Story Confused and Abused

[ohnnywantstogo]

I'll try my best to keep this as short and direct as possible.

I feel like im at the end of the road. All signs point to CTB. I've tried my hardest to do everything right but I feel like a huge fuck up. the last 3 years has been very difficult for me. I haven't been able to find a job and I literally have no money left. my rent is due in 3 days and have no way to pay for it. I feel like I would be doing my family a favor if I was just gone. I want to send my wife back to her family so I can get the opportunity to end it all.

I am self diagnosed with depression because where I live its too taboo to go to a psychologist for help. I was molested by a close family member at the age of 5 and this lasted for weeks before he moved away. Growing up I became a sex addict and a minor drug addict.. I was able to stop doing drugs but my sex addiction haunts me daily.

I got married to a really great women who treats me well. I have an amazing child that I really love but my depression always gets the best of me. I fight these urges everyday and feel like if I'm gone they will be sad but it's also better to not drag them down with me.

I come from a strict family and semi close to them. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about my severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

Everyday is struggle and it's getting harder and harder to keep a fake smile and pretending everything is OK when it's not. I really feel bad for my family and wish I never existed. I feel like im dragging everyone down with me without their knowledge and consent.

Maybe CTB is the best option for me. Maybe it isn't. I'm still contemplating what to do but as much as I try to look at the brighter side it only seems more dull and black. I dont want to drag my family with me. I want peace and want to give my family peace as well.

 

[AbusedInnocent]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, is there a chance you could talk to your wife about your depression and suicidal thoughts?

You should really try every alternative first for the sake of your wife and child, I don't know how hard it's gotten for you but your decision to CTB would probably affect them greatly.

Welcome to the forum, feel free to share your thoughts and feelings, most people here are really supportive.

 

[ohnnywantstogo]

1 minute I'm ready to ctb, then the next minute I see my child's face and get the courage to continue. This cycle repeats it self all day everyday. This is my battle that I deal with every single moment of my life. I wish I could find a solution to this pain.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, is there a chance you could talk to your wife about your depression and suicidal thoughts?

You should really try every alternative first for the sake of your wife and child, I don't know how hard it's gotten for you but your decision to CTB would probably affect them greatly.

Welcome to the forum, feel free to share your thoughts and feelings, most people here are really supportive.

Thank you for your response. I don't feel like my wife will understand. she has such a positive view on the world and I worry that if I tell her she will start getting depressed because of my emotional state. I feel like if I make it look like an accident it will be easier for her to cope later on.

 

[ohnnywantstogo]

After some research SN will be my preference. I'm just going to give myself sometime before deciding on date and time

 

[mrtime87]

Wouldn't your wife and child be worse off without you?

I can't relate because I'm not married, but having that support would probably prevent me from ending my life.