Venting It feels dirty to keep living

[SomewhatLoved]

I've never really been happy, and I've always struggled to maintain relationships. In elementary school I started getting bullied after my parents divorced, I think people could see I was sad, struggling in class, and I became more withdrawn and that made me an easy target. I made a friend online towards the end of elementary, and we were really close for a few years. Eventually they left me without reason. In junior high school I made a few friends who I am still in contact with, but I have never been particularly close with them. In high school (partially due to COVID) I was very socially isolated. Towards the end of grade/year 12 I looked back and realized I was becoming an adult, and thought I should really try at least once to change things so that I can be different. I knew as an adult no one would really come to "save" me. So, I made more friends, even got a partner, and everything was good for a few years. But eventually things with that friend group started falling apart. Me and my partner stayed together for a while, but eventually he left too.

I'm still not sure why he did. I remember in my mind I thought about what an ideal boyfriend/husband should be, and I tried to be that. I got a little box in his room that I would always keep full of chocolates and snacks for him. I would frequently take him out on dates. He suffered from joint problems particularly in his hips and feet, so nearly every time I was at his house I would always massage his feet and help him do stretches for his hips. I remember afterwards he would always feel relieved and comfortable and fall asleep and take naps, it was so cute. But he left. He came back a few months later and asked to get back together. I had been doing the "no contact" thing and trying to wait for him, but when it actually happened it was like something had changed. I knew I wasn't in a good place anymore, I was feeling extremely suicidal. I wanted to say yes but I had to say no because I knew I couldn't be what I was before. He told me I was the best boyfriend ever and that he regretted leaving, but I still didn't understand. I've had so many people leave me with no apparent reason I don't know why, but I'm the common variable so it feels like it has to be something about me.

I really loved my partner. He made me happy in a way I never had been before, so I put myself 100% into that relationship. I have never put that much effort into anything else before in my entire life, and I have felt so perpetually exhausted since (it's been almost a year), which makes me think I may never be able to ever again. I think that type of motivation and dedication only comes once in a lifetime. When I've told people that I'm suicidal I've been told "what risk is there in trying" or similar things, like I'm here so I might as well. But I think what people don't realize is I have been trying. I had my first suicidal thought when I was about 8 or 9 years old, and I'm now almost 21. I have been struggling with my mental health for nearly 12 years now. Especially over the past 3 years or so (from 17 to 20) I had tried really really hard to build a good life. I started going to the gym, studying more, taking care of my appearance, going out. I had so many people telling me I seemed so mature and disciplined for an 18 year old, but it was me trying with full force to change things. Now living in the aftermath of that, it feels dirty to keep living. A big part of that is knowing that I let my partner down and couldn't make him happy, but also just with myself knowing that I failed at trying to create change. It feels like I almost deserve to die now that it's all over.

I think back to when I was with my boyfriend. I remember I was always about saving money. As an 18 year old, I had 15,000 in the bank because everytime I got paid I would put everything I could into savings to build a future with him. I would legitimately put like 90% of my paycheck into savings the second it got deposited into my acccount, and I would use the other 10% to do nice things for him. Now, I have no use for my money. That habit has continued and I've continued depositing money into my savings account and investing it, but for nothing. I look at that number slowly grow and it almost makes me feel sick. I have 60,000 and nothing to use it for. I try to spend my money, but honestly it doesn't make me feel better. Every once in a while I'll take myself out to eat, but sitting there just makes me feel like a loser. I bought myself stuff for hobbies, I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle pretty soon, but I know it won't make me happy. I look forward to it but I know in my head that it won't change anything. Things have always seemed better from outside, and once I do something it seems to not be everything I thought it would be. Sometimes I think about giving all my money to charity, but I know it would cripple my chances at having any sort of future and if my parents found out they would definitely be pissed. I think if I died and it could go to charity it would be better for the world than me having it, I'm a low maintenance person and I've never really needed much. Even as a kid, my parents would always "complain" that whenever they offered things to me I would always say that I'm ok.

I have been told by people that they think I have BPD. Not professionals, so not a definitive diagnosis but I have had multiple people tell me that. My partner in specific told me that it seemed to him like I would have these periods where I would feel so intense in my emotions I would almost be inconsolable or on the other end, unexplainably happy. Maybe that's why he left me, and he just didn't want to admit it. Anyways, if I have BPD or something else I know I've lived with it my whole life because things have always felt this way to me. I guess in some way I hate it, but it's all I know. I liked loving my partner so strongly, even if maybe it was to my own detriment. A year after he left me I still am in love with him and honestly I don't want to stop loving him even if we don't really talk anymore at all. I just want it to end I think. It almost feels like I have stopped living already in some way. Eating, even food from my favourite restaurants, seems to not bring me joy like it used to. I've lost a substantial amount of weight to the point family members have commented worryingly on it. I just don't have an appetite anymore. Sometimes I won't eat for so long that I will feel weak and lightheaded, and I will force myself to go to the kitchen not because I'm hungry but so that I can have enough strength to go to work.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Forcing myself to eat is something I have done for a while now. Sometimes Ill smoke pot, and that will help a bit. Sometimes I will really be hungry though. but lately no.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

I've had people tell me that I should have a "hoe phase" or just force myself to let go, but I don't want to. I hate the idea of it, it feels untruthful to myself. I think lying to yourself is one of the worst things you can do. Why would I force myself to let go of something that makes me happy. My mom, brother, closest friends, and pretty much everyone from my professional life (instructors, clinical preceptors, work partner, manager, colleagues, people from other departments) have all told me that I would be an amazing partner and that I should date people. I don't even boast about myself or talk about relationships or anything, but people have learned over time that I can cook and I've been told I'm quite a professional and respectful person, so I think eventually they have just come to that conclusion. I have people asking me if I'm seeing anyone new yet, but it just angers me. Sometimes it makes me want to yell and tell people to shut the fuck up because I'm sick of trying to deflect, but I obviously can't do that to colleagues. I don't want to date. I almost feel like it's my ethical responsibility not to, because something always seems to go wrong. I think I have to keep myself away for the sake of others.

And to be honest, I'm not sure if I could maintain a healthy relationship as I have problems with my sexuality. I don't mean I hate myself for having same-sex attraction or anything like that, but more so just I hate sex and have a complicated relationship with it. I have a sex drive so in my relationship we would have sex, but I suck at it and I would always feel gross after. My partner never told me that I was bad at it and I could make him orgasm, but I know it wasn't necessarily "good" sex. Eventually he stopped initiating with me, and when I would ask often he would say no. Eventually on the advice of others I "pulled back" and gave him space, trying to focus on making sure he was well-rested and had his emotional needs met, while also trying to make sure that I wasn't "forcing" myself on him or anything. When that happened our sexual relationship just kind of disappeared, though. I'm not sure if he was really attracted to me anymore.

I don't like sex. On a physical level it feels good and I have some drive for it as I said, but when I think about it more seriously I think if I could remove it from the world I would. I understand that it's an important part of a relationship, so of course I would perform it, but honestly I think I would be better off without it existing. I am more ok with "giving" pleasure, i.e. performing oral sex and things like that, but I don't like "receiving" pleasure. If in a relationship I could just always go down on my partner and never have them touch me or physically pleasure me I think I would, but I know a relationship is about give and take, and my sex drive is still present so I think realistically I would want it too. But I always seemed to please my partner more with oral/digital sex as opposed to penetrative sex.

Forcing myself to eat is something I have done for a while now. Sometimes Ill smoke pot, and that will help a bit. Sometimes I will really be hungry though. but lately no.

I'm scared to even weigh myself. I knew I had lost weight as my ribs have become more visible, but it's at the point where I've had family members comment on it. I don't even really wear slim-fitting clothes or anything. When it happened for the first time I was wearing a hoodie and baggy jeans, so my figure wasn't really visible. I think it must be to the point that maybe it is even showing in my face or forearms.

I was recently talking to the head/lead social worker at the place I work. He is a genuinely nice guy, he clearly cares lots about people. He's compassionate, selfless, and just genuinely a good person. He was telling me about how he's sort of given up on dating and is just going to stay single. I think he's probably in his 40s. He was telling me how he's had multiple long term relationships. 7 years, two 5 year relationships, a couple 2 year relationships. He said that things have just not seemed to work out. He's without question a much nicer and pleasant person than me, so to see him failing just makes me so fucking sad. It makes me feel like there really is no hope, if even someone like him is having to give up.