Venting "It got better for me, therefore it will get better for everyone because I'm the main character and so my experience is obviously universal!"

[Wolf Girl]

Fuck off with this shit, god DAMN. I had to see it, so now y'all have to be exposed too. I'm not even going to vent because you guys know exactly what I have to say about this.

I'm the bullied fat girl in the screenshots and it's been nearly 20 years and nothing got better.

 

[HereUntilApril]

I feel you on this a lot. It can be hard when people say that it gets better because everyone is different. I feel like people that say this mean well, but it can feel very dismissive. The issue I have with it is that people say life gets better like it's an objective fact when it's more subjective. If life can get better, life can also get worse.

 

[Dejected 55]

Yeah... it doesn't get better for everyone... and the other side of that is... there are some people who have had it good their whole lives, and one day it will get worse for them... and they won't see it coming because nobody ever told them they needed to consider it.

It's like when I say something about being alone all my life and the loneliness is literally killing me... and people say "relationships aren't everything." MOST people who say that either are in a relationship OR have been in a relationship and are single by choice at the moment. Very few people will say that to you if they are in the same situation as you.

People usually downplay things they have that they take for granted and try to tell you how you shouldn't want those things... which is weird, because they obviously want them because they have them... I've asked countless people in relationships who tell me this to imagine their lives if their significant other was taken from them... would they be okay? I mean relationships aren't that great and all, so if your spouse vanished tomorrow, you would be cool, right? Or maybe imagine you never met that person in the first place, still cool? They never have an honest answer for me on that.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Yeah... it doesn't get better for everyone... and the other side of that is... there are some people who have had it good their whole lives, and one day it will get worse for them... and they won't see it coming because nobody ever told them they needed to consider it.

Yes, it's only socially acceptable to tell people it gets better. If a disabled person points out that anyone could end up disabled, that message is definitely not being blown up in ad campaigns the way "it gets better" was.

It's like when I say something about being alone all my life and the loneliness is literally killing me... and people say "relationships aren't everything." MOST people who say that either are in a relationship OR have been in a relationship and are single by choice at the moment. Very few people will say that to you if they are in the same situation as you.

People usually downplay things they have that they take for granted and try to tell you how you shouldn't want those things... which is weird, because they obviously want them because they have them... I've asked countless people in relationships who tell me this to imagine their lives if their significant other was taken from them... would they be okay? I mean relationships aren't that great and all, so if your spouse vanished tomorrow, you would be cool, right? Or maybe imagine you never met that person in the first place, still cool? They never have an honest answer for me on that.

"I've literally never been without access to this basic part of life before, but I definitely know for a fact that I'd be fine without having it as an option on the table if I was you." Right? Intimate relationships are very important to some people and that's okay. As someone who didn't start dating til very late, I can confidently say I missed out on a lot and I'll never get back all that time and youth. It's fair to feel like you feel.

 

[_Gollum_]

To be charitable, I think what a lot of people mean when they say this is that young people are emotionally dysregulated and haven't developed enough executive function to live healthy lives, but over time, they tend to even out, such that they become able to handle what life throws at them. And in fairness, I think this is true in a lot of cases.

But of course they don't have the nuance to understand that that's not everyone's case. That there might be some situations that are too much to handle, that there are some things that are unsolvable, that some people just straight-up don't have--and maybe even never had--a will to live. Or just the simple fact that what goes up must come down: sure, things get better, but things also get worse. For me as I've gotten older I've just gotten worse.

 

[caramelkidney]

To be charitable, I think what a lot of people mean when they say this is that young people are emotionally dysregulated and haven't developed enough executive function to live healthy lives, but over time, they tend to even out, such that they become able to handle what life throws at them. And in fairness, I think this is true in a lot of cases.

But of course they don't have the nuance to understand that that's not everyone's case. That there might be some situations that are too much to handle, that there are some things that are unsolvable, that some people just straight-up don't have--and maybe even never had--a will to live. Or just the simple fact that what goes up must come down: sure, things get better, but things also get worse. For me as I've gotten older I've just gotten worse.

was just about to say something like this. the advice in the original post is meant for people who have menial problems; the people on this forum are not that.

 

[Wolf Girl]

.
Y'all, I understand that this post was aimed at teenagers and had good intent. But intent and impact are different. I am particularly frustrated by this post for 2 reasons:

1. I am routinely given this EXACT platitude as a grown woman in my mid-30s with permanent problems, including chronic pain, so that's inappropriate.

2. I wanted a husband and baby and I never got them because I am infertile (thank god tbh) and a failure at relationships. I consumed a lot of "everything works out in the end"/"it gets better" messages in my 20s and I sincerely believed that my life would someday just "get better." This has done a huge amount of harm as I've had to unpack those beliefs and accept reality.

It fucking hurts so much worse because they convinced me "it gets better."

 

[kopebaldy]

Things will be better if you just do [things]
I did, didn't change shit

If you do [things] you will feels [stuff]
Nope, ain't feeling shit

Trust me, you'll see yourself changing
Yeah I'm getting much angrier than before

You need to change your mindset
Yes because my feelings are switches I can turn off any moment

I understand that I'm weird, I understand that I'm stupid, I understand that I'm an unwanted guest in this thing we call life.

But I can't understand why the normals so against of me leaving, it's beneficial for both of us wtf do you mean no?

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I also was the bullied weirdo in school. Now I'm 31 and on the verge of suicide. It definitely gets better, one comes to see how absurd and futile everything is

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

Yeah... it doesn't get better for everyone... and the other side of that is... there are some people who have had it good their whole lives, and one day it will get worse for them... and they won't see it coming because nobody ever told them they needed to consider it.

It's like when I say something about being alone all my life and the loneliness is literally killing me... and people say "relationships aren't everything." MOST people who say that either are in a relationship OR have been in a relationship and are single by choice at the moment. Very few people will say that to you if they are in the same situation as you.

People usually downplay things they have that they take for granted and try to tell you how you shouldn't want those things... which is weird, because they obviously want them because they have them... I've asked countless people in relationships who tell me this to imagine their lives if their significant other was taken from them... would they be okay? I mean relationships aren't that great and all, so if your spouse vanished tomorrow, you would be cool, right? Or maybe imagine you never met that person in the first place, still cool? They never have an honest answer for me on that.

There are not so few people who have had it good their whole lives and it will never get worse for them. The driving factors are not the external circumstances nor their abilities but the chemistry in their heads, which is somehow an ability too. And of course there are positive feed back loops.

Naturally this lucky majority in real life is a minority in a suicide forum. By the way, the wording "one day it will get worse for them" sounds a little envious.

 

[amerie]

Personally, I think it's obnoxious to say this type of rhetoric to a mentally or physically ill person who comes forward about their ailments and someone who has a lot more privilege and had the time to get better and "grow out of it" tries to tell their story without advocating against the socioeconomic and environmental stressors that lead to most people becoming mentally ill *cough Emman Atienza* WHO SAID RHAT???

That being said, I don't think people sharing their personal stories on their own blogs are doing it with the intent of selling you a guarantee, but they want you to try, try and see the beauty in life before you do something permanent that you wouldn't have done had you attempted proper recovery.

Especially when you're young and your brain isn't finished developing and you haven't experienced most of life, which can vary from a lot of people because everyone is different, but there are so many things I now know at 19 that I didn't at 14 and you don't really realize how small your world is. It's why I'm waiting to CTB until I'm in my 20s or 30s.

Of course unfortunately life isn't fair and sometimes it really doesn't.

 

[Dejected 55]

Another aspect to the "it gets better" platitude that I've never heard anyone discuss, and I only recently thought of myself...

Okay... define "better."

What if it does in fact get "better" but is still not very good, horrible even? What about people with long-term illnesses that leave them with permanent damage to their bodies. Yes, at some point it does get "better" but they still may be unable to do many things that mean a lot to them.

What about someone traumatized early in their life, and eventually they stop experiencing new trauma, so arguably it is "better" but their old trauma has scared them in ways that make moving forward in a meaningful way difficult?

So, besides those of us who do not believe it will get better, and all the people for whom it did not get better... don't forget the people for whom it technically did get better, but still not very good.