It all comes back to one thing...

[Surai]

Of all the distractions I try to distract myself. Cant keep the thought out. I know why I keep beating myself up. It all comes back to one thing. Why I keep falling into my desires. Why I keep falling back into. Where the hall is extended far forward. I walked its length. past its tall pillars closed by long glass. Where I ended at its podium. Where It had lifted a curtain. After I fleeting feeling that didnt last. To reveal what exactly I had done. What exactly it had meant. Where one person in different choices had killed themselves. One where they sat in a half full bath tub. With their left arm laid out. Over the edge dripping blood. Panning where you find in oh so many ways. Where a rope extended above their head. Or the floor where they lay in their own spit or a puddle of their own. What could I get from this. But the realization that I am just an animal. And thats all we are, an animal. A biological physical, mental, animal. And I realized this is why I am suffering so much. I was a kid where animals and humans were perceived to me to be two different beings. And why growing up had completely ruined me. Struggling to accept a connection to what I had separated since birth. Out of a consciousness. To be left trying to understand it. We are all trying to understand it, whether subconcsiously. And I thought I had given up. But it wont stop would it. Because the animal stays alive. And my consousness is trapped with it. So how else to free yourself, than to leave yourself. Leave this animal that has trapped us. Leave this animal that tortures us. By forcing us to feed it. Forcing us to think for it. forcing us to live... but it only can control so much. Until we who are trapped decide. That a trap is only good as what it had trapped. And if there isn't anything in it, There is no suffering.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I find it interesting but, equally distressing, that humans have evolved this duality. Even within our consciousness itself, we have the more primal, animal level. Not just the unconscious part that controls our breathing, heart rate, temperature. But, an instinctual drive to keep the system alive and safe and to reproduce.

But then, there is the cognitive part. The part of us that reasons and remembers, has preferences and tries to make sense of the world. The part that we most associate with being human because it's uniqueness in terms of content, makes us, us. I actually find it incredible in a way that we have evolved in such a way that that part has become so powerful. So powerful in fact that it can overwrite our natural desire to reproduce and even stay alive. It kind of amazes me that we can in fact choose to kill ourselves without offspring.