reze99
New Member
- Dec 7, 2025
- 2
Hi everyone, this is my first post so I'm not sure if this is worthy of its own thread, but I wanted to talk to other people and ask if it's normal/expected to feel this way.
The past 5 years of my life I have struggled really intensely with SI, thought about CTB pretty much every moment of the day when my brain was idle and not focused on some immediate task. I wasn't taking care of myself or my body, which only made the bad feelings worse.
Since October-ish I had an epiphany (that was a result of several different things), and decided to turn over a new leaf. Started going outside for walks every day (I was agoraphobic/a shut-in for a long time), joined a gym, started reading again, eating properly, stopped smoking, started learning a new language as a hobby. I have a lot more motivation to do things during the day, whereas before I'd only want to play videogames for like 10-12 hours a day, smoke a lot and eat junk food.
From an outside POV everyone was happy and relieved to see this "transformation". My therapist says it's like he's talking to a completely different person. I feel very proud for making progress so quickly, and it felt like my SI completely vanished.
Three days ago, I was lying in bed when I suddenly thought really intensely about CTB. I started thinking that if this is as good as it gets, that my life is pathetic and I might as well just go through it anyway. That even when I was trying my best that it was still too late, that I'll never be enough compared to other people my age I've known throughout my life. I'm still really lonely, I don't have any friends where I currently live, and I don't know how to interact with people here. Which makes me feel worse, because I see both offline and online what being "normal" is like, and how far away I am from reaching a fraction of that. I thought this SI would go away after a day, but three days later and I still wake up feeling that same despair. It's really messed with my motivation to do things, even though I'm at an objectively good point in my life, I've never wanted to CTB as much as I currently do right now.
I've talked to my Mum and therapist about it, and they both expressed confusion as to why I'd feel this way. My Mum says she doesn't understand why I want to CTB so badly when things are going so well for me. I feel like I've relapsed in a way, even though I don't want to go back to the lifestyle I was living before. I want to stick it out and hope these feelings go away.
I'm just wondering if anyone feels or has felt the same way. When you experience a period of growth/improvement but still feel like there's something fundamentally broken with your life that can never be fixed in a way that will satisfy you. What can I do to get back on the right track and feel that spark of hope again?
Again, this is my first post so apologies in advance if I used the wrong terminology or overshared in any way.
The past 5 years of my life I have struggled really intensely with SI, thought about CTB pretty much every moment of the day when my brain was idle and not focused on some immediate task. I wasn't taking care of myself or my body, which only made the bad feelings worse.
Since October-ish I had an epiphany (that was a result of several different things), and decided to turn over a new leaf. Started going outside for walks every day (I was agoraphobic/a shut-in for a long time), joined a gym, started reading again, eating properly, stopped smoking, started learning a new language as a hobby. I have a lot more motivation to do things during the day, whereas before I'd only want to play videogames for like 10-12 hours a day, smoke a lot and eat junk food.
From an outside POV everyone was happy and relieved to see this "transformation". My therapist says it's like he's talking to a completely different person. I feel very proud for making progress so quickly, and it felt like my SI completely vanished.
Three days ago, I was lying in bed when I suddenly thought really intensely about CTB. I started thinking that if this is as good as it gets, that my life is pathetic and I might as well just go through it anyway. That even when I was trying my best that it was still too late, that I'll never be enough compared to other people my age I've known throughout my life. I'm still really lonely, I don't have any friends where I currently live, and I don't know how to interact with people here. Which makes me feel worse, because I see both offline and online what being "normal" is like, and how far away I am from reaching a fraction of that. I thought this SI would go away after a day, but three days later and I still wake up feeling that same despair. It's really messed with my motivation to do things, even though I'm at an objectively good point in my life, I've never wanted to CTB as much as I currently do right now.
I've talked to my Mum and therapist about it, and they both expressed confusion as to why I'd feel this way. My Mum says she doesn't understand why I want to CTB so badly when things are going so well for me. I feel like I've relapsed in a way, even though I don't want to go back to the lifestyle I was living before. I want to stick it out and hope these feelings go away.
I'm just wondering if anyone feels or has felt the same way. When you experience a period of growth/improvement but still feel like there's something fundamentally broken with your life that can never be fixed in a way that will satisfy you. What can I do to get back on the right track and feel that spark of hope again?
Again, this is my first post so apologies in advance if I used the wrong terminology or overshared in any way.
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