-nobodyknows-
Specialist
- Jun 16, 2024
- 384
I am drifting. I don't have a place that I would consider to be my home. I don't have any close friends, nor am I in a relationship with anyone. My family is okay, they are not bad people at all, but I have felt very distant from them for a long time now.
I am suicidal. I don't really have a specific reason for it. I just am, and I don't have a good way to change that. I've tried a bunch of things, like therapy and medication, but it never really went anywhere. I also tried ECT, and while that did prevent me from having suicidal thoughts, it made it hard for me to think at all, so I don't think that's something I can rely on. Drinking is kind of similar, when I get drunk I feel better (until I start puking) but it's not sustainable for the long term.
Though, there is one thing that I think would really help. You see, I always did better when I had someone in my life I could be close to, either a friend I could spend a good amount of time talking to and hanging out with, or a romantic partner. But, I'm not very good at either of those things. That stuff is like a drug to me. It makes me feel so much better when I'm around them, and when I am not things deteriorate quickly and so I become quite clingy. Naturally, people aren't too fond of that sort of desperation.
I don't know what to do. I cannot help but wonder if I am defective and should not be here. I don't bring much joy to people the way some others do. When I open up to people, I tend to just make them feel sad and worried, and I really hate that. So I feel like I should go away. I can't isolate myself, I've tried and I inevitably end up trying to make friends again, so I think the best thing to do is to just end my life.
I really wish things could be different though. I wish there was a way to tell people these things without making it seem like I'm trying to manipulate them. I really want to meet someone who is okay with that side of me, and wants to be by my side. I don't think it will happen though, so it is hard.
How do I keep going, when I don't believe things will be better? I have had people tell me that I will never escape my feelings, I am stuck like this. And people don't want to be around someone like me. So what else is there to do?
One way or another, I need this to end.
I am suicidal. I don't really have a specific reason for it. I just am, and I don't have a good way to change that. I've tried a bunch of things, like therapy and medication, but it never really went anywhere. I also tried ECT, and while that did prevent me from having suicidal thoughts, it made it hard for me to think at all, so I don't think that's something I can rely on. Drinking is kind of similar, when I get drunk I feel better (until I start puking) but it's not sustainable for the long term.
Though, there is one thing that I think would really help. You see, I always did better when I had someone in my life I could be close to, either a friend I could spend a good amount of time talking to and hanging out with, or a romantic partner. But, I'm not very good at either of those things. That stuff is like a drug to me. It makes me feel so much better when I'm around them, and when I am not things deteriorate quickly and so I become quite clingy. Naturally, people aren't too fond of that sort of desperation.
I don't know what to do. I cannot help but wonder if I am defective and should not be here. I don't bring much joy to people the way some others do. When I open up to people, I tend to just make them feel sad and worried, and I really hate that. So I feel like I should go away. I can't isolate myself, I've tried and I inevitably end up trying to make friends again, so I think the best thing to do is to just end my life.
I really wish things could be different though. I wish there was a way to tell people these things without making it seem like I'm trying to manipulate them. I really want to meet someone who is okay with that side of me, and wants to be by my side. I don't think it will happen though, so it is hard.
How do I keep going, when I don't believe things will be better? I have had people tell me that I will never escape my feelings, I am stuck like this. And people don't want to be around someone like me. So what else is there to do?
One way or another, I need this to end.