Venting It Only Gets Worse

[imdoneandidontcare]

I had posted elsewhere explaining my depression but left out my ctb thoughts. This one guy said to me "if you're already feeling hopeless, waiting to see what the next day brings won't hurt".

Really? It won't hurt. Because every single day seems pretty miserable to me. And my family is starting to get burned out with me so not only do I have no much crap going on, I have no one to talk to or even just give me a hug.

I'm sitting here in the hospital with my dad and actively trying to talk myself out of not going home and putting my head through my hanging setup I have left up. Like… why not? Every day is worse than the day before. Every day people get more tired of me. Every day I have less grip on my emotions. So… why not? Every day is getting worse, how much more worse does it need to get until I can just say "I give up!"

Today is worse than yesterday. Yesterday was worse than the day before. In the past 38 days since my life went to absolute shit, every day is worse.

So… my excuses if staying alive are slowly running out. And my fear of the unknown of death is starting to fade… so, why not.

 

[ClownMe]

I can relate, each day is more painful than the last, im pretty much just still going for my dog.

 

[Leiden]

I do know how you feel and it truly does get worse everyday. Nothing ever gets better, just worse and worse and worse for me. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope it can get better for you somehow.

 

[Lost Magic]

I don't know if your dad is in hospital or not (a little vague there) but I do know those long painful days. My mother was in and out of hospital for years. Most days I would be in there from 7 in the morning till nearly midnight for weeks on end. Many time I was too exhausted to go home and cook food so I would grab a chicken bucket from the late night KFC while walking back home from the hospital. The only rest bite I got was sitting on a tall grassy hill behind the hospital. I would sit there eating sandwiches and drinking doctor pepper while pensively gazing over at the railway tracks. When she was dying I was full of valium and numb as fuck. I did collapse at the back of a wall and breakdown before I watched her writhing in pain from the cancer. I felt powerless and I just wanted to die with her, so that the future pain (that I am dealing with now) would not linger. I wish I could tell you things get better, but I don't know if they will or not. I hope they do. Nobody should have to live like this. I'll just be glad that this will all be coming to an end soon, so that I can reunite with my best friend, mother, rock and everything.

 

[LivingHellonearth]

I feel the same way, why keep going if everyday is literally living hell. There is no point on keep suffering if I can end it now I would. But I need time to plan my CTB no mistakes.

 

[FuneralCry]

My life is also very miserable. In my case the suffering will only end when I die. I'm sorry that things are so hopeless. I know it can be very dreadful when things just get worse. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

I had posted elsewhere explaining my depression but left out my ctb thoughts. This one guy said to me "if you're already feeling hopeless, waiting to see what the next day brings won't hurt".

Really? It won't hurt. Because every single day seems pretty miserable to me. And my family is starting to get burned out with me so not only do I have no much crap going on, I have no one to talk to or even just give me a hug.

I'm sitting here in the hospital with my dad and actively trying to talk myself out of not going home and putting my head through my hanging setup I have left up. Like… why not? Every day is worse than the day before. Every day people get more tired of me. Every day I have less grip on my emotions. So… why not? Every day is getting worse, how much more worse does it need to get until I can just say "I give up!"

Today is worse than yesterday. Yesterday was worse than the day before. In the past 38 days since my life went to absolute shit, every day is worse.

So… my excuses if staying alive are slowly running out. And my fear of the unknown of death is starting to fade… so, why not.

I SOOO relate to this. Everyone wants me alive but nobody is able to provide the support I need (which is admittedly a LOT). I wish my loved ones could understand this won't ever change, and me staying here to suffer is not the answer. I think maybe they convince themselves I'm suffering less in the times they're not talking to me or something. But I am, and like you said, it's worse every day.

Im sending you so much love and solidarity, it's an ugly lonely feeling for certain.

 

[myopybyproxy]

In the past 38 days since my life went to absolute shit, every day is worse.

what happened in the last 38 days?