Venting Is it normal to feel like you're at your lowest, when from an outside POV you've improved a lot?

[reze99]

Hi everyone, this is my first post so I'm not sure if this is worthy of its own thread, but I wanted to talk to other people and ask if it's normal/expected to feel this way.

The past 5 years of my life I have struggled really intensely with SI, thought about CTB pretty much every moment of the day when my brain was idle and not focused on some immediate task. I wasn't taking care of myself or my body, which only made the bad feelings worse.

Since October-ish I had an epiphany (that was a result of several different things), and decided to turn over a new leaf. Started going outside for walks every day (I was agoraphobic/a shut-in for a long time), joined a gym, started reading again, eating properly, stopped smoking, started learning a new language as a hobby. I have a lot more motivation to do things during the day, whereas before I'd only want to play videogames for like 10-12 hours a day, smoke a lot and eat junk food.

From an outside POV everyone was happy and relieved to see this "transformation". My therapist says it's like he's talking to a completely different person. I feel very proud for making progress so quickly, and it felt like my SI completely vanished.

Three days ago, I was lying in bed when I suddenly thought really intensely about CTB. I started thinking that if this is as good as it gets, that my life is pathetic and I might as well just go through it anyway. That even when I was trying my best that it was still too late, that I'll never be enough compared to other people my age I've known throughout my life. I'm still really lonely, I don't have any friends where I currently live, and I don't know how to interact with people here. Which makes me feel worse, because I see both offline and online what being "normal" is like, and how far away I am from reaching a fraction of that. I thought this SI would go away after a day, but three days later and I still wake up feeling that same despair. It's really messed with my motivation to do things, even though I'm at an objectively good point in my life, I've never wanted to CTB as much as I currently do right now.

I've talked to my Mum and therapist about it, and they both expressed confusion as to why I'd feel this way. My Mum says she doesn't understand why I want to CTB so badly when things are going so well for me. I feel like I've relapsed in a way, even though I don't want to go back to the lifestyle I was living before. I want to stick it out and hope these feelings go away.

I'm just wondering if anyone feels or has felt the same way. When you experience a period of growth/improvement but still feel like there's something fundamentally broken with your life that can never be fixed in a way that will satisfy you. What can I do to get back on the right track and feel that spark of hope again?

Again, this is my first post so apologies in advance if I used the wrong terminology or overshared in any way.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

When you experience a period of growth/improvement but still feel like there's something fundamentally broken with your life that can never be fixed in a way that will satisfy you. What can I do to get back on the right track and feel that spark of hope again?

Welcome to SS!

Do you know what is "fundamentally broken in your life and cannot be fixed"? I think this is the key to the answer if you know what it is.

 

[reze99]

Welcome to SS!

Do you know what is "fundamentally broken in your life and cannot be fixed"? I think this is the key to the answer if you know what it is.

Thank you

I feel like what's "broken" is my inability to connect with other people. I feel like an alien and a freak in any environment I'm in. Even if I try my best to mask and fit in, people will notice something is off in my face, body language or in my manner of speaking. Culturally speaking, I also feel very isolated. I was born and raised in Brazil which is known for its "warm", extroverted people, but I am very different. Moreover, my Dad comes from England where the people are generally known for being the opposite (at least here, that's how BRs see them) and I didn't grow up speaking Portuguese at home. I also pretty much exclusively read and consume media in English. So there are a lot of universal experiences and cultural references for BR people that I never got to experience first-hand. People have been very quick to judge me because of that in the past. Not being able to fully express myself can also be very frustrating. I feel like I'm funnier and more likeable when speaking English. I tried living in England for 7 years from when I was 18-25, where I studied university, but I felt even more out of place having never lived there and do not wish to go back for multiple reasons. I want to give Brazil another chance, but feeling like a complete foreigner in a country you were born and lived most of your life in is very disorienting. It feels like no matter how I present myself, people think I'm odd and don't want to associate with me. As a result I don't have any friends, and it seems like most social groups here are people who have known each other since high school (a very lonely period of my life). That's distressing to me because a lot of people online when I do research on the topic express similar frustration with not being able to make new friends as an adult outside of school. So I feel like no matter where I go, I'll always feel like a stranger and never fully integrate and be comfortable in my own skin. It's an incredibly specific set of circumstances that most (understandably) cannot really relate to, so I always feel awkward describing it...

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's indeed very complex. I'm sorry.