Today I woke up and felt 'okay' or indifferent/at peace with the idea of ingesting SN. I'd only had 4 hours sleep and was lying in bed feeling really calm and relaxed. I hadn't eaten for 7/8 hours and knew I had about 1-2 hours where I wouldn't be checked on by my mom. I almost never feel that sense of calmness -- usually I'm overwhelmed by terror at the notion of dying -- but presumably it's because I'd taken a small benzo dose before bed to try sleep.
That 'not caring' feeling is the same one I had when I tried to OD two weeks ago. But then as soon as I get up and drink coffee etc. and become alert/aware, the terror etc. starts to hit me again and I just feel scared and revulsion at the idea of poisoning myself, or dying at all.
So I guess it seems like there's certain conditions/mental states where I can potentially go ahead with an attempt. But I'm kind of in a hostage situation at home. And ironically it takes all this control on my part to try and seem functional and keep myself out of potentially ending up in hospital (where I would die horribly), or my family turning against me. But that's getting more and more difficult to maintain by the day, especially because I can almost no longer sleep. So when I am functional/in control, I don't want to CTB, but that's when it's ideal .. because if I become too helpless, I won't be able to.
I wish I could just disinhibit myself somehow or finally lose control. I can't even tolerate any alcohol. All the planning around SN makes me nervous too because with the fasting etc. I imagine there's this dread that will set in, knowing I've committed. And then the chaos and uncertainty of what the effect will actually be like.
I like the idea of partial because I guess it can be pulled off quickly and impulsively and it seems simple/elegant? But again I'm such an anxious and phobic person, I was getting scared even trying to locate my carotid artery. So I don't know. I guess nothing is ideal, and I really wish I had planned ahead and organized something like heroin when I was more functional and had a little money.
I feel like I'm an annoying presence on here because I'm just circling round, asking the same questions, trying to avoid CTB but that won't be possible forever.
Anyway, is there anyone here who backed out or had doubts about SN and decided on something like partial instead? Is there a way for someone with a lot of anxiety etc. to kind of familiarize themselves with it? I guess maybe subconsciously things like partial appeal to me because I know I can potentially back out, but then that also is probably counterproductive for someone who has to CTB but is so hesitant .. like SN you just drink it and game over. I really just wanna peacefully OD but seems like no matter what I'm stuck with crappy methods.
That 'not caring' feeling is the same one I had when I tried to OD two weeks ago. But then as soon as I get up and drink coffee etc. and become alert/aware, the terror etc. starts to hit me again and I just feel scared and revulsion at the idea of poisoning myself, or dying at all.
So I guess it seems like there's certain conditions/mental states where I can potentially go ahead with an attempt. But I'm kind of in a hostage situation at home. And ironically it takes all this control on my part to try and seem functional and keep myself out of potentially ending up in hospital (where I would die horribly), or my family turning against me. But that's getting more and more difficult to maintain by the day, especially because I can almost no longer sleep. So when I am functional/in control, I don't want to CTB, but that's when it's ideal .. because if I become too helpless, I won't be able to.
I wish I could just disinhibit myself somehow or finally lose control. I can't even tolerate any alcohol. All the planning around SN makes me nervous too because with the fasting etc. I imagine there's this dread that will set in, knowing I've committed. And then the chaos and uncertainty of what the effect will actually be like.
I like the idea of partial because I guess it can be pulled off quickly and impulsively and it seems simple/elegant? But again I'm such an anxious and phobic person, I was getting scared even trying to locate my carotid artery. So I don't know. I guess nothing is ideal, and I really wish I had planned ahead and organized something like heroin when I was more functional and had a little money.
I feel like I'm an annoying presence on here because I'm just circling round, asking the same questions, trying to avoid CTB but that won't be possible forever.
Anyway, is there anyone here who backed out or had doubts about SN and decided on something like partial instead? Is there a way for someone with a lot of anxiety etc. to kind of familiarize themselves with it? I guess maybe subconsciously things like partial appeal to me because I know I can potentially back out, but then that also is probably counterproductive for someone who has to CTB but is so hesitant .. like SN you just drink it and game over. I really just wanna peacefully OD but seems like no matter what I'm stuck with crappy methods.
