It is so difficult to ctb ….

[Terrible_Life]

Why is it so difficult to ctb…….
I suffer so much every day and I have no hope. Today I woke up and I was so suicidal , I told myself why should I even wake up and start the day ? For what exactly? All that is waiting for me is a horrible mental pain and a terrible family that triggers me and makes me feel much worse , in fact they make me even more suicidal.
I want to ctb by hanging but I can't explain it to myself how all those people who hanged themself successfully how they were able to kick their chair/ladder away. How could they stop being afraid and just do it? I tried it with alcohol and it didn't help and I don't have any pills or other things to sedate myself.
I can only explain it this way that these people got completely emotionally numb, their pain reached a point where it "killed them" from inside and then at that point it was possible for them to ctb.
I must say to commit suicide is a very difficult thing even if you prepared everything perfectly accurate and you know nobody will interrupt you etc it is still very difficult.

I should go for a long walk in the snow and think carefully about everything… I really don't know what else I could do.

 

[kufajoy]

Si sure is a bitch. Right ?
Last time I took Midazolam so I can overcome my SI. But instead it made me calm and went to sleep

 

[Terrible_Life]

Si sure is a bitch. Right ?
Last time I took Midazolam so I can overcome my SI. But instead it made me calm and went to sleep

yes si is horrible because I really made my decision I absolutely hate it here on earth I struggle through the day then the next day starts and it's the same horrible pain again.
I also absolutely hate the fact that I can't just wake up and tell myself it is time and just do it because I don't live alone. Sometimes after I woke up I thought I should just do it then because then I am the most suicidal , so I thought maybe I should just take my rope and go to the woods and die at 3 or 4am

 

[kufajoy]

yes si is horrible because I really made my decision I absolutely hate it here on earth I struggle through the day then the next day starts and it's the same horrible pain again.
I also absolutely hate the fact that I can't just wake up and tell myself it is time and just do it because I don't live alone. Sometimes after I woke up I thought I should just do it then because then I am the most suicidal , so I thought maybe I should just take my rope and go to the woods and die at 3 or 4am

Time will come again. Si is still fighting with suicidal thoughts. One of them will soon win. Just hopping one of them win faster. Staying in the middle is so painful;)

 

[Terrible_Life]

Time will come again. Si is still fighting with suicidal thoughts. One of them will soon win. Just hopping one of them win faster. Staying in the middle is so painful;)

yes exactly staying in the middle is horrible I feel trapped I feel blockaded from doing anything and that is stupidity because I am kinda in a hurry now so going into action should happen asap actually ……
Can anyone give me an advice how to overcome si?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand, I always find it so torturous to be trapped in this dreadful, cruel existence of unnecessary suffering and I always suffer so much from how I cannot just painlessly cease
existing so finally I can be at peace from this existence that just causes all this suffering, the fact that the option of painless, guaranteed death is denied is such terrible extreme cruelty to me, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[ifihadnever]

I am feeling the same. My stool for FSH has arrived this morning but isnt high enough so ill have to order another.. ..

But I have a much bigger problme.....the fear of standing on it and kicking it away. In theory, its a few uncomfortable seconds of my life....but in reality it feels so damn difficult. It's so utterly frustrating. I dont even like the feeling of the rope tight around my neck but keep telling myself in comparison to what I live through and what to come its just such a short amount of time. I dont know why I have so much fear, im not worried about death. I guess its because ive unfortunately turned into such a anxious person, I barely go out and when I do my body and brain is in constant survival mode trying to keep me alive....its going to be hard to turn off that constant survival mode when faced with death.

I hear your frustration

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

@ifihadnever I'm also trying to work myself up to FSH. When you start reading about hanging you think it's just a little squeeze and you black out. But no, it's a big squeeze and it's terrifying. Take the hanging out of it, that's just to tighten the rope. What we're talking about is death by strangulation. Not trying to talk you out of it. Just commiserating. I'm scared too.

 

[Terrible_Life]

@ifihadnever I'm also trying to work myself up to FSH. When you start reading about hanging you think it's just a little squeeze and you black out. But no, it's a big squeeze and it's terrifying. Take the hanging out of it, that's just to tighten the rope. What we're talking about is death by strangulation. Not trying to talk you out of it. Just commiserating. I'm scared too.

Isn't it irrational what we're doing here I mean we have so much pain, we suffer so much yet 15 seconds extreme pain on our neck is stopping us from ending this omnipresent suffering we endure every day….I mean yes absolutely you're right the feeling is horrible I even kinda like "trained" this I wanted to do the strangulation with lots of Body weight on the neck so I get used to it but what should I say….it hurts a lot and one time after my test my neck hurt the whole night

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Isn't it irrational what we're doing here I mean we have so much pain, we suffer so much yet 15 seconds extreme pain on our neck is stopping us from ending this omnipresent suffering we endure every day….I mean yes absolutely you're right the feeling is horrible I even kinda like "trained" this I wanted to do the strangulation with lots of Body weight on the neck so I get used to it but what should I say….it hurts a lot and one time after my test my neck hurt the whole night

Yeah I have a bit of soreness and trouble swallowing from a half assed attempt the other day.

I think if you do it right it's less than 15 seconds "extreme" pain. There are a lot of videos of people out quick. But there's still gonna be an absolutely brutal trauma to the neck.

 

[awfullymorbid]

I very much hear you on this one. Nothing makes me more frustrated than SI, it's always stopping me from reaching the end goal and im afraid it'll keep me here for much longer than id prefer

 

[Terrible_Life]

I very much hear you on this one. Nothing makes me more frustrated than SI, it's always stopping me from reaching the end goal and im afraid it'll keep me here for much longer than id prefer

Yes this is a big problem especially when the suicidal person is at a point where he must leave because otherwise he has no choice but to go to an even worse place like for example there are people on sasu who mention they must ctb soon otherwise they'll soon become homeless etc and then those people get stopped by that damn si and will be forced to become even worse …. In my situation it's a horrible indescribable mental pain and it's a family that makes everything much worse. I have no energy left I hate every day there's nothing positive it's all the time being anxious and getting hurt by this mental pain.
I lost all hopes….if I'd be alone right now I'd try it to ctb

I am feeling the same. My stool for FSH has arrived this morning but isnt high enough so ill have to order another.. ..

But I have a much bigger problme.....the fear of standing on it and kicking it away. In theory, its a few uncomfortable seconds of my life....but in reality it feels so damn difficult. It's so utterly frustrating. I dont even like the feeling of the rope tight around my neck but keep telling myself in comparison to what I live through and what to come its just such a short amount of time. I dont know why I have so much fear, im not worried about death. I guess its because ive unfortunately turned into such a anxious person, I barely go out and when I do my body and brain is in constant survival mode trying to keep me alive....its going to be hard to turn off that constant survival mode when faced with death.

I hear your frustration

I'm so sorry that you also suffered so much and now you are at the same point where I am and you want to end the nightmare.
I also absolutely hate it when the noose is tightened on my neck and when I feel the pain on my neck but yes it's also absolutely true that in the end this life this horrible painful tragic life is much more painful then those damn 15 seconds so I am very angry and sad about it why I don't free myself. I must say about this I was always a person who hesitated and didn't make an important decision and then stood fully behind it this might also be a huge handicap especially since suicide is probably one of the most difficult decisions a human being can make. In the end it is us killing ourself and this is completely against our nature our damn nature wants us to be happy , wants us to be in good company, fulfill a purpose even it'd be us working in a meaningless shit job we'd still stand up at 6 am knowing what we do brings food to the table so we'd feel productive and yes also humans want connection to other humans they want to fall in love etc but now there are people like us who can't be in harmony with our human nature who can't live their life the way they want to because of the pain they have but still the nature makes it difficult for us to end it.
My life is just negative I have nothing why am I still here? …..

 

[awfullymorbid]

Yes this is a big problem especially when the suicidal person is at a point where he must leave because otherwise he has no choice but to go to an even worse place like for example there are people on sasu who mention they must ctb soon otherwise they'll soon become homeless etc and then those people get stopped by that damn si and will be forced to become even worse …. In my situation it's a horrible indescribable mental pain and it's a family that makes everything much worse. I have no energy left I hate every day there's nothing positive it's all the time being anxious and getting hurt by this mental pain.
I lost all hopes….if I'd be alone right now I'd try it to ctb

Oh I 100% hear this. I always mess things up and i'd much rather ctb than be in the situations I put myself in and that others put me in. Everyday is a new mental battle and I feel like it would be so much more peaceful without a conscious, without anything. Hopefully SI leaves us alone one day :P

 

[Terrible_Life]

Oh I 100% hear this. I always mess things up and i'd much rather ctb than be in the situations I put myself in and that others put me in. Everyday is a new mental battle and I feel like it would be so much more peaceful without a conscious, without anything. Hopefully SI leaves us alone one day :P

That one day must happen soon because I can not continue this nightmare any more …

 

[Useless Idiot]

I want to ctb by hanging but I can't explain it to myself how all those people who hanged themself successfully how they were able to kick their chair/ladder away. How could they stop being afraid and just do it?

I feel the exactly same way. I want to ctb by FSH too, but everytime I stand on the chair with the noose around my neck, I get scared, I can never ever find the courage to kick it away. I also wonder now how people do it so simply and end all their pain.
I can relate to the other thing you said as well, cause my situation is going to get worse. Still I can't find the courage.

 

[Terrible_Life]

I feel the exactly same way. I want to ctb by FSH too, but everytime I stand on the chair with the noose around my neck, I get scared, I can never ever find the courage to kick it away. I also wonder now how people do it so simply and end all their pain.
I can relate to the other thing you said as well, cause my situation is going to get worse. Still I can't find the courage.

Yes exactly this should be mentioned more often that once you stay on that damn chair or ladder or whatever and you have the noose on your neck tightened a fear will break out a horrible fear I can't even really fully describe it all I remember is I was shaking and the best way I can try to describe is like imagine a portal opens itself and you can enter it and you know when you enter it all your pain here will end yes but you have absolutely no idea what is there on the other side of that portal + of course the huge pain you'll feel while still conscious is another reason why I was so afraid. It was really a weird experience when I attempted and I have no one with whom I could've talked about it freely because maybe that'd have helped to reflect what really happened in my attempt and what really went wrong …… unfortunately I have no other choice I must commit suicide but it'll be very difficult and that pisses me off tbh it pisses me off why I was born in this shit life and now it's all on me to do this difficult painful thing to end a shit life that should've never happened.

 

[Useless Idiot]

Yes, on that moment I get sweaty and even start to breathe heavily . I feel like I should not have been born at all when I am too coward to ctb even when this is the only way out. But what to do when I am born after all?
I hope fear and SI will leave us alone one day so that we can finally get rid of suffering.

 

[Terrible_Life]

Yes, on that moment I get sweaty and even start to breathe heavily . I feel like I should not have been born at all when I am too coward to ctb even when this is the only way out. But what to do when I am born after all?
I hope fear and SI will leave us alone one day so that we can finally get rid of suffering.

It's a horrible moment isn't it and then one day after the failed attempt reality kicks in you see how it's the same nightmare and you get even more pissed off why you didn't just ctb ….. there must be something that will make it possible for us who suffer so much to end it I can't endure this anymore

 

[ifihadnever]

Yes this is a big problem especially when the suicidal person is at a point where he must leave because otherwise he has no choice but to go to an even worse place like for example there are people on sasu who mention they must ctb soon otherwise they'll soon become homeless etc and then those people get stopped by that damn si and will be forced to become even worse …. In my situation it's a horrible indescribable mental pain and it's a family that makes everything much worse. I have no energy left I hate every day there's nothing positive it's all the time being anxious and getting hurt by this mental pain.
I lost all hopes….if I'd be alone right now I'd try it to ctb

I'm so sorry that you also suffered so much and now you are at the same point where I am and you want to end the nightmare.
I also absolutely hate it when the noose is tightened on my neck and when I feel the pain on my neck but yes it's also absolutely true that in the end this life this horrible painful tragic life is much more painful then those damn 15 seconds so I am very angry and sad about it why I don't free myself. I must say about this I was always a person who hesitated and didn't make an important decision and then stood fully behind it this might also be a huge handicap especially since suicide is probably one of the most difficult decisions a human being can make. In the end it is us killing ourself and this is completely against our nature our damn nature wants us to be happy , wants us to be in good company, fulfill a purpose even it'd be us working in a meaningless shit job we'd still stand up at 6 am knowing what we do brings food to the table so we'd feel productive and yes also humans want connection to other humans they want to fall in love etc but now there are people like us who can't be in harmony with our human nature who can't live their life the way they want to because of the pain they have but still the nature makes it difficult for us to end it.
My life is just negative I have nothing why am I still here? …..

I agree with all you've said. It's so frustrating that im not sure my brain will allow me to endure what realistically is like you said...maybe 15 seconds of pain. But it will let me go on day after day after day like this. I really struggle with that concept. It just doesn't makes sense. But its how we are wired. But yet so many people do go on and commit suicide . ...I feel like ive been so stuck for so long that ill just keep on the merry go round. But I really do want off it. I will try...but sadly im just not sure ill manage. Then im worried with what I will be left with...

Horrible feeling isnt it....

 

[Hollowman]

You're right about emotional numbness. That's the state I've been in for a long time. I could easily hang myself right now if my mom wasn't still alive.