It's cool to know there are people here who have actually recovered. After all, this is a place to talk about these things. It's ironic, I think non-suicidal people could be more understanding of suicidal people if they came here(not suggesting they should though) however usually if someone isn't suicidal they wouldn't even be on here. I'm curious though, why does death fascinate you? Is it due to all the complexities surrounding it and what happens after it and also the discussions around not just general death but suicide that are interesting? I hope it's that instead of the other thing, some people are really sick in the head to be into necrophilia.(pretty sure that's the word for it, don't wanna look it up and seem weird to whatever companies are spying on my phone).
Yes, that's the correct word for it.
Death fascinates me because I've always had a very strong interest in existential subjects ever since I began speaking at around 2 years old, according to my mother. My favorite question to ask was "Why?". I asked "Why?" to absolutely everything. It pissed her off.
To me, reality and existence has never quite made sense. It's so much stranger and more mysterious than people realize, or think about. Why is anything the way it is? For the longest time, all I ever researched was philosophy, psychology, history and metaphysics in an attempt to find "the truth" at all costs, because existential crises were driving me absolutely nuts to the point that I couldn't function.
Death is a huge part of that, it's one of the big mysteries. I'm not a stranger to loss. I saw many grotesque things as a child. I listened to my uncle's screaming as he burned to death in a fire. I saw my grandfather's final moments on his deathbed. A teenage girl that was my next-door neighbor committed suicide. I also grew up homeless in a very poor neighborhood after losing our home to the aforementioned fire, and witnessing violence, a mutilated animal or the odd corpse or two lying around wasn't very uncommon back then. All of this before the age of 7.
You'd think it was traumatizing, right? Well, no. It influenced me, without a doubt. But I never felt afraid or endangered, it was just another curiosity to me. My mother always explained it all to me in a very matter-of-fact manner. I was never taught to fear death or to value life; I was taught to appreciate my joys. That's how I grew up, and contrary to what pro-lifers seem to think, it did NOT make me want to die.
I also had countless near-death experiences. Drowning, falling, horrific injuries, almost getting ran over. Each time, I should have died, and I only survived by the skin of my teeth. Not to mention my more recent losses.
Death is not just a biological process to me (but I love studying that side of it too; I'm an apprentice mortician by profession). It's the great equalizer, the end of everything. Regardless of what we may do, death is always waiting for us at the end. It's been such a constant theme in my life, how can I not be compelled to swear allegiance to it?
sanctioned-suicide.net
