Venting isolation ruins everything

[nails]

nothing is relatable. i can't even indulge in media about pathetic people. aside from depression just making everything dull, i just no longer relate to anything i see. i can't relate to these miserable, suicidal characters because they always end up finding people and discovering the power of friendship or something. that, or they already had friends. it's not realistic at all, at least not for me. i only bring up media because it feels less serious, going any deeper makes me really sad. i'm disconnected from other suicidal people as well, most of them seem to have close relationships with others, talking about staying for them or feeling worried about hurting them. talking about isolation, i'm always met with others who so obviously don't understand, but think that they understand because they had no friends in middle school or something. if you have someone who will miss you when you ctb, then i don't really want to hear your thoughts. it's all so frustrating, there's nowhere to go with this shit. the few people out there who genuinely understand this are usually hesitant to speak, of course. i guess there isn't much to talk about, anyway.

i feel insane, i hate humans. i don't get why everything has to remain difficult and consistently get worse, even when i try my best. it always comes back to people being shit. i would've been much better off if i chose to remain alone and never attempted to meet others.
nothing is exciting or interesting, so i have nothing to talk about. i'm too cooked to solve any of my issues—not that any of them could be solved. i recently found the energy to cut again, i feel slightly excited about that. that's the first time i've felt excitement in a long time. i can't even make myself feel excited about new games, music, or even the new f1 season. it's not like i have anyone to discuss it with. enjoying something by yourself without even having the option to converse with another human about it becomes dull very quickly. i hate talking to myself and sitting with my thoughts for hours on end.

 

[Redacted.Audio]

If you'd like someone to talk to about games, music, any of that, I'm available. I may not share your experience completely, but I grew up alone. Humans are so difficult, my only goal is to try and understand what makes people like you and me tick, and then use that knowledge to help. Best of luck, no one deserves to be alone.

And yes "What about like, hitler", he deserves to be trapped in a cage with 10 million victims, not alone.

 

[scary]

nothing is relatable. i can't even indulge in media about pathetic people. aside from depression just making everything dull, i just no longer relate to anything i see. i can't relate to these miserable, suicidal characters because they always end up finding people and discovering the power of friendship or something. that, or they already had friends. it's not realistic at all, at least not for me. i only bring up media because it feels less serious, going any deeper makes me really sad. i'm disconnected from other suicidal people as well, most of them seem to have close relationships with others, talking about staying for them or feeling worried about hurting them. talking about isolation, i'm always met with others who so obviously don't understand, but think that they understand because they had no friends in middle school or something.

trvthnvke. Every piece of media about a depressed or suicidal character they always manage to find someone, which is something I can't relate to at all. I like movies like Better Off Dead for the reason the main character is also suffering from suicidal ideation but even then when he tries to ctb multiple times he still has at least one friend to fall back on and give support ontop of getting the girl at the end. It was comforting for a while to fantasize about being "saved" but now I just fantasize about death saving me.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i can't even indulge in media about pathetic people. aside from depression just making everything dull, i just no longer relate to anything i see. i can't relate to these miserable, suicidal characters because they always end up finding people and discovering the power of friendship or something.

on chiikawa despite how pathetic this may seem i actually feel lonely watching movies or shows where people have friends or partners, or they're lonely at first but then make friends. i feel like such a fucking loser for feeling like i have no one because even if i have friends i can't actually be open with them about how alone i feel or it'll be too obvious that i'm thinking about killing myself. talking about real isolation where even if you tried to talk to someone new they wouldn't understand you or would only partially understand you because they didn't have friends in high school or middle school, but they have friends now because people like them makes me want to die. throughout my entire life, i've consistently felt alone. i've lashed out at people that tried to tell me they could understand me when they obviously couldn't if they've dated before or had friends for multiple years, when i know that i'm replacable to almost everyone i've met and will meet.

i just don't care about relationships or friendships anymore because i can't be honest with anyone. knowing that i need to lie to people so that they aren't put off by me being chronically depressed and anxious just makes me think that if someone wants to be friends with me, they ought to be friends with someone that's actually normal and happy about their life. the only way people can enjoy my company is if i pretend the part of me that thinks about killing myself every day doesn't exist. most days i feel like i don't have the capacity to pretend to not be depressed. my real self is just a burden, even when people don't know i have suicidal thoughts.

enjoying something by yourself without even having the option to converse with another human about it becomes dull very quickly.

this has been the big reason i've become more depressed. losing people in my life or not being interesting enough to make them stay just makes everything feel boring. even with people in my life, i often spend most of my day by myself with my thoughts bouncing off my head, and my suicidal thoughts get worse because there was a time where i could share what i was doing with someone. my life used to be whole, but it isn't anymore. being able to compare my younger self to me now, not even a different person, makes me wish i knew how badly it would hurt to be alone. isolation as an emotion is such a boring and meaningless thing for me to express, too. i feel socially anxious when i'm not around people for a long time, and i feel irritated when i'm around people when i want to be by myself, because my capacity for conversation is much lower than what it used to be. i often don't want to talk at all, even though i still want to have conversations. i feel like i'm suffering when i'm by myself and when i'm with people, but it's easier to be depressed while i'm alone because i can sit in silence and be visibly miserable. the longer i stay detached from the people in my life and the people in my age range as a whole, i become less and less relatable to anybody besides other losers that don't leave their room. sometimes i just don't want to feel so alone, and i feel worse because i know there's nothing i can do to feel like someone understands why i'm so sad. i feel like i'm always thinking, "you don't really know what it's like", and it makes me feel so pointlessly judgemental.

 

[synchroscope]

oof this thread reminded me to rewatch Bojack Horseman. It's the only media I can think of where the main character doesn't get better, just worse, and the show ends on a depressing note with Bojack just not having learned much. I watch it when I want to spiral.