Discussion Is it that you don't want to live, or don't want to be in pain?

[specklenought]

I was talking to my therapist the other day about suicidality (I've been pushing myself to be semi-honest with them) and they said something along the lines of like, "you can be suicidal because you don't want to live, and you can be suicidal because you don't want to be in pain, and sometimes it's both, but which one are you?" And I guess it's not ~that~ profound but it still made me pause. Because I think it is the pain for me, knowing that this is my life and this is how I react and that I will always feel things with such an intensity that will never be understood or felt the same. It makes life unbearable. But without that pain my life would probably be fine, which I guess it looks like to everyone else because I'll be damned if they realise lol. Anyway I thought about this community and there are so many reasons that people turn to this site, and I've been on sites like this since the early 2000s. I'm just wondering... like which one is it for you guys is it life or is it the pain of living?

 

[Tonight634]

It's the pain for me, I try to fight it but then I just get tired, rollercoaster of emotions...I don't really wanna die, but at this point I see no other way to deal with all that's been going on

 

[abandonedroses]

It is because i cannot find anything that is right in my life. So i guess it is i dont want to live

 

[NitrogenVacuum]

It's more of "I don't want to live" for me. By all means, I'm way better off now than I was 3-5 years ago yet I'm way closer to ctb'ing than ever before. I guess all the stress just kind of made me forget that (my) life isn't worth living.

 

[elfgyoza]

I think I've been both. If I was asked this sometime last year I'd probably have said I could live if I didn't have the pain. The constant emotional torture was really exhausting. But now I'm pretty much empty all the time and I just don't want to be alive, I think about what the future would be like and I don't want to be around for that

 

[Fedrea]

I was talking to my therapist the other day about suicidality (I've been pushing myself to be semi-honest with them) and they said something along the lines of like, "you can be suicidal because you don't want to live, and you can be suicidal because you don't want to be in pain, and sometimes it's both, but which one are you?" And I guess it's not ~that~ profound but it still made me pause. Because I think it is the pain for me, knowing that this is my life and this is how I react and that I will always feel things with such an intensity that will never be understood or felt the same. It makes life unbearable. But without that pain my life would probably be fine, which I guess it looks like to everyone else because I'll be damned if they realise lol. Anyway I thought about this community and there are so many reasons that people turn to this site, and I've been on sites like this since the early 2000s. I'm just wondering... like which one is it for you guys is it life or is it the pain of living?

Totally the pain! I used to like life!

 

[Lupgevif]

I don't want to live. I am also in pain, but that's not the main reason. I hate everything about this life standard humans created, and as much as I try to be as detached from it, I'll still have to work to pay bills and taxes, so there's no escape; except for trying to get out of the grid and living in the middle of some forest, but then I'd be much more lonely and the pain I feel now would be exacerbated.

 

[SelfLiberation]

It's about avoiding pain. I don't necessarily want to die per se, but I have enough of my health problems (both mental and physical) and abusive environment. If I could live, I would give it a shot, but at this point I feel like I'm merely existing. And there's big difference between living and existing.

 

[TripleA]

I dont want live.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

It's both. I don't want to live and I don't want to deal with the emotional/mental pain.

 

[DoNotLet2]

Too much pain. I dislike dying but ehhh this isn't bearable.

 

[Futile]

I would like to live a normal life, but for me it's impossible

 

[Amumu]

I don't want to be in pain. I would find life beautiful if there was no pain.

 

[Mischievous]

I've tried exposure therapy for well over 2 years for my severe panic disorder and anxiety and it helped but not nearly enough. I think I plateaued 7 months ago where I'm not feeling any more comfortable out in public. Sure it makes it look like I'm living a semi normal life but I'm in a good amount of distress whenever leaving my home. Getting up and doing things would make my life fulfilling and purposeful but at the expense of being in pain.

On the flip side I can stay home and be a complete shut in where I feel safe and not in any emotional distress. The problem is it's not fun or purposeful and even dispiriting and strips me of any dignity I have. There is no win in this. So on one side pain and distress will drive me to want to die and on the other side the mediocrity and shame will do the same.

 

[EmptyManForever]

I used to love life and live it to the fullest, until people around me destroyed and completely ruined my life,now i feel so empty and feel so handicapped, all i do is eat and sleep, nothing makes me happy anymore, what life is this? All i wish is some miracle would happen and just end my suffering, but then the only miracle that could save me is Death!

 

[lostangel]

Both as even if my pain was removed I would be stuck in the wage slave for the next 50 years.

 

[okaoki]

Pain.. nothing but pain , its been a while i don't "live", im merely existing.

 

[262653]

Def pain. I'm consturcted to avoid pain, and now I have the idea that death will free me from the pain. Wanting to die seems perfectly natural to me.

 

[Rn110bg101]

Both. My life is ridden with bad luck, trauma, mental illness and pain. I don't want either of them.

 

[ADruinedmylife]

I want to live so badly I just do not want to be in this state of complete anhedonia and removal of my sexuality antidepressants have left me in

 

[Ghost2211]

I mostly just have to die to avoid pain. If I had good health and independence I would be happy to be alive.

 

[Lilacmoon]

even without all of my problems, I still wouldn't want to live with how the world is going.

 

[HappyMstake]

Simple. I just don't want to live. Life is just exhausting and I'm done with it.

 

[Squiddy]

I'm just in a lot of emotional/mental pain and can't stand it

 

[ready 2 go]

There was a time I wanted to end it because of how much pain I was in. But I haven't felt pain that unbearable in years and I still don't want to be here. I'm exhausted and don't want my life

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I don't want to be in pain. Fuck... I am so tired

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The pain.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Definitely the pain for me, but what is life without at least a little bit of pain? Suffering and pain unfortunately is a necessary tool employed by the brain to make the good moments feel that much better. Some days the pain just gets too unbearable and for many other people it's definitely not worth living for when their life is ALL pain...

 

[okdoomer]

Pain. Though as the Buddhists say, life is suffering. But would I come to this realization if I had been well-adjusted to society, had healthy relationships, and supportive parents? Probably not.

 

[NeverGrowUp]

If I wasn't dealing with an incurable illness I'd want to live. It's just not worth the struggle to me. Best case maybe I could hold down a job, but not have a relationship. Though, what's the point to living then? Or I go on SSI if I'm lucky... then again what's the point? Life to me feels like a prison I'm forced to endure, and since we all die anyways I just want to shorten the suffering.
It's why I find it so hard to go to therapy in the US, euthanasia is never an option so it feels like I'm just wasting time.