V
Volomori83
Haunted by the ghosts of the past
- Jul 9, 2018
- 126
I've been active on this site for quite a while now and it has been a truly eye-opening experience. I've read many posts of people sharing their stories of what has brought them to this crossroads in their lives, and it got me to thinking just about why I've decided to end my life.
Most stories from others on here tend to involve a combination of physical or mental torment, upended lives, broken hearts etc. and it occurred to me that I don't seem to fit in to any of those brackets, but still my determination is still there; I want to die and I want to be the one to do it.
I've had a good life in my three (and some) decades. I've always been surrounded by loving family and friends. I enjoyed the surprises life had to throw at me (and still do) and I've never been particularly unhappy. Yes there've been downs in my life, tragedies and losses, but not any more than the average person. So what is it in me that has followed this path? Why am I so determined to die? The truth is, I don't know.
My waking day is consumed by my plans to self-terminate. I drive past wooded areas on my way to work and think "that looks like a good place to hang myself". I hear of people who have passed at their own doing and instead of feeling sad for them, I feel envious, I wonder how they did and whether their is something I could emulate.
I don't consider myself mentally ill but wanting to die can't be the will of someone who isn't surely? I don't feel depressed or eternally sad, but still suicide is always at the top of my mind. I read stories of people who delay death in order to try to attain something, aspire to something. For me there is nothing I want. I don't feel I've been dealt a bad hand in life but the idea of the continuation of my life is still near abhorrent to me.
So I put it to you good people I've come to know on here, why do you think someone like me could be so hellbent on dying? I don't feel irrational or unhinged. In fact I've always prided myself on being completely rational and pragmatic in every other aspect of my life. Can it be that I am being irrational on this? Am I being selfish in my desire to die? Is it actually possible to be healthy mentally and still be suicidal?
Nothing said following this is going to deter me from my goal, I'm simply curious what you all think about the points I've raised. If nothing else it may stir up a healthy discussion which may help others in a similar mindset to mine moving forward.
Most stories from others on here tend to involve a combination of physical or mental torment, upended lives, broken hearts etc. and it occurred to me that I don't seem to fit in to any of those brackets, but still my determination is still there; I want to die and I want to be the one to do it.
I've had a good life in my three (and some) decades. I've always been surrounded by loving family and friends. I enjoyed the surprises life had to throw at me (and still do) and I've never been particularly unhappy. Yes there've been downs in my life, tragedies and losses, but not any more than the average person. So what is it in me that has followed this path? Why am I so determined to die? The truth is, I don't know.
My waking day is consumed by my plans to self-terminate. I drive past wooded areas on my way to work and think "that looks like a good place to hang myself". I hear of people who have passed at their own doing and instead of feeling sad for them, I feel envious, I wonder how they did and whether their is something I could emulate.
I don't consider myself mentally ill but wanting to die can't be the will of someone who isn't surely? I don't feel depressed or eternally sad, but still suicide is always at the top of my mind. I read stories of people who delay death in order to try to attain something, aspire to something. For me there is nothing I want. I don't feel I've been dealt a bad hand in life but the idea of the continuation of my life is still near abhorrent to me.
So I put it to you good people I've come to know on here, why do you think someone like me could be so hellbent on dying? I don't feel irrational or unhinged. In fact I've always prided myself on being completely rational and pragmatic in every other aspect of my life. Can it be that I am being irrational on this? Am I being selfish in my desire to die? Is it actually possible to be healthy mentally and still be suicidal?
Nothing said following this is going to deter me from my goal, I'm simply curious what you all think about the points I've raised. If nothing else it may stir up a healthy discussion which may help others in a similar mindset to mine moving forward.