Discussion Is it weird that I really want to do more risky things before I ctb?

[WanderingGypsy]

I have been beyond miserable for a while now, and getting closer to ctb. I've definitely been thinking more about how I'd like to do, and still working out the how. But my timeline is moving up, and I feel like right now I'm at my end.
But while I'm thinking about when I want to ctb, I also keep thinking about things I still kind of want to do. And I'm taking way more chances and not caring about the consequences as much.
One of the things I want to do before I ctb is try different drugs. I've never done anything besides pot, which is usually the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at an almost manageable level. But I kind of want to try some other things before I finally ctb. It's not like I would become addicted to anything because I'd ctb before that happened-or it would make ctb easier! It would be a way for me to escape from this awful life for a while, or help me maybe even find some short lived joy.
It's also because I'm taking way more chances and making bad decisions lately, it's like I just don't care. I've always done what I'm supposed to and always followed the rules-but where has that got me?!? I'm still so miserable and haven't had anything ever go my way. Funny thing is, since I've always been "a good girl" and haven't tried anything, I don't even know where to look or how to find anything. Which makes me kind of feel even worse, like I'm even screwing that up. It's weird to say that, but that how I feel.
I feel like I've reached my bottom and doubt I can get much lower. But a part of me wants to get lower and more rock bottom because maybe someone will reach out to help?

Has anyone else felt this way?! Wanting to do the things they've never done, even if we know they're not "good choices"?

 

[_Maya]

I have been beyond miserable for a while now, and getting closer to ctb. I've definitely been thinking more about how I'd like to do, and still working out the how. But my timeline is moving up, and I feel like right now I'm at my end.
But while I'm thinking about when I want to ctb, I also keep thinking about things I still kind of want to do. And I'm taking way more chances and not caring about the consequences as much.
One of the things I want to do before I ctb is try different drugs. I've never done anything besides pot, which is usually the only thing that helps keep my anxiety at an almost manageable level. But I kind of want to try some other things before I finally ctb. It's not like I would become addicted to anything because I'd ctb before that happened-or it would make ctb easier! It would be a way for me to escape from this awful life for a while, or help me maybe even find some short lived joy.
It's also because I'm taking way more chances and making bad decisions lately, it's like I just don't care. I've always done what I'm supposed to and always followed the rules-but where has that got me?!? I'm still so miserable and haven't had anything ever go my way. Funny thing is, since I've always been "a good girl" and haven't tried anything, I don't even know where to look or how to find anything. Which makes me kind of feel even worse, like I'm even screwing that up. It's weird to say that, but that how I feel.
I feel like I've reached my bottom and doubt I can get much lower. But a part of me wants to get lower and more rock bottom because maybe someone will reach out to help?

Has anyone else felt this way?! Wanting to do the things they've never done, even if we know they're not "good choices"?

yeah, that's understandable. You're gonna die anyways, so might as well try out some new experiences.