It hurts knowing i’m alive

[die2live]

It hurts knowing ending my life is not as easy as wishing for it. I keep ending up back at this site despite periods of "decent" months. I know ctb is inevitable for me, it's time for me to set a date. I don't want to see the end of this year. I don't want anyone to know about my ctb apart from family, I'm embarassed thinking about the fact people will know I committed suicide (stupid I know).

Everything about my existence is bad and I mean everything.

 

[FuneralCry]

It also hurts me being alive, I understand. I wish it was easier to leave this world, it would comfort me so much if I knew I could just exit peacefully. I know it can be dreadful to live a life that is just pain and suffering. I want nothing to do with this life at all. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best.

 

[MiserableInCT]

It hurts knowing ending my life is not as easy as wishing for it. I keep ending up back at this site despite periods of "decent" months. I know ctb is inevitable for me, it's time for me to set a date. I don't want to see the end of this year. I don't want anyone to know about my ctb apart from family, I'm embarassed thinking about the fact people will know I committed suicide (stupid I know).

Everything about my existence is bad and I mean everything.

Me too. Turns out I'm a bit of a coward. --- OR --- Prudently cautions because trying and failing would make a terribly bad situation even worse and that is certainly less acceptable than the status quo of every day being miserable. When i CTB it is going to be scandalous because of my past. (Another reason why I can't try, and fail.). My life should have ended when I was 18. Second month of college and it has been all downhill since.

Today I closed a joint bank account with my (soon-to-be) ex-wife and transferred the funds into a new account, closing the joint account. I didn't even realize how much that was going to hurt until after I had it done.

 

[sad_gurl_thoughts]

for me life is so much pain and sadness...always loneliness. I can barely propel myself forward so why can't I just waste away?

 

[MiserableInCT]

for me life is so much pain and sadness...always loneliness. I can barely propel myself forward so why can't I just waste away?

Sigh -- I reached a place where not propelling myself forward became a choice to actively waste away. I have been struggling and persevering through adversity for 36 years now, and I just decided: I'm not trying anymore. All the struggling did not result is a positive outcome. I have no reason to believe that anything I do will change future outcomes either. I do feel less alone with the pain having discovered these forums. Finally some people who I know understand what I am feeling. I hope you find some relief from the sadness.