Story Is this all just trauma pilling up?

[vrotka]

I'm on a waiting list for my first therapy session and I right now I kinda need a place to vent and ask for some insight.

So recently I have been in the worst low point since like 2015 with loads of suicidal ideation including actual preparations and planning. Regarding "friendships" and relationships I've got burned a lot throught out my life. My relationship with parents, especially mum is a whole another story. Lots of severe bullying in school for nearly 6 years total to the point I have suffered from distressing flashbacks and to this day I get flashback-like nightmares that make me wake up with anxiety attacks. One person who I thought was someone very good and close lead me on and verbally attacked me when I was feeling like shit, which drove me to attempting suicide in 2015.
The last straw that broke the camels back was a person that I had feelings for admitting that they weren't honest to me with their own feelings. Long story short we both confessed we liked each other in the summer last year, they were a bit withdrawn from getting into relationship, reassured me they're honest but they just need time. I agreed to it and a lot of lovey dovey shit went on both ways for a month until suddenly they decided they don't want it. I was thrown off, but I understood their reasoning. Two months later of still being close friends I found out they started dating a new person and when I pressured them about they finally admitted "i was not honest with you, what i said back then wasn't what i felt, i regret it" and decided to cut me off because I got angry over this.
I knew it wasn't my fault, but I got left out feeling absolutely scared and horrendous, thinking it's life sending me signals that my life is worthless and people will always just treat me like shit.

It's been almost three months since that last person cut me off, but thinking back to it all makes me anxious. Few days ago my friend thought it was a good idea to tell me what that person been saying on social media because "it looked like it's about me". I think it wasn't. The worst part is that checking their post sent me into a very bad anxiety attack where my hands started shaking so much I nearly dropped my phone and couldn't think straight.
After telling my other friend about this he got worried and said it's very concerning I'm experiencing such extreme reactions after all this time. Is it really? Is it the unresolved past issues plus possible depression making me into a mess of a person?

 

[pole]

everyone has a different level of a certain emotional threshold. some feel more deeply than others and that's just how it is. some people are able to move in and let go of emotional attachment extremely easily over a long period of time. others including myself deal with triggers that remind us of these experiences we went through and it just breaks us again, right when we were picking ourselves up again and getting better. so no, i'm not suprised with you're reaction. it suprised you, it's something you least expected from someone who you thought so much of. betrayal.

what that other old acquintance was doing was disgusting nonetheless. you had this emotional attachment with someone, it broke and disappeared in a blink of an eye, and now that very same person is hurting you indirectly by talking about you behind you're back on social media to others. anyone would feel some type of way about that, it's terrible. it may also tie in with past issues in you're life; whether it was the difficulties with creating emotional attachments and getting close to people and forming relationships to just you're depression in general.

hope you're able to move on in life in the future and find better acquintance and form better support systems and i hope you're therapy sessions go well.

take care.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's quite possible you experienced a PTSD reaction. I hope the therapist you're going to see practices trauma-informed therapies, such as EMDR, somatic therapies, emotional freedom technique, etc. Such things greatly helped me. I personally did not find cognitive behavioral therapy or DBT to be helpful with PTSD, although studies show CBT to be effective, it wasn't for me.

 

[I_love_to_bake]

It's quite possible you experienced a PTSD reaction. I hope the therapist you're going to see practices trauma-informed therapies, such as EMDR, somatic therapies, emotional freedom technique, etc. Such things greatly helped me. I personally did not find cognitive behavioral therapy or DBT to be helpful with PTSD, although studies show CBT to be effective, it wasn't for me.

This provides hope for me. I love my therapist I think she is highly intelligent and talented... But I just feel like CBT doesn't work for me. I leave every session on the verge of madness. I relapse back into my most unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's incredibly painful. I spend the whole session trying so hard to connect... And it brings me such reality shattering despair to be incapable of connecting. She doesn't get what I mean. Nobody gets what I mean.

I'm curious to try and explore those different techniques.

 

[vrotka]

and now that very same person is hurting you indirectly by talking about you behind you're back on social media to others.

I don't think the post that my friend brought up was about me since the details of the "toxic POS" that was described didn't match me at all. Well, unless they are straight up making up facts now which I feel is too low even for them. But who knows? Either way I will stay away from checking up on them.

I will also probably need to avoid some social events where they might show up too. I really don't want to test how I will react to seeing them face to face if only a social media post stressed me out that badly.

It's quite possible you experienced a PTSD reaction. I hope the therapist you're going to see practices trauma-informed therapies, such as EMDR, somatic therapies, emotional freedom technique, etc. Such things greatly helped me. I personally did not find cognitive behavioral therapy or DBT to be helpful with PTSD, although studies show CBT to be effective, it wasn't for me.

Thanks for letting me know, I will remember to ask my therapist if these options are possible since I have already been recommended CBT at the initial assessment.