reverse03
Departing. Goodbye
- Sep 11, 2022
- 153
I know I am supposed to go by this week but I am still here. Went to Niagara falls on Wednesday to jump but never expected that there are still a lot of people there even by midnight so i call it off and went home.
I am involved in a church. Doing sound tech. People always thought I am strong and nver depressed. But I have been depressed since high school (15 years old). College came I didn't have a friend for almost 1 semester, I am just a student attending classes. Always having trouble connecting to other people.
Migrated to Canada by 18 years old. No friends, no connection to other people. After 1 year being here in Canada, my grandmother died. The only person that I found a real connection and value my grandmother was the one who raised me up, I look at her as my real mother.
I attend church because of family. There I put on a mask that I am strong, independent, and can do and know all things. Never showed any weaknesses to others. But everytime I go home, I am sad, crying, questioning life, fantasizing suicide, longing for my value that I've never found.
I attended college and that is my most depressing 2 years. No friends, cannot speak to others even to my professors, I was even humiliated by my two proffesors, classmates laughed at me, judged me. I always sleep between my class, or sometimes go home. I missed most my morning class because I am afraid I will just be humiliated or judged again. I finished college thinking if I found a job I might do better.
Two years after I graduated, I have been to 5 different jobs. Not even my field, doing factory jobs, and fastfood. I got fired multiple times because I always call sick because I don't want to work. I am not lazy but I cannot work, I always lost my joy in anything.
Then time came, I met this woman, she is also inside the church. We dated but things did not turn for good. We stopped.
My depression got worse. I am having attacks. I went to doctor because I want to seek help. I was hospitalized because of my suicidal plans and thoughts. I was admitted twice.
Everyone thinks that I am only depressed because of her. I am only doing things because I want her to look at me or give me another chance. But no, I am just too tired with my life and hated myself the longest. I just never showed it to them. Every time I am not okay or be hospitalized they only think the reason is because of her.
Sorry for the long post. You can ignore it. I am planning to take SN tomorrow night. This is my final attempt and hopefully I will ctb. I just don't want that they will think again that I did it because of her. I want for then to accept that I am always been depressed and suicidal. That I am just a man that is hiding behind a mask and never showed his true self. I want to end everything by my own way. Thanks for reading.
I am involved in a church. Doing sound tech. People always thought I am strong and nver depressed. But I have been depressed since high school (15 years old). College came I didn't have a friend for almost 1 semester, I am just a student attending classes. Always having trouble connecting to other people.
Migrated to Canada by 18 years old. No friends, no connection to other people. After 1 year being here in Canada, my grandmother died. The only person that I found a real connection and value my grandmother was the one who raised me up, I look at her as my real mother.
I attend church because of family. There I put on a mask that I am strong, independent, and can do and know all things. Never showed any weaknesses to others. But everytime I go home, I am sad, crying, questioning life, fantasizing suicide, longing for my value that I've never found.
I attended college and that is my most depressing 2 years. No friends, cannot speak to others even to my professors, I was even humiliated by my two proffesors, classmates laughed at me, judged me. I always sleep between my class, or sometimes go home. I missed most my morning class because I am afraid I will just be humiliated or judged again. I finished college thinking if I found a job I might do better.
Two years after I graduated, I have been to 5 different jobs. Not even my field, doing factory jobs, and fastfood. I got fired multiple times because I always call sick because I don't want to work. I am not lazy but I cannot work, I always lost my joy in anything.
Then time came, I met this woman, she is also inside the church. We dated but things did not turn for good. We stopped.
My depression got worse. I am having attacks. I went to doctor because I want to seek help. I was hospitalized because of my suicidal plans and thoughts. I was admitted twice.
Everyone thinks that I am only depressed because of her. I am only doing things because I want her to look at me or give me another chance. But no, I am just too tired with my life and hated myself the longest. I just never showed it to them. Every time I am not okay or be hospitalized they only think the reason is because of her.
Sorry for the long post. You can ignore it. I am planning to take SN tomorrow night. This is my final attempt and hopefully I will ctb. I just don't want that they will think again that I did it because of her. I want for then to accept that I am always been depressed and suicidal. That I am just a man that is hiding behind a mask and never showed his true self. I want to end everything by my own way. Thanks for reading.
