Venting Is there really a future for me?

[nattys5thtoenail]

I've been telling myself to hold off CTB'ing until I achieve all my dreams first, but there are many days where I feel like it's a waste and I should just hurry up and get on with it because I don't think they'll ever happen.

my neurodivergence literally destroyed my ability to function like a normal human being and I doubt that I'm powerful enough to even go through with these crazy dreams I have, I just hate how fucking weak and impulsive I am and how almost every goal I set just never came into fruition. I'm so envious of neurotypicals who can do whatever their heart desires with ease but even opening my laptop to finish work for my classes requires significant mental power (it's paying off though because I have basically straight A's this semester which is a rarity, so that gives me small hope)

It's so hard for me to continue everyday, each month that passes the more depressed I become. I can't stop having flashbacks to traumatic events throughout my life and I just feel so angry to the point where I feel like crying and I want to forget about the painful memories so desperately. The only thing that brings me true relief is fantasizing about killing myself and just closing my eyes forever and never having any obligations. I did just have my period a few days ago so maybe my hormones are out of wack, I really want to die so bad my existence is painful and im hurting so fucking bad.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vsry know how feel this wrld awfl time mov dtrioirt no hpn any good,ya neuro dvrg v hard no fnct all life detl, keep see trama keep see trama no time travle no any, v sry pain sffr bio body prd

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

I think it does say something to your strength and willpower that you haven't gone through with your plan to ctb and also do so well with your schooling despite how you feel. That same strength can be applied to the dreams you wish to accomplish. For me I've always struggled with completing any task I set for myself. I'll have these grand ideas/plans for a project but never make it out of the planning stage because it just gets too overwhelming. For me I think it's my ADHD I'm not sure where it could stem from for you.

Figuring out the triggers that cause you to stop these projects and how to mitigate them could be helpful. I know that's way easier said than done though.

Also I do also see the humor in suicidal people telling another suicidal person to not ctb. I'm like, light breeze away from doing it myself so I get it.

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

I think it does say something to your strength and willpower that you haven't gone through with your plan to ctb and also do so well with your schooling despite how you feel. That same strength can be applied to the dreams you wish to accomplish. For me I've always struggled with completing any task I set for myself. I'll have these grand ideas/plans for a project but never make it out of the planning stage because it just gets too overwhelming. For me I think it's my ADHD I'm not sure where it could stem from for you.

Figuring out the triggers that cause you to stop these projects and how to mitigate them could be helpful. I know that's way easier said than done though.

Also I do also see the humor in suicidal people telling another suicidal person to not ctb. I'm like, light breeze away from doing it myself so I get it.

Thank you for your kind words :) I also have ADHD, I have been trying to find the triggers and I believe it's a lack of trust in myself. I think I was just spiraling when I made this post.

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

No problem at all :). Yeah ADHD isn't the fun "omg squirrel" a lot of people seem to think it is. It can be truly debilitating. I've found meds help a little bit for me. It'll help with the concentration part I have issues with. The thing I still struggle with is pointing that focus to something useful.

I don't use this as often as I should but there is a tool I've found helpful for breaking down tasks into like, sub goals. I will say it can make things seem more overwhelming since it'll turn something like "Clean room" into a 20 step plan, but I have found that breaking it down into smaller easier to complete tasks like that can help with the dopamine release that people with ADHD struggle so much with.

The tool is: https://goblin.tools/

I've posted about it on the site before I am in no way affiliated with it just find it helpful from time to time

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

No problem at all :). Yeah ADHD isn't the fun "omg squirrel" a lot of people seem to think it is. It can be truly debilitating. I've found meds help a little bit for me. It'll help with the concentration part I have issues with. The thing I still struggle with is pointing that focus to something useful.

I don't use this as often as I should but there is a tool I've found helpful for breaking down tasks into like, sub goals. I will say it can make things seem more overwhelming since it'll turn something like "Clean room" into a 20 step plan, but I have found that breaking it down into smaller easier to complete tasks like that can help with the dopamine release that people with ADHD struggle so much with.

The tool is: https://goblin.tools/

I've posted about it on the site before I am in no way affiliated with it just find it helpful from time to time

Yeah that's true, people really don't take it seriously and think it's a "mild" problem. A lot of us are suicidal. On a side note however I strongly believe I have co morbid autism but I've decided to not go through with the diagnosis process because it wouldn't really improve my life much. I appear a lot different compared to people with standard ADHD so I feel like that's why my symptoms are so bad.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

First: if you feel you need to cry, then cry. Nothing wrong with it, you are not "weak" for doing it. Keeping things inside will only make it worse and may even blow up. Regarding your dreams, you could make a plan and break it into tasks, even if you don't follow it, you will have some idea of how you can achieve it.

About the traumatic events, I would recommend therapy but no everyone can afford/have access to it, so Im gonna say this: what happened in the past... is in the past and there's no changing it. But you can change how you act/react in the present. Some memories can be "shelved" after you learn how to let it go, and then you won't remember they frequently and won't be so hurtful when you do. I won't lie, it doesn't mean you will be "cured" of these memories, but your learn to live with it.

I hope what I said didn't sound ableist, I apologize if I gave that impression.

I wish you all the best