fleetingnight
cut my ties and set me free
- May 2, 2024
- 119
(New to the forum. I read the guidelines, but please let me know if I say anything I shouldn't or use any terms incorrectly. I'm sorry in advance if I do.)
I don't think so. I just barely graduated high school without giving up then. I tried going to college, but the pressure almost broke me down again, so I had to drop out. I'm trying to go back, because I have literally no choice. I'm expected to drag myself through years of that hell, then get a degree that probably won't even do me any good. Hardly matters which degree, right? Then, I have to hope that some day I can find a job, which isn't likely. I've been looking for work for maybe half a year now, and I know I don't have a degree, but I've heard they don't even matter much. I gave up on the ideal of a job I love and a nice house, I can't even dream of anything better than a job I hate and a place I can just barely manage to pay rent for. I'll have to spend the majority of my life doing some bullshit I fucking hate, because I need to or I'll die. Then in my free time, I have to act like somebody I'm not, just so that anyone will like me enough to want to hang out and not talk shit behind my back. The rest of my free time will be spent drunk and sleeping, because I won't have the time to do anything but try and recover from how awful my week was.
And that's it. That's my life, for who knows how fucking long before I can retire. I don't even imagine myself being able to retire, tbh, I think I'll probably work until the stress actually fucking kills me or I finally CTB.
This is my "bright future," but I'M the fucked up one if I say that I don't like being alive? I'M sick in the head if I think being a wageslave doesn't sound like fun? When I get so stressed that I have to drink to keep myself alive, it's not the fault of the people who drove me to drinking, it's MY fault for having emotions??
How am I expected to stay alive? Why the fuck would I want to? What is the goddamn point of any of it? Everything hurts, my past, my future, even my hopes and dreams are tainted. I don't even daydream in peace.
In theory, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this. I want to live, at least half of the time. But I'm not living right now. I could barely be classified as alive right now. This isn't living, it's just torturing myself for no reason, isn't it?
I'm sorry for this post. I'll probably do a lot of venting here. I don't honestly know what to do with myself besides scream into the void anymore. It hardly helps, but, for now, it does a little.
I don't think so. I just barely graduated high school without giving up then. I tried going to college, but the pressure almost broke me down again, so I had to drop out. I'm trying to go back, because I have literally no choice. I'm expected to drag myself through years of that hell, then get a degree that probably won't even do me any good. Hardly matters which degree, right? Then, I have to hope that some day I can find a job, which isn't likely. I've been looking for work for maybe half a year now, and I know I don't have a degree, but I've heard they don't even matter much. I gave up on the ideal of a job I love and a nice house, I can't even dream of anything better than a job I hate and a place I can just barely manage to pay rent for. I'll have to spend the majority of my life doing some bullshit I fucking hate, because I need to or I'll die. Then in my free time, I have to act like somebody I'm not, just so that anyone will like me enough to want to hang out and not talk shit behind my back. The rest of my free time will be spent drunk and sleeping, because I won't have the time to do anything but try and recover from how awful my week was.
And that's it. That's my life, for who knows how fucking long before I can retire. I don't even imagine myself being able to retire, tbh, I think I'll probably work until the stress actually fucking kills me or I finally CTB.
This is my "bright future," but I'M the fucked up one if I say that I don't like being alive? I'M sick in the head if I think being a wageslave doesn't sound like fun? When I get so stressed that I have to drink to keep myself alive, it's not the fault of the people who drove me to drinking, it's MY fault for having emotions??
How am I expected to stay alive? Why the fuck would I want to? What is the goddamn point of any of it? Everything hurts, my past, my future, even my hopes and dreams are tainted. I don't even daydream in peace.
In theory, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this. I want to live, at least half of the time. But I'm not living right now. I could barely be classified as alive right now. This isn't living, it's just torturing myself for no reason, isn't it?
I'm sorry for this post. I'll probably do a lot of venting here. I don't honestly know what to do with myself besides scream into the void anymore. It hardly helps, but, for now, it does a little.