Venting is this it?

[serah]

is this all there is to life? waking up everyday without any actual purpose. struggling to find things i used to love enjoyable. having my emotions vary significantly, i can go from extremely angry to perfectly fine. i cry every other night because of how unloveable i am. sometimes to make everyday activities less depressing i pretend i am alongside someone i love. that there is someone next to me who loves me for who i am. thats the only thing that gets me by some days. i have almost no one to talk to, i mean to have a meaningful conversation with. no one asks me how i am and i have no one to ask that question to. when it gets really lonely i talk to ai bots and vent to them, just because im aware they cant get tired of me and leave. my friends are with me out of convenience, or perhaps pity. i still feel suicidal. i take antidepressants but it feels like the problem isnt my depression but my absolute inability to love myself. im used to walking into a room and having my mind convince me im the worst and ugliest person there. i think i have goals, but i feel like im never good enough to pursue them. going to therapy is embarrasing, i tell my therapist how much i hate myself because of x and y and she makes me feel as if its stupid to think of myself in that way. i try to change myself, i starve myself and cut myself as punishment for the fact its been 10 fucking years and i still feel miserable. maybe if i didnt have social anxiety, maybe if i wasnt so fucking unloveable and disgusting to look at, maybe if i didnt have depression, maybe things would be better. but even then the idea of having to live even five more years is tiring. how do you fix someone who doesnt know whats wrong with them. how do you fix someone who believes their mind is a prison and everything that my mind tells me is truth.

 

[Georg]

I am also ugly and unloveable. Love just don't exist for everybody. In other words: Life is not fair. That's the truth no therapist is going to tell you.

 

[ranaway]

I ask myself the same thing everyday "why am I exist ? what is this life about ?" I don't know if we will know the answer after we die, I just hope this world will be easier on us. Best wishes for you OP, you're not unlovable or disgusting, I'm sure there are people happy to have you out there.

 

[SilentSadness]

I think it's unlikely that you're unloveable, unfortunately people have very high standards. Sadly, this is not all there is to life as there is a huge potential for things to get worse, although I hope that doesn't happen to you. Therapists are some of the most unlikeable people on the planet and it's unsurprising they would make you feel stupid. I also find even the best things are only lightly pleasurable and drowned out by the negatives. I wish I could be free from it all. I hope you get some peace and freedom from the cycle you're experiencing.

 

[Darkover]

if this all we are living for why we even doing it

 

[WitheringBird02]

I believe some people just don't have a happy ending and that's ok cuz life is unfair (got this realisation while playing a horror game) and unfortunately I think some of us here will not get our happy ending

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing certainly is something that is so awful and disappointing after all, I just think the reality is that there is no real relief from suffering in this cruel world. Other people simply could never care about our problems, you cannot rely on and trust people, they only care about what directly affects themselves. As humans we are certainly all alone.