Discussion Is the devastation from suicide really that bad?

[c824767]

I lost both parents and a significant other. My dad's death uprooted my life on a practical level as he took care of our family. My mom was utterly devastated and made constant attempts for 3 years until she was able to successfully follow my dad. With my mom's I understood and so I didn't let it get to me much. My s/o who ctb really messed with me, I didn't eat for weeks.

You must be a statistical outlier on the edge of the bell curve. I would love to read your narrative.
My friend lost her 24 yo daughter to fentanyl. She is SUFFERING.. and her daughter was an addict for 10 years so her suffering is long standing and relentless. I just want to die badly sometimes but I know it is not an easy thing to deal with for survivors.

 

[Morphinekiss]

It's been 20 years and my parents still blame themselves for my brother's suicide. They blame themselves for not picking up on his childhood molestation, they blame themselves for not making it abundantly clear they would have accepted him gay or straight, they blame themselves for not making him go to rehab/na meetings. Etc etc etc. For them it would have been easier if he'd died in a car accident or some other way, because they feel like such failures as parents. This led them to be overly involved in mine and my siblings lives.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I think there all the same but some people make it a bigger deal... Like when a older person dies they say they had a long life and accept it but if someone younger commits suicide or dies its a tradagy no matter how they died....like recently my exs sister passed she was two years old... That really sad but again imo not a huge deal because babies teens adults we all will pass and it will be sad for some at the time..... But it's life, people like to make a huge deal out of death when it something that needs to be accepted because it is part of life.....

 

[Jean4]

Sorry... You didn't offend me.
It's just emotional for me... I guess I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not going to destroy my kid's lives

When the pain gets so great that your children don't matter.... you know it's time.

 

[brokenengine]

My friend killed herself two years ago and it was horrible. When I heard that she died I knew it must be either a car accident or suicide, considering statistics for people our age. I hoped it would be an accident, because I didn't want her to have been in so much pain that she would end it. I didn't want to think about her last moments being full of the fear and pain that I had felt when I was suicidal.

Her family was devastated too. Her mom blames herself. Her younger sister pretended nothing was wrong even at the funeral. Her grandmother has become a very bitter person, blaming her mother for not doing better. Her mother and sister are the ones who found her body, her sister tried to do CPR so of course that's fucked both of them up. And I'm afraid of the ripple effect too. Statistically people who know someone who committed suicide are more likely to commit suicide themselves. So I feel like I'm basically doomed.

 

[Farmmaa]

When the pain gets so great that your children don't matter.... you know it's time.

Suicide isn't always about pain - either physical or emotional.
It can also be about hopelessness and despair.

There isn't enough pain in this universe that would ever be so great that my children wouldn't matter.

But there is loss of all hope that you will ever be anything but a burden.

 

[Jean4]

Suicide isn't always about pain - either physical or emotional.
It can also be about hopelessness and despair.

There isn't enough pain in this universe that would ever be so great that my children wouldn't matter.

But there is loss of all hope that you will ever be anything but a burden.

Hopelessness and despair causes pain. ;)

 

[Taki]

Sometimes it's more about what pain is visible or hidden. Living with someone who's suffering can be awful too. Many people avoid divorce because they think it would've devastating, but growing up with parents who hate each other is also a terrible thing. It isn't the same thing, but still to have someone in your life gradually turning into a zombie or drive to self-destructive acts is awful. No matter what the decision, the pain is already there lurking.

 

[Farmmaa]

Hopelessness and despair causes pain. ;)

Touche

 

[LMLN]

Suicide isn't always about pain - either physical or emotional.
It can also be about hopelessness and despair.

There isn't enough pain in this universe that would ever be so great that my children wouldn't matter.

But there is loss of all hope that you will ever be anything but a burden.

I would say that it's not that your children dont matter. There is just a point that despite the pain you know you will cause them, you still feel you need to leave. Does not mean you dont care or did not love them. It's that the pain is more than you can bear.
That's how I think about it with my husband. It's not that he did not love or care for me and my son, his pain was just so bad that he could not stay. I know he loved us.

 

[Littleone]

The question is Jean, would it be any less of a loss - any less painful and heartbreaking if it had been an accidental death ?

I can't answer that question because I have only lost loved ones to a terrible accident ( besides the losses to old age, which are difficult, but expected ) ... and I can't imagine that the circumstances could possibly have made this past two years any less heart wrenching and painful.
It has destroyed our family. It turned my positive, crazy, outgoing, sociable sister in law into a suicidal mess who spends her days in bed crying. She is only still here because she still has one daughter alive who needs her.

Suicide or accident... any unexpected, sudden death is extremely difficult to process.

I am worried about my kids and how they will be affected. My oldest will be angry and bitter... but she already feels that way. My middle daughter will feel like she should have done more, helped more or known how bad I really was doing because she is an ER nurse. My son and my youngest will be devastated.

I don't want to do this to them, I really don't... but I just can't continue to live in hell to save them from hurt any more.
I also want to go before my grandkids are old enough to remember me and feel the loss.

I personally know three people who ctb once their kids were older teens/young adults and their kids all turned out OK in the end... so it gives me some hope that mine will be alright too

Wow @Farmmaa, I'm so sorry for your losses and for how you're feeling. I really am.
I've recently lost my father by ctb, and it's really devastating. I do my best, but even my therapist says that sometimes you never get completely through something like this.
Reading you I can picture muy dad talking, because I've a baby, and I think that, as you, he wanted to leave before his dead could affect my son too.
On the other hand, why do you know so many people that ctb? I mean, it's not something usual. I didn't know anybody before muy dad's ctb.
Take care.

 

[Coral04_]

I guess it is just as bad, but at least people wouldn't feel like they need to get revenge on something, which could double how bad their situation is. They could be looking for reasons, traitors, and possibly turn on people depending on whatever the death was. I think it would be a lot easier for those people if they knew how and why you died, instead of feel the urge to forget themselves looking for reasons.

 

[Littleone]

My Dad killed himself in 1999... still to date the single most devastating event in my life... and I've experienced a lot of deaths in my family/friend base...
Accidental death is hard but more "acceptable to our minds" something with a reason or explainarioj persay .. I had a friend who was shot and killed by his own dad, it sucked but there was some explanation that could be understood and someone took his life so there was nothing anyone could do, family die of heart attacks suddenly— still there was a reason for heart failure ... my brother in law and my nephew (9years old) killed in car accident— an explanation—head on collision... all these deaths combined couldn't even begin to touch the pain I felt when my dad committed suicide... depression is something our minds can't accept... survivors minds can never get past the "why? What could I have done? I was never enough. I will never be enough. And the guilt for the rest of our days for not being able to save them... even if we couldn't save them.. the guilt typically can lead into them committing suicide themselves as their own punishment for not being able to save someone else.. survivors guilt... domino effect...
I would much rather my dad have made his look like an accident.. something I could explain... something I could blame it on... besides myself... so that guilt alone— is what brought me to SS... 20 years later...

Dear @LetThereBeLight, I'm so sorry for your losses. I've lost my mum, and my dad ctb a few months ago. Would you mind if I ever PM you?
Love

I'm sorry for your pain.

Accidental deaths don't always make any more sense to those left behind than death by suicide.
Nor do they leave any less guilt, pain and devastation in their wake.

We have no real explanation or reason for the accident that took my brother and 15 year old niece. Sure, accidents happen... but the hows and the whys are still as real as they were for you with your dad's death.
They were 500 yards from their own back yard. Driving the atv like they did several times a week, down a path they knew like the back of their hands. They were somehow swept into a sudden torrent of water while crossing what is basically a small creek... one that you can usually walk across. WHY ?? How ???
A heavy snowfall in the mountains they day before, but hours away from them. A sudden flash flood? A backlog of branches that let go around the corner ? We will never have answers. Ever.

Survivors guilt.. yep, we have that too.
My sister in law blames herself every minute of every day because she was supposed to be on that atv with my brother that day.
I feel guilt every day because I am still here and he's not. It should have been me.
He was, without doubt, the most incredible human that I've ever known. Everyone who met him, loved him. He had a wife and two teenaged daughters who needed him. He was successful, he was brilliant.
And here I am.. alive. Useless, depressed, so far in debt that I'll never get out, probably about two weeks away from losing my house because I won't have rent money.

Survivors guilt is not reserved for those who lose a loved one to suicide.

I agree with you.
My dad ctb because my mum died. He continuously repeated that my mother was the person who deserved it the less. Since my mum, as your brother, was a special person, everyone loved her, she was a smart, educated, well-mannered woman, unselfish, loving mother and wife.
I guess he could not bear the pain of the injustice.

 

[c824767]

It's been 20 years and my parents still blame themselves for my brother's suicide. They blame themselves for not picking up on his childhood molestation, they blame themselves for not making it abundantly clear they would have accepted him gay or straight, they blame themselves for not making him go to rehab/na meetings. Etc etc etc. For them it would have been easier if he'd died in a car accident or some other way, because they feel like such failures as parents. This led them to be overly involved in mine and my siblings lives.

sounds like they are the perfect victims..

 

[Farmmaa]

Reading you I can picture muy dad talking, because I've a baby, and I think that, as you, he wanted to leave before his dead could affect my son too.
On the other hand, why do you know so many people that ctb? I mean, it's not something usual. I didn't know anybody before muy dad's ctb.
Take care.

I actually personally know of four people.... one was the teenage son of friends, but I didn't know him personally.

The other three were all totally unrelated, except for all living in the same small, rural town.
The first was a close family friend who's second wife was leaving, he started drinking heavily and just couldn't take it all. Amazing guy.. popular, well respected in the community, great father, hard working rancher, always smiling and joking. His youngest son found him.
The second was another family friend, in a round about way. Family and business problems. She was the mother of two teenage boys. Her son found her.
The third was one of my customers... super nice guy. Ugly divorce, custody battle and financial troubles.
All four shot themselves.

 

[conveniently_dead]

I was wondering if anyone here knows someone who killed themselves and how their family reacted. Is it worse than other deaths?

Yeah, my 18 year old brother hung himself in his closet and my family found him. There's no avoiding the devastation. It's bad. I don't blame him though, he was just intelligent to see this world for what it truly is, and had the courage to overcome survival instinct.

 

[c824767]

Yeah, my 18 year old brother hung himself in his closet and my family found him. There's no avoiding the devastation. It's bad. I don't blame him though, he was just intelligent to see this world for what it truly is, and had the courage to overcome survival instinct.

Intelligence leads to substance abuse. suicide attempts and both

 

[conveniently_dead]

Intelligence leads to substance abuse. suicide attempts and both

Its true. Ignorance is truly bliss.

 

[c824767]

Its true. Ignorance is truly bliss.

The only downside of being stupid: Stupid people get angry when you call them (or anyone) stupid. I am always laughing, as if we are not all sometimes stupid.

 

[conveniently_dead]

The only downside of being stupid: Stupid people get angry when you call them (or anyone) stupid. I am always laughing, as if we are not all sometimes stupid.

Of course, we are all stupid in our own ways. That's just another motivator to ctb.

 

[LetThereBeLight]

Dear @LetThereBeLight, I'm so sorry for your losses. I've lost my mum, and my dad ctb a few months ago. Would you mind if I ever PM you?
Love

I agree with you.
My dad ctb because my mum died. He continuously repeated that my mother was the person who deserved it the less. Since my mum, as your brother, was a special person, everyone loved her, she was a smart, educated, well-mannered woman, unselfish, loving mother and wife.
I guess he could not bear the pain of the injustice.

@Littleone, please PM me any time.

 

[Moon Flower]

You must be a statistical outlier on the edge of the bell curve. I would love to read your narrative.
My friend lost her 24 yo daughter to fentanyl. She is SUFFERING.. and her daughter was an addict for 10 years so her suffering is long standing and relentless. I just want to die badly sometimes but I know it is not an easy thing to deal with for survivors.

I'd be more than happy to answer any questions, I'm actually really bad at articulating the feelings without being asked specifics