ok state of mind, for a while at least, until I'm inevitably hit by a dose of reality again and forced to face this nightmare. I know for a fact that after I post this and an hour or so has passed, I'll just repeat this cycle again. It's hellish.
Last edited: