It fucking hurts to see who I’ve become

[affirmatice]

This is not me anymore living.

It's not truly me, it's depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, and then a tiny bit of me.

It hurts to see the person I am now. It hurts even more to hear it from others. Friends, strangers, my girlfriend. they call me unfriendly, intimidating, serious, mean-looking.

Do I blame them? Not really because it is who I've become. And I'm not gonna share my deepest feelings with anyone but my therapist. But it still hurts. Even when I try my best, and I hear a comment like that, it's a reminder of the broken human I am.

They don't know what I'm going through. They don't know that the person they're talking to is fighting through layers and layers of mental pain. Maybe if they knew I spent all my free time thinking about suicide, they would understand

Whatever… I decided that I'm too far gone. When I CTB maybe they'll understand. Not that I want to rub it in their faces. But just to tell them that - that wasn't me. I'm not mean, I'm not unfriendly, I don't want to be intimidating. I'm just like that because of everything that I'm dealing with

 

[dontwakemeup]

Even if you were to tell them everything you wrote, they still wouldn't understand! It seems people think if something bad happens to you then at some point you should "get over it!" What others don't understand, there are things we simply can't get over.

Even in your death, they won't understand. If you leave a note, there will still be questions. They will never see the signs.

It's actually easier to do what I do and pretend I'm happy and people easily believe it! I've found it easier to navigate life and "fit in" by smiling and never admitting I'm not ok. It seems like your behavior, facial expressions, and attitude gives your state of mind away. If those comments bother you then you have to learn to act like them or it will never stop.

I'm sorry you have to deal with everything alone.

 

[hereornot]

Personally, I also feel very sad about the outcome of my life. I was very different. I will not continue to live this life.

 

[VaporSelf]

I feel you man

 

[kitkat9234]

I feel the same. I hate who I've become and still can't believe this is my sad miserable life. I just want it to end already.

 

[Worndown]

When some aspect of us is broken, you can easily be viewed as unfriendly, intimidating, serious, mean-looking.

Can you use what you have learned from your therapist to make your life better.

You might work up a more friendly explanation and let those close to you know that you are aware of your image issues and are wotking to improve yourself.

Without any explanation, they only see what you project. Give them some context. Let them know when you are having a more terrible day then usual. A warning goes a long way. They will know and give you the needed space.

 

[Fritz]

I had so much potential when I was younger as a design engineer. Things went well for a few years, then fucked up and got married, took a safe/secure job that leaves me empty. Now running down the clock to retirement thinking of what could have been.

All that being said, if I had the opportunity to come back and try again, I wouldn't do it. Once was more than enough.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

And the funny thing is, during the times we WERE somewhat mentally healthy and sacrificing ourselves to help others, we were "the nicest people in the world".

 

[dela]

I also feel this way. When you're young there are just so many paths you can take and things you can do. It seems the possibilities are endless. When I was a kid the future looked bright and I truly felt like I could do anything. But now I've become bitter and sad, and I fucked up every chance I had to change things. It hurts so much. I no longer enjoy the things that I liked. I feel like I'm not myself.

Sometimes this song makes me calmer when I'm feeling this way. I find it comforting to think it will all end soon. Perhaps you'll like it too.

 

[Electra]

You've become someone who's fighting mental pain every day. You've become a fighter. And fighters usually look intimidating because they well...have fought many battles. There's this saying that angels are intimidating and downright frightening to scare off evil. Maybe it's like that, maybe not.

 

[VoidBlessed]

This really hit home. When I was young I was an ephemeral creature full of love and light, daydreaming about perfect worlds and able to still see the best in people. As the trauma has piled up over the years, I've felt myself morphing into something my young self would have been horrified by, an anglerfish, a wretched freak from the abyss. My imagination is dark now, full of trauma and pain, and it's so hard to see the best in anyone anymore. I still have bits of my old self but they're being eroded, and I absolutely want to die before I lose it all.

 

[belly.up4good]

This is not me anymore living.

It's not truly me, it's depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, and then a tiny bit of me.

It hurts to see the person I am now. It hurts even more to hear it from others. Friends, strangers, my girlfriend. they call me unfriendly, intimidating, serious, mean-looking.

Do I blame them? Not really because it is who I've become. And I'm not gonna share my deepest feelings with anyone but my therapist. But it still hurts. Even when I try my best, and I hear a comment like that, it's a reminder of the broken human I am.

They don't know what I'm going through. They don't know that the person they're talking to is fighting through layers and layers of mental pain. Maybe if they knew I spent all my free time thinking about suicide, they would understand

Whatever… I decided that I'm too far gone. When I CTB maybe they'll understand. Not that I want to rub it in their faces. But just to tell them that - that wasn't me. I'm not mean, I'm not unfriendly, I don't want to be intimidating. I'm just like that because of everything that I'm dealing with

Yep. It's sad to see how people label you as if it's all you are. Like, trust me, I wish I wasn't like this. I always fantasize about being a child again, obviously nostalgia isn't 100% perfect, but man I was myself, I was kind, I didn't constantly overthink my every move. Before all the bullying I went through, the manipulation, being used. Being neglected. Abandoned. Like..I know how you feel. I want to go back in time so bad. I would do anything. I daydream constantly about it, and sometimes I hope and pray it'll really happen, because how can this be my life now?

 

[Overwhelmed52]

This is not me anymore living.

It's not truly me, it's depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, and then a tiny bit of me.

It hurts to see the person I am now. It hurts even more to hear it from others. Friends, strangers, my girlfriend. they call me unfriendly, intimidating, serious, mean-looking.

Do I blame them? Not really because it is who I've become. And I'm not gonna share my deepest feelings with anyone but my therapist. But it still hurts. Even when I try my best, and I hear a comment like that, it's a reminder of the broken human I am.

They don't know what I'm going through. They don't know that the person they're talking to is fighting through layers and layers of mental pain. Maybe if they knew I spent all my free time thinking about suicide, they would understand

Whatever… I decided that I'm too far gone. When I CTB maybe they'll understand. Not that I want to rub it in their faces. But just to tell them that - that wasn't me. I'm not mean, I'm not unfriendly, I don't want to be intimidating. I'm just like that because of everything that I'm dealing with

People view me the same way. It's awful. It's like I have all of these good intentions on the inside but they get completely misunderstood when they make their way to the outside. I think all the times of ways I'd like to help people, but they don't want me around, and there are some awful people who get off on spreading rumors, etc., to turn me into an even bigger outcast. It really sucks how ready people are to dislike me without giving me any benefit of the doubt.

 

[LittleJem]

This

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I don't believe that I am anything more than the burdens I bring onto the world. I don't see any point in getting better when I feel worse every day. I thought I was at my lowest six months ago, but I have sunk even deeper then that. Self-harm hasn't been hurting enough. Nothing I do is enough. I do believe that, if I am to let go and be lost to this world, this would be the time.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

This is not me anymore living.

It's not truly me, it's depression, anxiety, sadness, anger, and then a tiny bit of me.

It hurts to see the person I am now. It hurts even more to hear it from others. Friends, strangers, my girlfriend. they call me unfriendly, intimidating, serious, mean-looking.

Do I blame them? Not really because it is who I've become. And I'm not gonna share my deepest feelings with anyone but my therapist. But it still hurts. Even when I try my best, and I hear a comment like that, it's a reminder of the broken human I am.

They don't know what I'm going through. They don't know that the person they're talking to is fighting through layers and layers of mental pain. Maybe if they knew I spent all my free time thinking about suicide, they would understand

Whatever… I decided that I'm too far gone. When I CTB maybe they'll understand. Not that I want to rub it in their faces. But just to tell them that - that wasn't me. I'm not mean, I'm not unfriendly, I don't want to be intimidating. I'm just like that because of everything that I'm dealing with

I've experienced so much of this, too.

Even as a kid people said I was too serious. I came from a broken home and parts of me had to grow up quickly by myself, so I was serious. That wasn't a good reason to shun me, I had plenty of good qualities. People constantly made unfair judgements about me based on my demeanor, so I never had the opportunity to have a normal social life.

Now I'm giving up. Social issues are only part of my reasons for CTB, but the lack of support network is one of the biggest factors. My wife left me after she met a guy who's more normal and lively. She abandoned me when I needed support more than ever. The fact that I know I won't find another partner makes me feel lonely and hopeless. I went on a few dates, but I realized I can't be the upbeat lively person women want anymore, especially not with my persistent severe depression. My life is no longer worth living.

 

[Daydream Believer]

I understand how you feel because I am a very strange stranger to the people who know me including myself . I fight my demons daily. Will I ever find myself again?

I hide in the shadows at night and feed my only friends -the stray dogs. I wrote this earlier today

******

Thoughts of a Madman

Update 13th December 2024

I used to be happy but I lost my mind last January. People ask me where has the real me gone. I ask myself the same question.

I isolate myself from the world always thinking about CTB to the world ever/never after. I have SN. But I am a single dad to my 16 year old son and 7 year old rescue dog. So I can't do myself in just yet, can I?

This morning at 4am, this lone wolf found solice in the shadows hanging out with his tribe-the street dogs. We didn't howl at the moon together, we just locked eyes fully aware that the world can be a cruel lonesome place for the lost, the broken and the discarded.

This barking mad nutcase peered into the blackness and sighed, "Where are you hiding?"

I knew I was somewhere beneath the milky way, somewhere under the rainbow. The man, who's eyes sparkled like dreamy stars in the midnight sky, a heart overflowing with selfless pure love, a soul shining bright for the grief-stricken, crushed lonely people lost in the darkness, and a mind swirling with hope and mystical magic.

I called out softly again, "You, the poet, the visionary, the believer who sang and danced through life, where have you gone?

A whisper from within, replied, "I'm right here, hidden deep inside your big red heart."

A wise warm smile danced on my lips as a beautiful teardrop of dazzling love trickled down my cheek before exploding on the pavement by my feet.

The homeless hounds peered into my eyes and I returned the favour as we gazed deep into each other's souls. The dogs joyously wagged their tails, as if they had also discovered the beautiful truth.

This broken misfit and his pack of losers shared an incredible moment that'll echo in our hearts forever.

Mad dogs and this crazy Englishman go out under the midnight moon.

Big Love to you

 

[J&L383]

I had so much potential when I was younger as a design engineer. Things went well for a few years, then fucked up and got married, took a safe/secure job that leaves me empty. Now running down the clock to retirement thinking of what could have been.

All that being said, if I had the opportunity to come back and try again, I wouldn't do it. Once was more than enough.

I have often wondered if I wanted to do it again. A different approach next time. But I get around to this feeling as well - once was enough.

 

[grungy自殺]

If only there's a save haven to process... the worst thoughts that we're all having..

For help

If that even exists...

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, that post really hits home...
I think that, not everyone understands but some do to some extent. I've done the thing of pretending to be well for the people around me and it just drained me more. At some point I gave up and expressed what I was going through - not the suicide part but everything else, I knew my household wouldn't act on it.

My sister understood, which was unexpected. My father was of the mindset of getting over it but didn't know how to help me. My grandma, who was who surprised me the most, told me she felt depressed in the past and suicidal. She was the most understanding and I would have never guessed she had felt that way before. She told me about all the mental illnesses running in the family, I learned quite a bit.
My boyfriend didn't understand several years ago, then his mother died and he came to understand.

All this to say that, sometimes people may surprise you in a positive way. Of course, all these years my father still manages to disappoint me and he will never understand but I'm glad I told my grandma. She died some years ago and if I hadn't told her I wouldn't have ever met that side of her.

Obviously, do what you feel it's best for your life. Just felt like sharing this to give another perspective. I'm very sorry for your suffering, when we're battling mental illnesses every day, those are some of the scars that we carry... It's not your fault, you're doing all you can.

 

[Carrot]

I didn't read much of this thread but...

When I was younger, I found Eeyore scenes from Winnie-the-Pooh incredibly boring. Similar with Josephine Anwhistle from A Series of Unfortunate Events (this one was grostesque, over exaggerated).

Now I relate to them. Maybe that's how healthy people view depressed people.

 

[notreallybored]

It's actually easier to do what I do and pretend I'm happy and people easily believe it! I've found it easier to navigate life and "fit in" by smiling and never admitting I'm not ok. It seems like your behavior, facial expressions, and attitude gives your state of mind away. If those comments bother you then you have to learn to act like them or it will never stop.

ב''ה, the whole world is fucked up, but the closer you get to California the more absolutely true this is, for what it's worth.