Venting Isolation

[letmeseethedeath]

I feel exactly the same. It seems like everyone has their life figured out. And honestly I don't want to hear about it, or pretend I care. Cause I don't feel like I care about anything anymore.

that's really breaking my heart. i'm hoping that everyday is my last day in this painful world

 

[Mr2005]

Being around other people is just embarrassing but if that's all others need then good luck to them. It is sad we're all so lonely but it feels like that's the best thing for me to do both for my own sake and theres

 

[morningdew]

Most people I'm sure even with mental health issues want interactions of some sort, I constantly think about suicide now and never want to b around people. I can just b however I like alone in these awful thoughts, being around people with a life and future is like torture

I completely understand. I live in a place where people are very active and engaged in activities I used to love. Due to health reason I can't be a part of any of them. Feeling alone sometimes is hard but lack of understanding or compassion from people is even harder. So like you, I seem to prefer to be alone. at least the internet is a little life and interaction.

I used to be very outgoing and have tons of friends. Now I'm so sad and I just don't feel like talking to anyone anymore. What's the point, what am I going to discuss ? That I feel just like a shadow of the person I was before ? That I have no will to go on? That I don't want to hear about their job, happy vacation or plans for the future, cause it kinda makes me sick I don't seem to have the ability to have those anymore ?
I know there is no getting better if I don't pull myself out of this hole I'm in. But damn I'm not even sure if I want to anymore. This all seems just so hard.

may I ask what changed? For me it was health related that changed my life from a normal person with friends and hopes and dreams.

 

[Rdc]

 

[Are you lost too?]

I completely understand. I live in a place where people are very active and engaged in activities I used to love. Due to health reason I can't be a part of any of them. Feeling alone sometimes is hard but lack of understanding or compassion from people is even harder. So like you, I seem to prefer to be alone. at least the internet is a little life and interaction.

may I ask what changed? For me it was health related that changed my life from a normal person with friends and hopes and dreams.

Oh I'm really sorry to hear that. Is there cure for your health condition?

It may sound silly but I changed jobs, then got fired in a month from the new one. It was a great job, great salary and company. But somehow I didn't dedicate enough. The day the ex boss fired me he said: "you're not happy here and it's not a fit to the company". Then I decided to study to do a freaking hard test to join the navy, only two vacancies. Then I saw that was like an impossible plan. Now I'm drifting around. I kind of don't feel I have the abilities to get a new job in the area I was in. I also don't feel like working with what I studied. I don't seem to want anything from this life anymore. Like I don't see the point of all this anymore. And I don't think I have the will or power to do something and change...

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I hate being isolated & alone, but the way I lived brought me to isolation... it helps with furthering ctb, but its still miserable.

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

I hate being isolated & alone, but the way I lived brought me to isolation... its helps with furthering ctb, but its still miserable.

I'm sorry for your pain and hurt, I wish I could take all the bad out of this world. It's so unfair

 

[BipolarExpat]

I hate being isolated & alone, but the way I lived brought me to isolation... its helps with furthering ctb, but its still miserable.

^ Could easily have been my words. I feel you 100% on this.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

^ Could easily have been my words. I feel you 100% on this.

Im sorry that you do... It truly is the relational death that indicates that really nothing is left. Are you actively planning?

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

Im sorry that you do... It truly is the relational death that indicates that really nothing is left. Are you actively planning?

Mind me asking what relational death means?

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm sorry for your pain and hurt, I wish I could take all the bad out of this world. It's so unfair

Thank you for this. You know it has to be the worst if I intend to kill myself. I have accepted the unfairness of life. And concluded Im not obligated to.stay.

Mind me asking what relational death means?

The loss of the anability to properly relate to oneself and others in a way that ensures proper communication, bonding, attachment. It is the ultimate inability to form or sustain healthy, fulfilling, meaningful relationships with others & self.

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

Thank you for this. You know it has to be the worst if I intend to kill myself. I have accepted the unfairness of life. And concluded Im not obligated to.stay.

The loss of the anability to properly relate to oneself and others in a way that ensures proper communication, bonding, attachment. It is the ultimate inability to form or sustain healthy, fulfilling, meaningful relationships with others & self.

I can relate to this also :( I'm getting there at least. I don't ever want to be alone but being around others is so exhausting I legitimately want to run out of wherever I am sometimes. And I have had no interest in family or friends for a very long time. The only thing that was keeping me alive was my therapist really. I did have a very deep connection to her but as of late she's pushed me away so much so that the hurt she's caused has inevitably helped me choose the path of CTB. It hurts so much when you care for others and give them your heart. Sometimes I wish I didn't care at all and other times I wish for more. Very painful

 

[BipolarExpat]

Im sorry that you do... It truly is the relational death that indicates that really nothing is left. Are you actively planning?

I don't know what I'm doing, CI.
I've gotten myself into a position where....I really don't wanna' die here...in this forsaken place.
Anxiety has destroyed my decisiveness and mail (N, SN) is out of the question.
Leaving is...would be an ordeal as I'm on contract & vaca days are a ways off.

I guess the only "good" news is I'm able to save, could eventually fly anywhere in the world.
I'm so incredibly isolated (my choices or rather months of doing nothing mainly) that I'm just lost.

So full of envy for those (crazy as this sounds) in their bedrooms with their poison.
Thanks for asking. You're sweet.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

You will find your way eventually we all do.

 

[takeyourshotfunboy]

Fuck yeah Joy Division

 

[BipolarExpat]

You will find your way eventually we all do.

Thank you. This isn't my first rodeo but it's different this time. Much, much more hopeless than before. Has to be an age thing. Don't you ever just get stuck in that mind of "this cannot really be happening to me, wtf?"

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Thank you. This isn't my first rodeo but it's different this time. Much, much more hopeless than before. Has to be an age thing. Don't you ever just get stuck in that mind of "this cannot really be happening to me, wtf?"

Yup. Its surreal. But I have come to a point of acceptance because I KNOW that this life is not my fault. Its so silly. I didn't ask to come here, I didn't choose: Time period, race, gender, parents, economic status, family..... And somehow with this cosmic lottery, of nothing but chance and luck, I am going to be held responsible because in the end Im being told: It's not what happens to you, its how you respond. BULL FUCKING SHIT. One ability to make lemons out of lemonade is no ore of free will than eye color. If I had accpeted this truth I have known deeply since I was a child I would be better today but the self hate came because I got into religion and became convinced that I was evil, sinner, defective... worst shit eve, but it was all I knew until now. Of course this is happeneing to me. It happnes to millions everyday.... So fucking what. We are just overgrown germs...... And soon it will be time to power down the meat machine for good.

 

[Done at Fifty]

I love to be alone and it doesn't seem to go with depression for me. I'm usually happier when I'm alone. People and life drain me and being by myself recharges me.
These days anything outside the norm is called some kind of condition but some people are simply loners. Personally I've always preferred to look at the world from the outside.