Is it possible to avoid funerals?

[isam]

My question is maybe a bit weird as i will be dead, but when it will be done, my last wish would be to have no ceremony and funerals in my name.

I always have been alone, and it's not when I'm dead that i want people be all here for me.

I want to be dead and be alone in death for good.

I already planned to left a note saying I don't want it, but I guess it's inevitable, right?

 

[mathieu]

I think if your family are really determined to have some sort of ceremony for you, there's not a lot you could do to stop them. Even if you didn't have an actual funeral they could still hold a memorial service without your body.

 

[isam]

I think if your family are really determined to have some sort of ceremony for you, there's not a lot you could do to stop them. Even if you didn't have an actual funeral they could still hold a memorial service without your body.

Yeah.. and it would be quite disrespectful for me.. Is that selfish?

 

[mathieu]

Yeah.. and it would be quite disrespectful for me.. Is that selfish?

I'm not sure I'd call it selfish. It's understandable not to want a funeral. I would prefer mine be like an old fashioned catholic service where they don't do much eulogizing or talking about the person, just a whole lot of praying. I'm not proud of the disaster my life turned out to be or the pile of garbage I am, as a person, and I don't want a pathetic, embarrassing run down of all the failure and misery. Just thinking of them struggling to find good things to say makes me cringe.

 

[isam]

I would just my body be found, police declare that's a suicide, and then everybody home and just continue their life like nothing happened.

I know they would find many good things to say, but it would be too late to say it, to realize what they will potentially miss when it will be over.

I needed it when i was alive and alone in the dark. Now I'll be in the dark for good and in peace, i just want some tranquility.

 

[mathieu]

I needed it when i was alive and alone in the dark.

I can totally relate to that. My siblings and cousins don't keep in touch, don't even invite me to their birthday parties. They are just happy to get together once a year at christmas, even if we hung out a lot more in the past. Yet when I die they will probably cry like we were close.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Honestly, I'd just like them to do whatever they need to to cope, even if they hate me for it, since they are the ones who have to go on living.

This even raises some interesting questions; for example, how careful should you be about hinting at your current mental state? Because any hint you (accidentally ?) drop they will possibly remember and it will be a source of possible guilt for not having intervened. One could even pretend to do really good before attempting to make it easier for them afterwards or write a "fake" letter which makes it look like you went totally insane.

Are you an atheist or do you believe in an afterlife? Because from a materialist perspective I can't really see the problem.

 

[isam]

I can totally relate to that. My siblings and cousins don't keep in touch, don't even invite me to their birthday parties. They are just happy to get together once a year at christmas, even if we hung out a lot more in the past. Yet when I die they will probably cry like we were close.

That's what disgusts me the most. "oh you're all here for me guys crying on my dead body, but where were you when i needed you??"

Honestly, I'd just like them to do whatever they need to to cope, even if they hate me for it, since they are the ones who have to go on living.

This even raises some interesting questions; for example, how careful should you be about hinting at your current mental state? Because any hint you (accidentally ?) drop they will possibly remember and it will be a source of possible guilt for not having intervened. One could even pretend to do really good before attempting to make it easier for them afterwards or write a "fake" letter which makes it look like you went totally insane.

Are you an atheist or do you believe in an afterlife? Because from a materialist perspective I can't really see the problem.

I already did an attempt once. Went twice in psy hosp. They know how unstable i am. But I don't have any answer or reactions when i send signals. It's too late now.

I don't even ask for an afterlife. I want an end. I want to close my eyes and nothing anymore. The deepest sleep ever. Without any nightmare. Without any dream.

 

[Tearygirl]

That's what disgusts me the most. "oh you're all here for me guys crying on my dead body, but where were you when i needed you??"

I already did an attempt once. Went twice in psy hosp. They know how unstable i am. But I don't have any answer or reactions when i send signals. It's too late now.

I don't even ask for an afterlife. I want an end. I want to close my eyes and nothing anymore. The deepest sleep ever. Without any nightmare. Without any dream.

I don't want any funeral too. They didn't love me enough when I am still alive. I feel disgusted thinking about my funeral after death. They will pretend that they loved me. And yes, I also want eternal sleep, and never awake.

 

[Ironweed]

Yeah.. and it would be quite disrespectful for me.. Is that selfish?

Why do you care? You'll be gone. To my way of thinking being beyond such concerns is kind of the whole point. So while I don't think it is necessarily selfish, I guess I just don't get it.

As far as I'm concerned once I'm dead they can dress my corpse up Weekend at Bernie's style and do whatever it is whoever has it wants. No longer my problem.

edit: reminds me of this story from Plutarch.

from MORALIA: THE WOMEN OF MILETUS
Once upon a time a dire and strange trouble took possession of the young women in Miletus for some unknown cause. The most popular conjecture was that the air had acquired a distracting and infectious constitution, and that this operated to produce in them an alteration and derangement of mind. At any rate, a yearning for death and an insane impulse toward hanging suddenly fell upon all of them, and many managed to steal away and hang themselves. Arguments and tears of parents and comforting words of friends availed nothing, but they circumvented every device and cunning effort of their watchers in making away with themselves. The malady seemed to be of divine origin and beyond human help, until, on the advice of a man of sense, an ordinance was proposed that the women who hanged themselves should be carried naked through the market-place to their burial. And when this ordinance was passed it not only checked, but stopped completely, the young women from killing themselves. Plainly a high testimony to natural goodness and to virtue is the desire to guard against ill repute, and the fact that the women who had no deterrent sense of shame when facing the most terrible of all things in the world, death and pain, yet could not abide nor bear the thought of disgrace which would come after death.

IDGAF, personally. At least as far as carrying my naked corpse through the streets, or whatever the modern equivalent might be. Go for it. 'Course the corpse of an obese middle-aged white man with excessive body hair might traumatize the audience of such a spectacle more than it would do anything else. But it wouldn't be my decision, and it would be done without my input.

 

[isam]

I don't want any funeral too. They didn't love me enough when I am still alive. I feel disgusted thinking about my funeral after death. They will pretend that they loved me. And yes, I also want eternal sleep, and never awake.

Let's do one between us in the other world !

Why do you care? You'll be gone. To my way of thinking being beyond such concerns is kind of the whole point. So while I don't think it is necessarily selfish, I guess I just don't get it.

As far as I'm concerned once I'm dead they can dress my corpse up Weekend at Bernie's style and do whatever it is whoever has it wants. No longer my problem.

edit: reminds me of this story from Plutarch.



IDGAF, personally. At least as far as carrying my naked corpse through the streets, or whatever the modern equivalent might be. Go for it. 'Course the corpse of an obese middle-aged white man with excessive body hair might traumatize the audience of such a spectacle more than it would do anything else. But it wouldn't be my decision, and it would be done without my input.

Yeah I know i shouldn't care. But that is also a reason i want to go : stop overthink. I overthink for absoluetly EVERYTHING. Wich day should i ctb and at wich time, what will think and do the guy i love, will my friend do what he's supposed to, what should i do with all the drug i have left, what should i do for my last moments, will i be find late but not too late either, will i really find someone to fuck as i would like too without beeing used as a piece of meat, etc etc etc, over and over, non-stop.
I WANT TO STOP MY HEAD.

 

[oopswronglife]

My will has an entry saying no funerals or ceremonies, but I've seen people ignore the dead's wishes and do whatever they want so I am not holding my breath, or rather won't have to as I will be dead. Best you can do is write it down in a legal document and hope at least someone speaks up and enforces it.

About the "why do you care" question...the people who ignored me in life and treated me poorly have no right to use my body as a focal point for attention and sympathy they will soak up in their narcissism, and they have no right to spend my tiny estate, that's meant to be left for helping others, whilst doing it with overpriced profit gouging boxes and silly church drama. Why? Because "fuck them" that's why.

 

[Jean4]

Yeah.. and it would be quite disrespectful for me.. Is that selfish?

No. It is not disrespectful. You can write your wishes. It would be up to your family to honor them. They chose to follow your wishes, or do what they want. So ultimately, it is on them.

 

[isam]

No. It is not disrespectful. You can write your wishes. It would be up to your family to honor them. They chose to follow your wishes, or do what they want. So ultimately, it is on them.

I mean it would be disrespectful from them to not honor my last wish, which is to not see them on my dead body. It will destroy them for sure. But I'll be dead..
I really wonder what they would do..

 

[Jean4]

I mean it would be disrespectful from them to not honor my last wish, which is to not see them on my dead body. It will destroy them for sure. But I'll be dead..
I really wonder what they would do..

I think it depends on your family. For some, seeing you may help with closure.

 

[isam]

Yeah idk. And i will never know anyways.
I should just stop overthink about that..

 

[waterbottleman]

In my suicide note I'm going to tell my parents to not have a funeral for me.

It's to protect them from the realization of just how unpopular and unloved I really was throughout my life. I know if I were to have a funeral one of two scenarios would happen, either no one would show up for it except my family, or other people would show up but not because they genuinely care or even liked me at all but because they feel a social obligation to.

I'm going to instead tell my parents to burn my body and do whatever they want with the ashes. If they feel more comfortable keeping my ashes that is fine, or if they want to scatter them somewhere that is fine to.

 

[isam]

In my suicide note I'm going to tell my parents to not have a funeral for me.

It's to protect them from the realization of just how unpopular and unloved I really was throughout my life. I know if I were to have a funeral one of two scenarios would happen, either no one would show up for it except my family, or other people would show up but not because they genuinely care or even liked me at all but because they feel a social obligation to.

I'm going to instead tell my parents to burn my body and do whatever they want with the ashes. If they feel more comfortable keeping my ashes that is fine, or if they want to scatter them somewhere that is fine to.

Yeah I see. I don't want a ceremony because I kinda reject them now. That maybe sounds rough and awful but..

For the body, It seems that in France, an authopsy is always made to confirm a suicide. And then the body is given back to familly. Idk what happens next. But well, it will not really be my concern ^^"

 

[Manja]

I'm really considering going somewhere deep in the woods to ctb instead of hotel bc of all that funeral business...

 

[Ghosted]

I paid for my cremation and nothing more. If the people in my life need to do something then they can pay for it.

It's not selfish, it's economics. Money that's spent on a funeral would be better spent on the mortgage or home improvements.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I am explicitly leaving it in my note that I want no funeral and no published obituary. I know I'll be dead and not aware but having people who never gave a shit about me show up at my funeral to show ego stroking fake sympathy and their names published in my obituary still upsets me to think about. They should have cared when I was alive because they knew good and well there were things they could have done. Then I see it from the perspective of my mom who did all she could for me and she might want a small gathering to help her heal. So I see both sides.

 

[mediocre]

Like others have said unless you have a will that stipulates you don't want a memorial service it's really up to your family. I don't have one but my family knows I don't want to be on display at a wake or have a big funeral. Though they could change their mind once I'm dead. I don't really trust them to respect my wishes. I wish I knew how to do a will but unfortunately I need help and can't do it myself... I still plan on leaving a note saying that I don't want a memorial but this could very well be ignored...

 

[Tearygirl]

I paid for my cremation and nothing more. If the people in my life need to do something then they can pay for it.

It's not selfish, it's economics. Money that's spent on a funeral would be better spent on the mortgage or home improvements.

I have no money to pay for cremation, and I don't want my family involved to this. I don't know what to do...

 

[jgm63]

I have no money to pay for cremation, and I don't want my family involved to this. I don't know what to do...

If your family refuse to pay anything then I assume the government would just dispose of the body (but you should do some research to check that applies for your country)
Could you leave a note for your family telling them that that is your preference and wish ?

e.g. writing something like :
"I do not wish for you to incur any expense. Please therefore do not arrange any type of service or burial for me, and please decline any request for any payment related to such things. The government can therefore simply dispose of my body."


Note : As always, please note that I strongly encourage you to seek help with whatever is troubling you. With the right help things can improve. There are many sources of help if you look and reach out. Please seek assistance in any and every way possible. You alone must decide upon your actions and take full responsibility for them, and you should always favour seeking help and keeping out of harm's way.

 

[BlueWidow]

I paid for my cremation and nothing more. If the people in my life need to do something then they can pay for it.

It's not selfish, it's economics. Money that's spent on a funeral would be better spent on the mortgage or home improvements.

I agree. I've asked to not have money wasted on a funeral for me, and I've done exactly what you did. I paid for a cremation, nothing more. If they want to waste their money beyond that, fine by me, I won't be there to experience it.

 

[ThatIsTheQuestion]

It depends on your age and where you live.

If you're under 18, you're not protected by the same laws as adults. You also shouldn't be here. If you're 18 or older and live in the USA (and probably many other places), odds are good your state allows you to write a living will/advance directive that includes your wishes for your body. You can probably find a blank form online, and you should give copies of the completed and notarized form to your doctor(s).

There's no guarantee. If nothing else, your family can get together and toast your memory at the local pool hall after you're gone (my choice for a funeral, especially if someone starts a fight). But it never hurts to have it in writing. And even if they ignore your wishes, well, gone is gone.