GreenGlassDoor
life is but a dream
- Oct 25, 2023
- 79
All of my "trauma" and reasons for wanting to ctb are my own fault. My looks are a result of my own choices, lack of motivation to eat healthy or workout, as well as my very present eating disorder. My 'trauma' is a result of my own naïveté and even past that point I have known my actions would cause myself harm and I did them anyways. And now here I am, a suicidal loser who should probably just up and die since im my own worst influence anyways.
I always feel extremely guilty when I hear stories from my friends about their abuse or their struggles in life. They have gone through so much -have had a much harder life than I did- and they came out the other side forward-thinking, caring, sweet people. And here I am, the person who has it all. I have a loving family, steady income, wide circle of friends who cherish our friendship, good grades and a decent life lined up for me as long as i play my cards right. And yet here I am with all that ive been so lucky to have placed in my lap still wanting to throw it all away.
I feel as though there are two ways I can take this knowledge: I can realize that no matter how good I have it I am an weak ungrateful brat who will throw it all away because im feeling sad; or that life is cruel and my suffuring isn't defined or determined by the circumstances of my birth.
Either way I know that it would be selfish to throw away all the money, time, and effort both my parents and I have sunk into my life for it to be in vain. Especially when there are hundreds if not thousands of people who would kill to be living my life right now. Is it all my fault? Am I really just a thin-skinned weak asshole who cant deal with the reality that life sucks and even the rich and powerful cant fully enjoy it. This moral dilemma is the main thing holding me back from ctb.
I always feel extremely guilty when I hear stories from my friends about their abuse or their struggles in life. They have gone through so much -have had a much harder life than I did- and they came out the other side forward-thinking, caring, sweet people. And here I am, the person who has it all. I have a loving family, steady income, wide circle of friends who cherish our friendship, good grades and a decent life lined up for me as long as i play my cards right. And yet here I am with all that ive been so lucky to have placed in my lap still wanting to throw it all away.
I feel as though there are two ways I can take this knowledge: I can realize that no matter how good I have it I am an weak ungrateful brat who will throw it all away because im feeling sad; or that life is cruel and my suffuring isn't defined or determined by the circumstances of my birth.
Either way I know that it would be selfish to throw away all the money, time, and effort both my parents and I have sunk into my life for it to be in vain. Especially when there are hundreds if not thousands of people who would kill to be living my life right now. Is it all my fault? Am I really just a thin-skinned weak asshole who cant deal with the reality that life sucks and even the rich and powerful cant fully enjoy it. This moral dilemma is the main thing holding me back from ctb.
