N
noname223
Angelic
- Aug 18, 2020
- 4,996
I had this question in mind recently. When I am around other people I am joking a lot. I think if you don't know me personally you could think I am quite an happy guy. But the hell is inside my head. It is weird I want to make other people laugh who are dealing with life way better than me. Normally I should cry my eyes out and cry about my desperation. I think there are many reasons why I don't do that. It is in our society stigmatized. I think I become more and more a resentful, bitter and innerly-alienated person. I don't want that other people notice that. I never wanted to be someone who only complains about life. Someone your friends regret to have met. Though maybe this will happen to my friends after my suicide.
I override the pain. I act as if I was a happy person with a fulfilled life for many. My close friends know my mental torture but they could not hear it anymore this is why I increased the posts in this forum. Sometimes I feel like my behavior resembled the tears of a clown. I can remember the last video footage of Chester Bennington before he ctb. He made his family laugh. Maybe he wanted to be remembered by them in this way.
There is a lot of pain inside myself and I often cope with dark humor. I have elaborated on that in several threads. It is just a weird discrepancy. I make so many jokes with people who don't know my pain. I even made a lot of jokes when I was extremely acute suicidal. It was dark humor, sarcasm and irony. I have made some witty jokes. I wanted to demonstrate with that: At least I can see through the mechanism with completely torture me and destroy myself. At least I can elaborate on that with my logic. Though of course the pain does not disappear by that. And the cherry on top of all of this cynical shit is my suicide. I see no way around it in the future.
Do you think many depressed and suicidal people override their pain by joking to other people? Sometimes it hurts to do that. On the other hand sometimes I try to believe my words and just enjoy the moment.
However I could never become a comedian. This would hurt me too much. I want that at least some people know my real struggle when I am joking with them. When they are aware about for example my suicidality I feel better about it. It is less cynical.
I override the pain. I act as if I was a happy person with a fulfilled life for many. My close friends know my mental torture but they could not hear it anymore this is why I increased the posts in this forum. Sometimes I feel like my behavior resembled the tears of a clown. I can remember the last video footage of Chester Bennington before he ctb. He made his family laugh. Maybe he wanted to be remembered by them in this way.
There is a lot of pain inside myself and I often cope with dark humor. I have elaborated on that in several threads. It is just a weird discrepancy. I make so many jokes with people who don't know my pain. I even made a lot of jokes when I was extremely acute suicidal. It was dark humor, sarcasm and irony. I have made some witty jokes. I wanted to demonstrate with that: At least I can see through the mechanism with completely torture me and destroy myself. At least I can elaborate on that with my logic. Though of course the pain does not disappear by that. And the cherry on top of all of this cynical shit is my suicide. I see no way around it in the future.
Do you think many depressed and suicidal people override their pain by joking to other people? Sometimes it hurts to do that. On the other hand sometimes I try to believe my words and just enjoy the moment.
However I could never become a comedian. This would hurt me too much. I want that at least some people know my real struggle when I am joking with them. When they are aware about for example my suicidality I feel better about it. It is less cynical.
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