isolating myself

[sorararara]

people are fucking useless. talking to people and making close friends is my biggest regret.

in my rants about loneliness, i always mentioned a period of my life where i was completely isolated from others and went months without any human interaction (except my family members.)
i got out of that situation because i met a really good friend (on overwatch of all places) and i got really close with them. then i made more friends down the road.

in the period where i was completely isolated, i felt numb and practically emotionless. i had nothing but apathy towards the world and all of the people in it. of course, near the end, i felt completely misery. but i'm not worried about that anymore. i have great friends and i feel even worse than i did when i was alone. i feel lonelier, too. i feel everything i felt when i was alone. but at least i didn't have to deal with all of this guilt when i was alone.

i'm miserable with or without people in my life and i'll always be that way. i can't have any kind of friend or anything without eventually resenting them for absolutely no reason. i'm just a mess. i'm destined for misery no matter what i do, so i might as well remove the people from my life. i don't want to hurt anyone, and my friends are amazing. they don't deserve to put up with this, they deserve a friend who can fully appreciate them and bring positivity to their lives instead of a person who exhausts them.

i'll just slowly distance myself until everyone is fully out of my life. i want to cause as little damage as possible.

 

[-Link-]

people are fucking useless.

my friends are amazing

This is quite the contrast in thoughts.

Personally, I see the uselessness in people when I'm looking at the collective ("people" being "everyone as a whole"), but I'm also able to see "amazing" in people when I'm looking at an individual in a more personal or up-close sort of way. So, I can understand how these seemingly totally conflicting thoughts actually coexist on some level.

As for all else that you've said here, I know how it is to feel worse-off for having made connections with other people. It's like, I'm lonely in life either way, but there's an extra kind of stress and hurt when I feel lonely among other people, compared to what I feel when I'm literally alone. I know this stems from my own inner demons and that it'll never be enough to just "make friends" or "put myself in situations with other people" without also addressing the issues going on internally. But that's a battle I don't have in me right now, so I've been shutting myself out and isolating myself from others for a long time.

Of course I would encourage you or anyone else to fight like hell and do everything you possibly can to keep those connections if you value them. But I also know what it is to be in that position and how hard it actually is. I guess all of this is to say, I hear you, and you're not alone in this struggle.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I resonate so much with this. It sucks. But sucks less when am only messing with myself and not adding on guilt as well from messing with other people who mostly tried giving me their time and effort despite them having real life issues and struggles when objectively I had nothing to say/explain. Just built even more barriers that I had no words but they expected me to have something to say.

My compromise seems to be spending time in busy yet anonymous places. Like towns/supermarkets, especially where menial meaningless interactions can happen such as receptionists or cashiers. Be around people but in a functional way, not messing with them in their own limited free time.