naookoo128
Schmerz den Masochisten
- Jul 13, 2025
- 4
hey SaSu community, i am kinda new to this place and wanted to share my plan to ctb and other thoughts on death and so on, youre very welcome to share your opinions with me.
i am thinking a lot about death and suicide since i was 10 years old, now im 30, living in germany (english is not my main language but ill still try to do it without translating), and after my second big breakup a year ago and isolating myself and being extremely destructive and griefing most of my lifetime my ideas of ctb are getting more and more real. so i found SaSu and the PPEH and read a lot.
since N seems to be no option, it looks like SN is the best method for me, just as peacefull and reliable as it can get, please. i am pretty sure that my SI would hold me back from doing things like jumping or shooting myself. maybe even from drinking the SN, we will see. i never had much willpower and discipline, which had lead me into a miserable life, and maybe im not even strong enough to end it the "easy" way.
anyways, right now im trying to get everything i need for a good SN protocol.
i dont know much about medicine, which makes this procedure pretty stressfull for me.
yesterday i ordered the SN. after a short frustration, only finding websites that would sell the product to a company, like many other people here already said, i found a site where i bought 1kg Natriumnitrit NaNO2 with >99% purity for about 7,50€ plus shipment. thoughts? i mean is that to good to be true? the website looks very legit to me, it also sells supplements and spices and so on. is it possible to post a picture? of the product, without showing the website, of course.
next thing, benzodiazepines and metoclopramid. first i will try to get it from my doctor where i usually go. i think im a good liar but we also like each other and he knows much about my depression and so on, so i dont know if it will be so easy. the metoclopramid is probably easier to get, and since im living in berlin, im sure i could get the benzo´s from the street if a doctor wont give it. i will also get some painkillers, but im not sure they will be part of the protocol, which is very basic so far:
8-12 hours before SN: fasting, 2 hours without water
1 hour before SN: maybe painkiller
40 minutes before SN: 30mg metoclopramid
prepare 3 glasses of 25gm SN in 50-100ml water (bodyweight about 70kg), 2 extra in case of vomiting
crush and mix 20x30mg Benzo with minimal but enough water
drink both
i havent thought about the exact time and date i want to die yet. i am living alone and will do it at home i think. the chance that someone will interrupt me is nearly 0. i will need to write some timed message for the ambulance to pick me up, i dont want someone to find my body without knowing what happened.
so, now i have some thoughts, maybe you have ideas on changing my protocol, based on these.
- even though i used to drink a very salty drink every morning for a long time, which was very okay for me, i still think i have a very weak stomach in general. so would it make sense to take more anti-emetics and also earlier?
(for that reason i also wont drink alcohol, but im thinking about a little ketamine or weed.)
- im still very nervous about the whole thing, especially about my last minutes, the ones between drinking SN and passing out. if i will really make it, holding it in, and so on. i will definitly cry a lot and my heart will race heavily. i think i would like to pass out as fast as possible, as the voices in my head will probably terrorize me a lot. but i guess the amount of Benzo will do that, right? i´ve never taken these in my life, so i guess i have no tolerance for it.
for now, most of the time im still fighting in my head, but over last year the pro-choice voice got more dominant than the pro-life one. i always used to be a very optimistic person i think, also insanely destructive at times, but deep inside there was always a lot of hope, besides all the suffering and griefing. which hurts most, besides giving it up of course, is that im leaving many people behind that love me a lot, which is a huge privilige of course, i know that. many of them know how much my depression affected my life, but i think everyone will be very shocked to find out i ended it. im thinking a lot about writing goodbye letters, best would be to write a letter to everyone, but thats insanely stressfull, and im a big perfectionist, so these last words will be very hard to find.
i think thats it for now, sorry about the grammar,
wishing u the best
i am thinking a lot about death and suicide since i was 10 years old, now im 30, living in germany (english is not my main language but ill still try to do it without translating), and after my second big breakup a year ago and isolating myself and being extremely destructive and griefing most of my lifetime my ideas of ctb are getting more and more real. so i found SaSu and the PPEH and read a lot.
since N seems to be no option, it looks like SN is the best method for me, just as peacefull and reliable as it can get, please. i am pretty sure that my SI would hold me back from doing things like jumping or shooting myself. maybe even from drinking the SN, we will see. i never had much willpower and discipline, which had lead me into a miserable life, and maybe im not even strong enough to end it the "easy" way.
anyways, right now im trying to get everything i need for a good SN protocol.
i dont know much about medicine, which makes this procedure pretty stressfull for me.
yesterday i ordered the SN. after a short frustration, only finding websites that would sell the product to a company, like many other people here already said, i found a site where i bought 1kg Natriumnitrit NaNO2 with >99% purity for about 7,50€ plus shipment. thoughts? i mean is that to good to be true? the website looks very legit to me, it also sells supplements and spices and so on. is it possible to post a picture? of the product, without showing the website, of course.
next thing, benzodiazepines and metoclopramid. first i will try to get it from my doctor where i usually go. i think im a good liar but we also like each other and he knows much about my depression and so on, so i dont know if it will be so easy. the metoclopramid is probably easier to get, and since im living in berlin, im sure i could get the benzo´s from the street if a doctor wont give it. i will also get some painkillers, but im not sure they will be part of the protocol, which is very basic so far:
8-12 hours before SN: fasting, 2 hours without water
1 hour before SN: maybe painkiller
40 minutes before SN: 30mg metoclopramid
prepare 3 glasses of 25gm SN in 50-100ml water (bodyweight about 70kg), 2 extra in case of vomiting
crush and mix 20x30mg Benzo with minimal but enough water
drink both
i havent thought about the exact time and date i want to die yet. i am living alone and will do it at home i think. the chance that someone will interrupt me is nearly 0. i will need to write some timed message for the ambulance to pick me up, i dont want someone to find my body without knowing what happened.
so, now i have some thoughts, maybe you have ideas on changing my protocol, based on these.
- even though i used to drink a very salty drink every morning for a long time, which was very okay for me, i still think i have a very weak stomach in general. so would it make sense to take more anti-emetics and also earlier?
(for that reason i also wont drink alcohol, but im thinking about a little ketamine or weed.)
- im still very nervous about the whole thing, especially about my last minutes, the ones between drinking SN and passing out. if i will really make it, holding it in, and so on. i will definitly cry a lot and my heart will race heavily. i think i would like to pass out as fast as possible, as the voices in my head will probably terrorize me a lot. but i guess the amount of Benzo will do that, right? i´ve never taken these in my life, so i guess i have no tolerance for it.
for now, most of the time im still fighting in my head, but over last year the pro-choice voice got more dominant than the pro-life one. i always used to be a very optimistic person i think, also insanely destructive at times, but deep inside there was always a lot of hope, besides all the suffering and griefing. which hurts most, besides giving it up of course, is that im leaving many people behind that love me a lot, which is a huge privilige of course, i know that. many of them know how much my depression affected my life, but i think everyone will be very shocked to find out i ended it. im thinking a lot about writing goodbye letters, best would be to write a letter to everyone, but thats insanely stressfull, and im a big perfectionist, so these last words will be very hard to find.
i think thats it for now, sorry about the grammar,
wishing u the best
