Help Is recovery even worth it?

[sohopelessandempty]

Has anyone here recovered? Is it worth it? I know everyone is different but I want to hear what others think. I haven't recovered yet and not sure if I ever will, so want to know if it is truly worth it. I've tried before but not enough because I'm not sure if I even want to. I change my mind a lot.

 

[U. A.]

Some previously shared thoughts:

Reframing recovery: remission (& relapse)

As a person with multiple chronic health issues which tend to come and go either in intensity or outright - literally remission and relapse - I think this is a much better way of framing suicidal ideation and its absence. TL;DR: if you stop feeling suicidal but later start again, don't feel bad...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[LancyLoew]

Some previously shared thoughts:

Reframing recovery: remission (& relapse)

As a person with multiple chronic health issues which tend to come and go either in intensity or outright - literally remission and relapse - I think this is a much better way of framing suicidal ideation and its absence. TL;DR: if you stop feeling suicidal but later start again, don't feel bad...

sanctioned-suicide.net

This is a really thought provoking post, and has provided clarity in my perspective.
I agree with what you have to say – "recovery" isn't a state to be made permanent, it's something one must continue to uphold if they want to keep living it. Much like recovery from addiction, it's not a war you can ever win – temptation will always exist – but you can work to win many days' battles and significantly reduce the effects it has on your life.

When I was at my worst, and seriously considering CTB, I decided to look for help. It takes luck, because the world does suck and fails us in many ways, but without trying, it's much less likely that your situation will improve.

In my opinion, it is worth it to at least try. You might not "fully recover", but you can have normal, even good days. You can still make good things happen to yourself and to others.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

This is a really thought provoking post, and has provided clarity in my perspective.
I agree with what you have to say – "recovery" isn't a state to be made permanent, it's something one must continue to uphold if they want to keep living it. Much like recovery from addiction, it's not a war you can ever win – temptation will always exist – but you can work to win many days' battles and significantly reduce the effects it has on your life.

When I was at my worst, and seriously considering CTB, I decided to look for help. It takes luck, because the world does suck and fails us in many ways, but without trying, it's much less likely that your situation will improve.

In my opinion, it is worth it to at least try. You might not "fully recover", but you can have normal, even good days. You can still make good things happen to yourself and to others.

I understand this but for some reason it feels worse for me to try and fail rather than to just give up. I'm tired of trying, and like you said the temptation will always be there. I don't want to live a life where suicide is always in the back of my mind. I'll never be satisfied then, if I keep craving what I don't have.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Honestly, I couldn't see how it ever could be.

I think recovery reminds us that there ARE amazing things to live for - the arts, nature, incredible moments when you travel, and beautiful objects in the world.

It also reminds us that humans are too often the source of the ignorance, hate and cruelty. So while I continue to wrap up my life, I remind myself I'm not negative, or depressed. I am a realist who sees humanity as a failed experiment.

It's not worth it unless you can find a way to survive financially on your own. Otherwise? Too many people.

 

[Yellow_Water620]

This is quite interesting. I see myself in this post. I like to think of recovery as maintaining a houseplant or brushing your teeth everyday to avoid cavities.
I mean, let's say for a moment,
"Oh fooey, I've already got cavities and besides, even if I started brushing them now my teeth are all jacked up. Another thing! It isn't worth it because in the end my teeth will fall out when im old!"
Ok, you have cavities, you take the steps to get those treated and sealed. "My teeth are still crooked!" Alright, let's wear braces. "It'll take too long! and its inconvenient!" Anything worth doing isn't going to be easy. Give it time. They're coming along aren't they? "But I will grow old.." Tooth loss is far from inevitable, keep taking care of your teeth and they'll last a lifetime.

Whether the betterment of your situation is worth the trouble w/o guarantees, only you can decide.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

This is quite interesting. I see myself in this post. I like to think of recovery as maintaining a houseplant or brushing your teeth everyday to avoid cavities.
I mean, let's say for a moment,
"Oh fooey, I've already got cavities and besides, even if I started brushing them now my teeth are all jacked up. Another thing! It isn't worth it because in the end my teeth will fall out when im old!"
Ok, you have cavities, you take the steps to get those treated and sealed. "My teeth are still crooked!" Alright, let's wear braces. "It'll take too long! and its inconvenient!" Anything worth doing isn't going to be easy. Give it time. They're coming along aren't they? "But I will grow old.." Tooth loss is far from inevitable, keep taking care of your teeth and they'll last a lifetime.

Whether the betterment of your situation is worth the trouble w/o guarantees, only you can decide.

You're right, and it's comforting in a way you see yourself in this post. This place makes me feel less alone, like people actually understand what I'm going through.

 

[shinitai_sh0jo]

As someone who has managed to recover to a considerable extent (but not completely, unfortunately), I think it's possible. It depends a lot on the individual case, the type of depression, and the state of your brain. Depression significantly affects brain chemistry, so it ends up being quite individual.

But for me, I like to think of recovery as being able to see a route on a road that was previously too foggy to see. You don't know where the road ends, but now you can see a bit of the path ahead.

 

[LancyLoew]

In the end, it's up to you; only you know your situation and what you have access to, but it is rarely "too late".
And even if you try and fail, failure isn't permanent; CTB is.

Honestly, I couldn't see how it ever could be.

I think recovery reminds us that there ARE amazing things to live for - the arts, nature, incredible moments when you travel, and beautiful objects in the world.

It also reminds us that humans are too often the source of the ignorance, hate and cruelty. So while I continue to wrap up my life, I remind myself I'm not negative, or depressed. I am a realist who sees humanity as a failed experiment.

It's not worth it unless you can find a way to survive financially on your own. Otherwise? Too many people.

I would also say that I agree with this – humanity is a failure, most people suck and it's often difficult to avoid them – but that's not all the world is.
I am aware it's easier for me to say this because my parents support me, and not everyone has that. I'm very lucky.
But you can engage with arts and nature with minimal human interaction.
I, for one, dislike the majority of people at my school, so I simply don't talk to them and distance myself; even with my classmates.
Does it make me feel lonely? Yes. Is it worse than dying? No. I can still play videogames, go skating, take my art classes and learn to create things for myself.
You might not "find the right people", but you can always hold onto the things you enjoy. I think it's more often worth it than not.

 

[YourLocalSadGirly]

I think if you're treating recovery as being 'fixed' then you should reframe how you think about it. Chances are that if you're on this forum you have some kind of long-term mental or physical illness. For the most part these things cannot be fixed. However there is merit in recovery. Feeling better feels good, speaking from experience. But realistically you'll probably end up back here again eventually. Nothing good lasts forever. So it's up to you ultimately, but I think there is merit in taking some time to try and better yourself/your situation and seeing how things end up.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

In the end, it's up to you; only you know your situation and what you have access to, but it is rarely "too late".
And even if you try and fail, failure isn't permanent; CTB is.

I would also say that I agree with this – humanity is a failure, most people suck and it's often difficult to avoid them – but that's not all the world is.
I am aware it's easier for me to say this because my parents support me, and not everyone has that. I'm very lucky.
But you can engage with arts and nature with minimal human interaction.
I, for one, dislike the majority of people at my school, so I simply don't talk to them and distance myself; even with my classmates.
Does it make me feel lonely? Yes. Is it worse than dying? No. I can still play videogames, go skating, take my art classes and learn to create things for myself.
You might not "find the right people", but you can always hold onto the things you enjoy. I think it's more often worth it than not.

I understand where you're coming from but a lot of the time failure can be permanent, especially physically due to health complications. And sometimes these literally prevent a person from trying again so I don't want to risk it at all. I also don't talk to many people at my school, and I think you're right that finding things you enjoy is what makes things worth it but sometimes I feel so hopeless nothing is enjoyable anymore. I'm glad you have parents that support you.

I think if you're treating recovery as being 'fixed' then you should reframe how you think about it. Chances are that if you're on this forum you have some kind of long-term mental or physical illness. For the most part these things cannot be fixed. However there is merit in recovery. Feeling better feels good, speaking from experience. But realistically you'll probably end up back here again eventually. Nothing good lasts forever. So it's up to you ultimately, but I think there is merit in taking some time to try and better yourself/your situation and seeing how things end up.

I've tried before even though it's not like I've tried everything under the sun. Yes this is long-term just like for many others but if people are aware of that it sucks that I'm still trapped in this suffering. I don't know what it's like to feel better anymore and after being used to this for so long, I'm not sure I really want to know. Change can be scary, even if it's sometimes good. And like you said, nothing good lasts forever. I struggle to live in the present sometimes so if I ever felt better(unlikely) I'd spend the whole time worrying about when it goes away. I'm too tired to try and improve things. It's been so long. Maybe I'll change my mind, I'm always changing my mind. But I'm not sure if I want to live a life if I know this will never truly go away.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

A lot of people have "recovered"' both in general and among the members here.

I think by nature it is " worth it" to no longer be miserable to the point of wanting to die. How can it not be, right?

The question/challenge is how or if that can be achieved.

I think the tendency is for people to naturally "recover" as a matter of course so at the very least it's worth exploring how much that holds for you.

Eliminating suicidal thoughts sometimes is an unrealistic goal so we have to learn to work around them. We all need the foundation of a worthwhile life (concrete positive things as well as something to strive for) as well as sources of self-esteem to draw on, people trying to recover from emotional problems even more so.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

A lot of people have "recovered"' both in general and among the members here.

I think by nature it is " worth it" to no longer be miserable to the point of wanting to die. How can it not be, right?

The question/challenge is how or if that can be achieved.

I think the tendency is for people to naturally "recover" as a matter of course so at the very least it's worth exploring how much that holds for you.

Eliminating suicidal thoughts sometimes is an unrealistic goal so we have to learn to work around them. We all need the foundation of a worthwhile life (concrete positive things as something to strive for) as well as sources of self-esteem to draw on, people trying to recovery from emotional problems even more so.

"The question/challenge is how or if that can be achieved" yes you're right, I guess that's what I meant by recovery being worth it. Because if you think about it literally, of course it's worth it and if you were recovered you'd obviously think that. But it's not just about that like you said, and it's so difficult and complicated to achieve and not even sure if it's possible for me. I guess no one is sure unless they try. Also very expensive if you really want to try everything, since when people talk about recovery typically it's also getting professional help. Also I agree that eliminating suicidal thoughts completely can be unrealistic, and needing the foundation of a worthwhile life. But if I'll have these thoughts forever no matter what I do, then I don't think life is worth living. That's not to say it's impossible to eliminate the thoughts, everyone is different and I only speak for myself. I just don't know if it's possible for me, and I hear a lot even from people who have "recovered" that it never fully goes away. I'm not sure if I'm okay with that outcome, and that's the most realistic one. That also brings the question: is it even possible to actually be recovered if you're on here? I am glad this section exists however I feel like if someone is still on this website, they haven't truly recovered. I know there's people here who are working towards it but I'm talking about people who already recovered. Why would anyone who's actually recovered still be on a suicide website? It's similar to how, back before I quit self-harm, I had an app to track how long I had been clean for. But I never stayed clean while I had it, and I only actually quit once I deleted it. Because why would I have it if I truly quit?

As someone who has managed to recover to a considerable extent (but not completely, unfortunately), I think it's possible. It depends a lot on the individual case, the type of depression, and the state of your brain. Depression significantly affects brain chemistry, so it ends up being quite individual.

But for me, I like to think of recovery as being able to see a route on a road that was previously too foggy to see. You don't know where the road ends, but now you can see a bit of the path ahead.

How did you at least somewhat recover? And I like your analogy, right now it feels like I can't see past the fog.

 

[Arvayn]

Why would anyone who's actually recovered still be on a suicide website?

Fully recovered person here; I have no desire to die. For me, I take it as an educational resource. I actually feel awkward being on here at times. Everybody is talking about their depression and their suicidality... meanwhile, I'm just morbidly fascinated with death. I occasionally talk about my past mental health struggles to blend in with the crowd.
Folks here are kind and compassionate, and I do my best to be helpful and give that back. It's one of the few ways I have to access discussion on such a taboo subject like suicide, which interested me even before I was depressed for the first time, and even more strongly after I got out of that.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Fully recovered person here; I have no desire to die. For me, I take it as an educational resource. I actually feel awkward being on here at times. Everybody is talking about their depression and their suicidality... meanwhile, I'm just morbidly fascinated with death. I occasionally talk about my past mental health struggles to blend in with the crowd.
Folks here are kind and compassionate, and I do my best to be helpful and give that back. It's one of the few ways I have to access discussion on such a taboo subject like suicide, which interested me even before I was depressed for the first time, and even more strongly after I got out of that.

It's cool to know there are people here who have actually recovered. After all, this is a place to talk about these things. It's ironic, I think non-suicidal people could be more understanding of suicidal people if they came here(not suggesting they should though) however usually if someone isn't suicidal they wouldn't even be on here. I'm curious though, why does death fascinate you? Is it due to all the complexities surrounding it and what happens after it and also the discussions around not just general death but suicide that are interesting? I hope it's that instead of the other thing, some people are really sick in the head to be into necrophilia.(pretty sure that's the word for it, don't wanna look it up and seem weird to whatever companies are spying on my phone).

 

[Arvayn]

It's cool to know there are people here who have actually recovered. After all, this is a place to talk about these things. It's ironic, I think non-suicidal people could be more understanding of suicidal people if they came here(not suggesting they should though) however usually if someone isn't suicidal they wouldn't even be on here. I'm curious though, why does death fascinate you? Is it due to all the complexities surrounding it and what happens after it and also the discussions around not just general death but suicide that are interesting? I hope it's that instead of the other thing, some people are really sick in the head to be into necrophilia.(pretty sure that's the word for it, don't wanna look it up and seem weird to whatever companies are spying on my phone).

Yes, that's the correct word for it.

Death fascinates me because I've always had a very strong interest in existential subjects ever since I began speaking at around 2 years old, according to my mother. My favorite question to ask was "Why?". I asked "Why?" to absolutely everything. It pissed her off.
To me, reality and existence has never quite made sense. It's so much stranger and more mysterious than people realize, or think about. Why is anything the way it is? For the longest time, all I ever researched was philosophy, psychology, history and metaphysics in an attempt to find "the truth" at all costs, because existential crises were driving me absolutely nuts to the point that I couldn't function.

Death is a huge part of that, it's one of the big mysteries. I'm not a stranger to loss. I saw many grotesque things as a child. I listened to my uncle's screaming as he burned to death in a fire. I saw my grandfather's final moments on his deathbed. A teenage girl that was my next-door neighbor committed suicide. I also grew up homeless in a very poor neighborhood after losing our home to the aforementioned fire, and witnessing violence, a mutilated animal or the odd corpse or two lying around wasn't very uncommon back then. All of this before the age of 7.
You'd think it was traumatizing, right? Well, no. It influenced me, without a doubt. But I never felt afraid or endangered, it was just another curiosity to me. My mother always explained it all to me in a very matter-of-fact manner. I was never taught to fear death or to value life; I was taught to appreciate my joys. That's how I grew up, and contrary to what pro-lifers seem to think, it did NOT make me want to die.
I also had countless near-death experiences. Drowning, falling, horrific injuries, almost getting ran over. Each time, I should have died, and I only survived by the skin of my teeth. Not to mention my more recent losses.

Death is not just a biological process to me (but I love studying that side of it too; I'm an apprentice mortician by profession). It's the great equalizer, the end of everything. Regardless of what we may do, death is always waiting for us at the end. It's been such a constant theme in my life, how can I not be compelled to swear allegiance to it?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

"The question/challenge is how or if that can be achieved" yes you're right, I guess that's what I meant by recovery being worth it. Because if you think about it literally, of course it's worth it and if you were recovered you'd obviously think that. But it's not just about that like you said, and it's so difficult and complicated to achieve and not even sure if it's possible for me. I guess no one is sure unless they try. Also very expensive if you really want to try everything, since when people talk about recovery typically it's also getting professional help. Also I agree that eliminating suicidal thoughts completely can be unrealistic, and needing the foundation of a worthwhile life. But if I'll have these thoughts forever no matter what I do, then I don't think life is worth living. That's not to say it's impossible to eliminate the thoughts, everyone is different and I only speak for myself. I just don't know if it's possible for me, and I hear a lot even from people who have "recovered" that it never fully goes away. I'm not sure if I'm okay with that outcome, and that's the most realistic one. That also brings the question: is it even possible to actually be recovered if you're on here? I am glad this section exists however I feel like if someone is still on this website, they haven't truly recovered. I know there's people here who are working towards it but I'm talking about people who already recovered. Why would anyone who's actually recovered still be on a suicide website? It's similar to how, back before I quit self-harm, I had an app to track how long I had been clean for. But I never stayed clean while I had it, and I only actually quit once I deleted it. Because why would I have it if I truly quit?

Well, some people just write "recovery" off completely from the get-go so the notion that it is a worthwhile thing is a necessary premise. Obviously believing in its possibility is important too. No one is going to be willing to put in effort for something that they don't think is viably achievable, right?

That's true about professional help. The powers that be that constantly urge that definitely don't give the financial considerations the proper weight, at least in America. You can't prescribe yourself medication but at least therapy can be supplied to some degree with self-directed work and availing yourself of a peer community.

I hear you about not wanting a life of constant torment by suicidal thoughts. I was just saying, the constant presence of them isn't by itself incompatible with living and being okay with living (for the most part) necessarily.

Well, I didn't mean to suggest that those recovered users have stuck around here. Usually they don't. As you know it's not the cheeriest place around and even with a dedicated recovery section it's not that conducive towards making recovery when you've completely decided on that. The recovery section is for more ambivalent and transitional people that is distinguished from other recovery spaces the idea that suicide isn't off the table (whereas in those other spaces of course it's seen as basically forbidden, which does not help the kind of people who end up in this site's recovery section). A small number recovered people or interested parties may stick around the site for their own specific reasons particular to them like the commenter above.

 

[nocatwaslost]

I can only agree with the notion of recovery not meaning a full absence of all symptoms and problems in comparison to for example a broken leg.
I suffer from trauma, and made a lot of progress the past years. But there are still parts I will probably never be able to resolve fully so that it will be like a person who has not suffered from traumatic events. But in a way I am also glad for who and what I have become, although I despise all the crap I had to endure. I am definitely an unique person and I love myself for who I am, what I have achieved and managed to do.