i have this battle with guilt everyday. I love my children so much yet im struggling everyday with suicidal thoughts. I feel guilty for wanting to leave them but also guilty for staying. Cant go on much longer
A ain't gonna judge you.
All i'm gonna say is that i wish i had kids. I'm a male in his esrly forties and eventho i had the opportunity the keep a good woman with me an eventually have a family of my own, it didn't happen. I was with like 3 or 4 good women that were keepers, but i made bad decissions. My last relationship, one of the reasons it ended was because she didn't want to have more kids (she had a 20's something daughter). The ending of that relationship crushed meā¦ I was ready to settle down and felt ready to be a dad.
I always thought that being a dad would make me a stronger man, and i know that if i ever had a kid, i would give my life for them and that i would do anything to keep them safe and happy.
I feel pathetic
All i'm gonna say is that i wish i had kids. I'm a male in his esrly forties and eventho i had the opportunity the keep a good woman with me an eventually have a family of my own, it didn't happen. I was with like 3 or 4 good women that were keepers, but i made bad decissions. My last relationship, one of the reasons it ended was because she didn't want to have more kids (she had a 20's something daughter). The ending of that relationship crushed meā¦ I was ready to settle down and felt ready to be a dad.
I always thought that being a dad would make me a stronger man, and i know that if i ever had a kid, i would give my life for them and that i would do anything to keep them safe and happy.
I feel pathetic
I don't think feelings are selfish. We feel what we feel. We don't always choose what we feel and we can't always envisage what's going to happen to us in the future or, how we'll react. You must have reasons for feeling like this that likely aren't your fault.
Actions become a bit more complicated I feel. I suppose all suicides are selfish in some respect. We know what they will do to our loved ones. It does become especially tricky with dependents.
I have a bit of a biased view in truth because my Mum died when I was 3- of natural causes. So, I tend to have more understanding/ bias towards the child if I'm honest. It's hard growing up without a parent.
Do you have much support around you? Are your children very young and, are there people who would take over their care? I'm so sorry you are in this position. It has to be a complete nightmare.
Actions become a bit more complicated I feel. I suppose all suicides are selfish in some respect. We know what they will do to our loved ones. It does become especially tricky with dependents.
I have a bit of a biased view in truth because my Mum died when I was 3- of natural causes. So, I tend to have more understanding/ bias towards the child if I'm honest. It's hard growing up without a parent.
Do you have much support around you? Are your children very young and, are there people who would take over their care? I'm so sorry you are in this position. It has to be a complete nightmare.
I think the fact that you are carrying on proves that you aren't selfish. I'm glad you're aware that your children depend upon you.
Suicidal thoughts aren't the result of selfishness. They're the result of suffering and deserve a compassionate response, not a condemnatory one.
Lots of people do fail in their struggle. I think it's wrong to judge them for that, but it is a tragedy. Humans aren't perfect.
Sounds like you need a better support network. Easier said than done.
Have you thought about fostering?
Suicidal thoughts aren't the result of selfishness. They're the result of suffering and deserve a compassionate response, not a condemnatory one.
Lots of people do fail in their struggle. I think it's wrong to judge them for that, but it is a tragedy. Humans aren't perfect.
Sounds like you need a better support network. Easier said than done.
Just want to add - I hear you. That sounds really tough. I'm glad you managed to keep yourself going another three or four times.A ain't gonna judge you.
All i'm gonna say is that i wish i had kids. I'm a male in his esrly forties and eventho i had the opportunity the keep a good woman with me an eventually have a family of my own, it didn't happen. I was with like 3 or 4 good women that were keepers, but i made bad decissions. My last relationship, one of the reasons it ended was because she didn't want to have more kids (she had a 20's something daughter). The ending of that relationship crushed meā¦ I was ready to settle down and felt ready to be a dad.
I always thought that being a dad would make me a stronger man, and i know that if i ever had a kid, i would give my life for them and that i would do anything to keep them safe and happy.
I feel pathetic
Have you thought about fostering?
willow115
Member
- Oct 9, 2024
- 52
It's not selfish to want to stop the pain. It's your truth. The pressure in you is real. You probably want to be more present for your children. You want that pressure alleviated, for everyone. I think most of us consider everyone involved in our decision. We might be shortsighted on their wishes and offers to help though.
Is it selfish to do it when your children need you? That's the real question. In my opinion yes. It will change them and set them on a worse trajectory. You have to truly exhaust all options.
Is it selfish to do it when your children need you? That's the real question. In my opinion yes. It will change them and set them on a worse trajectory. You have to truly exhaust all options.
ijustwishtodie
death will be my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 4,578
Yes, it's selfish since they never asked to be born and you imposed a life on them that was just unnecessary in the first place. They never asked to be here, you brought them into existence against their consent
My oldest is 22 but i have younger ones of 9, 6 and 2. I havent seen the youngest for just over a year due to their mum playing games. The 9 and 6 year old live around the corner from me with their mum. Access is not a problem and i see them when i want. Depending on my shifts ill pick them up from school when i can and they stay with me most weekends. The 6 year old as autism and learning disabilities and is difficult to look after. I take her from her mum when i can to give her a break and she is the apple of my eye. The guilt i feel for being able to see them and not my 2 year old is unbearably crippling. When im with them suicide still dominates my thoughts, i know they will be safe with their mum but i cant face another day on this planet. I feel this constant pressure in my head, like pieces of glass with one half of it arguing with the other half. I have to put this brave face on all of the time so people dont know how im feeling. Everytime i wake up my first thought is "not another fucking day"
Those 3 or 4 women that were keepers i didn't keep, where before i realice and felt mature enough to be a dad. Super late bloomer here.
I'm not familiar with the fostering thing, if you mean like adopt, i wouldn't go for it. All and all i wanted a family of my own yk, it's shitty how things happen and how you make decisions that at the time you are like whatever, but the years go by and realize that what you did or didn't starts to have a different meaning.
No one knows your pain and suffering and that's the truth but if you can make changes, get up and rise up for your children, you should.
I'm writing this with a heavy heart as someone who also feels the same as you (the guilt) but my situation is different in that I have been neurologically injured and am living in a nightmare of chronic pain and neurological and mental torture plus extreme depression and suicidal thoughts......from a medical procedure that was supposed to help me be better for my family, but instead destroyed me from the inside out in unbelievable and rare ways. Now, I am being told that I have to live NO MATTER WHAT, no matter the amount of suffering. The truth is I WANT to live, I want my life back. But I can't have it and what I am experiencing, with no prospects for improvement, isn't livable. Unless someone has walked a mile in my shoes and can understand my pain and suffering, no one has a right to judge. I'm devastated at what this has done to my family, and what my ultimate end and the way that it will end will also. I'm ok with death at this point - I'm not ok with the trauma that this is going to bring to young ones who didn't deserve this, even less than I did.
Bottom line: If you are healthy, if you have the ability, fight hard....for them, if not for yourself!!! Do everything that you can do! I would do anything to be healthy physically and neurologically again to be able to do the job that I signed up to do when I had them.
I'm writing this with a heavy heart as someone who also feels the same as you (the guilt) but my situation is different in that I have been neurologically injured and am living in a nightmare of chronic pain and neurological and mental torture plus extreme depression and suicidal thoughts......from a medical procedure that was supposed to help me be better for my family, but instead destroyed me from the inside out in unbelievable and rare ways. Now, I am being told that I have to live NO MATTER WHAT, no matter the amount of suffering. The truth is I WANT to live, I want my life back. But I can't have it and what I am experiencing, with no prospects for improvement, isn't livable. Unless someone has walked a mile in my shoes and can understand my pain and suffering, no one has a right to judge. I'm devastated at what this has done to my family, and what my ultimate end and the way that it will end will also. I'm ok with death at this point - I'm not ok with the trauma that this is going to bring to young ones who didn't deserve this, even less than I did.
Bottom line: If you are healthy, if you have the ability, fight hard....for them, if not for yourself!!! Do everything that you can do! I would do anything to be healthy physically and neurologically again to be able to do the job that I signed up to do when I had them.
Well, are they still dependent on you? If so, then that's a bit of a quandary. I get being at your wits end. I can't judge you. So, that's going to be up to you. I personally wouldn't do it until my kids were at least old enough to take care of themselves. That's my perspective. I don't have children, so I don't know what carrying that burden is like with them. I wish you good luck and clarity on your journey.
maniac116
My own worst enemyš¹š
- Aug 10, 2024
- 599
Personally, YES, you brought those kids into the world. You need to make some good memories with your kids at least until they're moved out & on their own.
My kids were confused & upset & called me selfish in my actions when I tried
My kids were confused & upset & called me selfish in my actions when I tried
Your feelings are valid and you're not selfish for having them. For what it's worth, my dad ctb when I was a kid. There's days where his departure has deeply affected me, but in the back of my mind I know he was suffering so I don't hold it against him. I wish he was here and I had a dad. At the same time, I hope he has found peace and isn't dealing with his demons anymore. I hope you're able to pull through and feel good about life where you don't feel the need to ctb. I understand though that life can genuinely suck and can make you feel so beat down where you start to ask yourself if it's worth it. I hope in your case you do stick around, you do matter even if your mind tells you otherwise
What an incredibly toxic thing to say to someone who is really struggling!
I don't think it's selfish for anyone to feel suicidal! It's in *some* ways a really natural thing for someone to feel, when you encounter real adversity and pain in your life.
I'm not a parent, and cannot comment on the experience of being a parent. But I would say that if one of my parents was suicidal I would come at that from the perspective that it's really sad that they feel that way, not wanting to make them feel bad about it.
I don't know your situation but I hope that you are able to find some support for yourself in what you are going through. Sometimes with help things can get better. What I hope more than anything is that you will find a way to be ok. Maybe this forum is not really the best place in the world to get real emotional support, though I understand that sometimes people need places that they can openly talk about feeling suicidal without other people automatically thinking of trying to do anything they can to stop them.
Wishing you the best with everything x
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NegevChina
Student
- Sep 5, 2024
- 134
I also have children. The youngest is 20 yo. They have a good mother, my wife. I've been loving and supporting all my life. The guilt is destroying me. But I have one side of me saying that by staying I'm causing more damage then If I ceased to exist. Though the problem with the way I CTB is how to avoid trauma for them. What ever I do is going to be hard for them.
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,509
This is the only right answer.
Privately fantasizing about non-existence from time to time and actual suicidal ideation are kind of 2 separate things. IMO, the latter is NOT ok after you have brought human life into this world.
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Woahā¦ I am starting to get a sense that this forum is actually, like, a super toxic place
Seeing this and comments on other threads
I'm actually pretty concerned since we have some people in pretty vulnerable situations on here
!!!
Emeralds
Member
- Aug 29, 2024
- 90
This argument isn't logical. It's not possible for someone who doesn't exsist yet to give their consent. Someone would have to exsist and have reached the age of reason before they can give their consent to anything. If it were possible ask someone, most people would consent. They wouldn't have any reason not to since they haven't experienced anything bad yet.
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ijustwishtodie
death will be my ultimate bliss
- Oct 29, 2023
- 4,578
This is precisely why consent is being violated here since they didn't exist yet and couldn't consent. In your attempt to try and disprove what I said, you instead just reiterated my argument
It's life that's toxic, not this forum. All we're doing here is being the messenger. You should shoot the message rather than the messenger
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,509
Well, what is really more toxic in this specific case of vulnerability? Even remotely condoning the notion that it's ok to abandon a child, or encouraging one to suck it up and find a way to adhere to the responsibilities of another human life that one has voluntarily brought upon oneself?
Leiot
Coming back as a cat
- Oct 2, 2024
- 197
Being told you're selfish is just more of that guilt-trip crap they throw at us. You're not selfish - you're hurting and looking for a way to end your suffering. The fact that you're concerned about your kids says a lot. If you were truly selfish they wouldn't matter.
I'd suggest that if you're struggling with the idea suicide then it's not time. Get some help if you can.
I'd suggest that if you're struggling with the idea suicide then it's not time. Get some help if you can.
Emeralds
Member
- Aug 29, 2024
- 90
I'm not trying to disprove what you are saying. I'm just stating a fact. It's impossible for someone doesn't exist yet to consent to anything. It doesn't mean that they shouldn't have been born. Thats why people say life is a gift. You are here whether you asked to be or not. Someone doesn't have to give their consent in order to make the most of their life.
You are assuming that most people would say no if they were asked if they want to be born. I doubt that would be the case. Most people would consent to being born. They wouldn't have a reason to say no since they don't have any life experience yet to go on. Most people still see life as a good thing and are glad to be here despite facing hardships in life. It wouldn't be any different for those who aren't born yet.
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,509
So what happens before they "have reached the age of reason"?
Exactly...parents make decisions based on their behalf. And if one knows that one has a hard life and knows that the probability of their children having a hard life is high, then one should be making the moral decision to not have children. And if one decides to have children despite this fact, then they need to suck it up and grind to stay alive for their children no matter what.
Well in my answer to you i said i wasn't gonna judge and just onto sharing something about me.
But, regardless, i would like to point out that in this place there a lot of people, and i noticed in mu little here, that have been through very traumatizing experiences, many relate to abuses, neglection and so on, so probably some of them might find the subject of parenting super triggering. And in my opinion is that they might seem toxic, but deep down inside are just in extreme pain. Idk.
Like i said myself, i wouldn't dare to judge you, mental illness is hard. But then again i had two loving and caring parents, and my childhood was ok.
I hope you feel better and not worse. Good morning to you.
Edit: i thought that the post that i quoted was from OP, sorry it was early and was still waking up. Nonetheless, my thoughts remain the same.
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It's not selfish and the thoughts of leaving them are torture while the thought of staying if you aren't capable of providing for them or being the kind of dad you want to be or they deserve is also torture. So it is a no win situation.
Ok I have one last thing to say about this and after that I am only going to engage with OP if OP chooses to engage with me
The idea that suicide is selfish is an age old and really harmful ideaā¦ people who are suicidal are most often responding to a lot of distress in their own life and not wanting to live with that any more. Which by the way absolutely anyone can feel, including parents, because *surprising I know* parents are people too.
Feeling suicidal in this sense has nothing to do with not caring about the people in your life and in my experience the people who feel like this worry about them tooā¦. It's just that they are going through a lot and don't want to go through it anymore.
That's a pretty horrible situation for anyone to be facing, in a way especially for parents because of their caring responsibilities and how that complicates things, and puts additional pressure on the situation.
I've known that situation in my own life before where it can feel like there is no way out, not even the ultimate act of ending your own life, because of the knock on effects it could have on the people left behind. It's horrible, people facing this deserve care.
I'm kind of amazed that considering that that's the kind of situation we're dealing with people seem happy to post semi aggressive responses saying that the OP and other folks in their situation should feel guilty for even choosing to have kids in the first place!? What is that!?
Just a failure of basic empathy and compassion folks is all it is. You're like not seeing that you have a person in front of you with real problems and who might actually be badly affected by what you're saying.
Like for all you know you could be talking to someone who is very actively suicidal on here! There are lots of people who are! And the things you say to them could have a big impact on the decisions that they make.
Alsoā¦ like it really comes across like some folks on here just really want to air their grievances and frustrations about how shitty they feel about their own life (all this parents should feel bad about having kids at all stuff)ā¦.
Has it ever occurred to you that dumping those grievances on someone who is very actively in distress and feeling suicidal, and being semi aggressive with them about it is like actually very toxic!?
They are not the cause of it responsible for your problems folks. Just other people also going through shitty times trying to make do and look for help. If you're only response to that is treat them and their issues as a flashpoint for your own frustrations in life, and mess with how their feeling on that basis the person her who is being selfish is you not them.
EvisceratedJester
|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
- Oct 21, 2023
- 3,295
I'm sorry, but if you are going to have children then you are obligated to put up with said suffering until they are independent adults. When you decide to become a parent, you are basically living for your children not for yourself. Some people aren't going to show as much compassion because they are focusing on how the children, the ones forced into existence, are potentially going to be impacted by this. The minute someone decides that they are going to ctb despite having children who rely on them is the minute that my empathy and compassion for them goes away. You don't get to make an incredibly selfish decision and then just bail when you feel like it. Have you ever thought about the potential impact this could have on their kids? We aren't talking about a bunch of adults who should already have the coping mechanisms in place to handle this. We are talking about the kids they have, ages 2 to 9, who are still going through major stages in their development. If a parent wants to ctb after their kids have all grown up then I respect that decision, but prioritizing your suffering over the potential suffering of your young children is just cruel.
You are 100% correct on this. People on here throw out blanket statements, not fully knowing the circumstances. It's what is done in real life. What if this was a guy who was tortured by severe and unrelenting insomnia, only getting 2 hours of sleep at night....for months or years on end? Do you all know and understand what this is like? Most can't go 2 nights without sleep without losing it. What if this man was suffering unbearable physical torture?
Some people on here are making me sick with their horrendous judgement of others, making absolute statements. OP wouldn't be asking the question if he didn't already feel horrible about his situation and what it may do. We all understand the serious implications to children when a parent dies or ends their lives. Those babies don't deserve that, it's true. But unbearable shit happens in life. Shit that no one could possibly anticipate or expect or imagine and that's the fucking point. If we could all have crystal balls in our lives, it would be easier in some ways, huh? But the point is that we don't. Some of you all have zero zero compassion for the suffering person when they are parents. If you can't be nice in your comments and say things in a way that isn't so judgemental on your high horse, how about you just don't fucking say anything?
willow115
Member
- Oct 9, 2024
- 52
Yea, sometimes things need to be said straight and to the point.
MatrixPrisoner
Enlightened
- Jul 8, 2023
- 1,509
OP asked a question that I would think he/she wants an honest answer to from everyone. What am I missing
I'm sorry but there is no way to sugarcoat the fact that once you have made the deision to have children, your will to stay alive is non-negotiable. Coddling in this scenario is more likely to make it seem to OP that it's even remotely OK and a disservice to OP's children. And it's seems a little ironic and hypocritical that you would use "be nice in your comments" and the word "fucking" in the same sentence.
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