My life is very difficult right now. I struggle even to write this here. Sometimes I think it's impressive how crippling my mental issues can become. Have you ever found an "a-ha" moment where you were absolutely certain you had to kill yourself? I don't even know if feeling so sure of your decision is possible. Even when I look at my life and all looks doomed, and it is so hard to live, I can't find it in me to be 100% certain that I want to die. I don't know why. I've been in this forum a long time and I am still here... I wish I could find some "peace" with my decision (if that is possible) to go and just through with it. What are your experiences? I am also Brazilian (in case any Brazilians are reading this and want to reply in Portuguese)
alienfreak
Member
- Sep 25, 2024
- 92
It happened to me in the past. Maybe it was the best I ever felt: all my problems dissolved and i felt a massive weight lifted because i knew i didnt have to deal with any of it. I was 100% sure. Somehow my life got better after that and i recovered, since unexpected things happened, and maybe as a result of some crazy paradox because it made me feel better. But now over half a decade later i end up back here and cant get back to that state so far. I'd guess not everyone has this experience.
pthnrdnojvsc
Extreme Pain is much worse than people know
- Aug 12, 2019
- 2,508
dazed.daydreamer
Member
- Jun 26, 2024
- 33
I've had that sense of peace in firmly deciding to CTB, once just before an attempt and another time throughout the day I planned to do so. Clearly this still wasn't enough to actually carry me through it though. The first time was in part due to a method failure, but I still could've found a way (even if more painful and violent) if I really was dead set.
heavyeyes
✿
- Oct 9, 2022
- 1,708
When I realized all my life will ever be is miserable is when I was certain. I still question my decision to leave sometimes but my mind always returns to the same conclusion. Only in death will I have my peace
coolgal82
she/her, terminally silly :3
- Sep 10, 2024
- 186
My uncertainty I think comes more from not knowing whether I have the guts to actually do it. It's on hold regardless for me until my Dad goes first. I must spend large portions of every day thinking about whether I'm ready to do it but, I suppose I won't know until the time comes.
Regarding whether to live or die though- ignoring the actual act of suicide, death makes a whole lot more sense. Life isn't exactly terrible. I've worked hard to get what I wanted in life but, it comes with its own issues. All I pretty much do is work or worry about not having work. I certainly don't hate it most of the time but, I don't love it as much as I used to.
So, it's all just a bit tedious I suppose and pointless. I'm working hard to sustain a life I don't even want and it doesn't feel practical or even that desirable anymore to try and turn it into a life I do want! I've tried to turn things around multiple times in the past with little success. So, to a larger degree, continuing to live actually feels like a pretty stupid thing to do! Things will also only get worse as I age, probably get ill and have no support. No friends or family near. Not enough finances to support me comfortably. I'm also 44 so, I feel like I've experienced most of what I want to. I feel like I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I don't think it's practically very likely for me to be happy here.
Plus, I don't believe we are capable of regretting suicide. I'm hoping that, if it's successful- that's it. I don't really believe in hell, heaven, God. It still worries me slightly that they may be real but I'm more worried about this world. Failing an attempt and the consequences of that. So, as a life or death decision, I feel like death is the right one for me. Suicide still frightens me though.
Regarding whether to live or die though- ignoring the actual act of suicide, death makes a whole lot more sense. Life isn't exactly terrible. I've worked hard to get what I wanted in life but, it comes with its own issues. All I pretty much do is work or worry about not having work. I certainly don't hate it most of the time but, I don't love it as much as I used to.
So, it's all just a bit tedious I suppose and pointless. I'm working hard to sustain a life I don't even want and it doesn't feel practical or even that desirable anymore to try and turn it into a life I do want! I've tried to turn things around multiple times in the past with little success. So, to a larger degree, continuing to live actually feels like a pretty stupid thing to do! Things will also only get worse as I age, probably get ill and have no support. No friends or family near. Not enough finances to support me comfortably. I'm also 44 so, I feel like I've experienced most of what I want to. I feel like I know what makes me happy and what doesn't. I don't think it's practically very likely for me to be happy here.
Plus, I don't believe we are capable of regretting suicide. I'm hoping that, if it's successful- that's it. I don't really believe in hell, heaven, God. It still worries me slightly that they may be real but I'm more worried about this world. Failing an attempt and the consequences of that. So, as a life or death decision, I feel like death is the right one for me. Suicide still frightens me though.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,330
For me simply just existing is enough to make me wish for death, I'd never wish to suffer in this cruel, torturous existence, personally I only hope to never exist again, I just wish for peace from the terrible cruelty and futility of existing, I never would have chosen existence or wished for it in the first place. In my case I'd always prefer to not exist no matter what, the thought of suffering for decades longer just to be tortured by old age truly terrifies me, I'd never wish for that, to me personally existence itself truly is the most horrific tragedy that just causes all this endless suffering, it's horrific to me how there is no limit as to how much one can suffer as long as they exist.
