Venting is it easier to push everyone away?

[gloomie]

i can't do anything right anymore. it's so overwhelming to feel like the world cursed you to be chained to your emotions for as long as you live. nothing helps me escape. nothing fixes me. i am still the same person i always will be. i know i'm a terrible person and i know the people in my life would be better without the burden of me on their shoulders. i have wanted to ctb for awhile, but always been ridden with guilt on how it will affect those in my life. is it easier to push everyone away? is it easier to destroy every relationship i have until it is no longer salvageable in any way? would it be easier for them to forgive me that way? i feel so selfish and disgusting. i try so hard to battle everything inside my head for everyone else but i don't know how much longer i can do it. i don't deserve anybody

 

[BoneWeary57]

I'm sorry your are having such a tough time..your thoughts..what you wrote definitely sound like the "voices" of depression. As someone who struggles with suicidal ideations AND someone who has lost someone I loved deeply to suicide I can tell you that forgiving him for taking his life never entered my mind. I was angry about the situation, not at him. I didn't view his choice to end his life as selfish, I viewed it for what it was..desperation to end the pain/guilt/shame and all the other negative shit he felt for a very, very long time. I was, and am, angry, that he suffered as he did and felt suicide was the only out for him. BUT, I do wonder if he, would've been able to live a good life IF he had sought help, maybe medication/therapy (because yes, those do work for the majority of people) because that is one thing he did not do was seek help. So those of us who loved him and still love him wonder often if he had just reached out for help, would we still see his face? Hear is laugh? It would be a brighter world for us if we coud.

So I will say this to you, if you haven't reached out to for help, please do. Even if you don't feel you can tell your family or friends as it sounds like there are people who care for you, would miss you and trying to battle depression and all the other things knocking around in your head is too much for you right now. That is understandable. You are NOT selfish or digusting. You are hurting and your ability to cope is being challenged by your ability to manage your emotions right now. Thinks of a two sides scale, if the weight is too heavy on one side there is no balance, if the weight is basically even then the scales are perfectly aligned. Your emotions and misplaced anger at yourself is causing an imbalance. Please don't make a rash decision during this time.

I hope you will give yourself a chance. You deserve it.

 

[-Link-]

You say you're a terrible person and then in the next sentence say that you're continuing on living to keep others from the pain of losing you.

Do you realize how much strength, love, and compassion it takes to keep on living for the sake of other people?

Give yourself a little bit of credit here!

I would suggest instead of pushing everyone away (which, to address your actual question, I think would just make things harder for you), that you pull them in closer. Sometimes, just being around other people and talking to them can act as a natural mood booster. Who is making you feel guilty about the idea of CTB? Pick one of those people, and just have a conversation with them. It doesn't have to be about mental health. It doesn't have to be about you at all. Just ask them how their day is going, what they've been up to, what movies or shows they've watched lately -- whatever topic that'll get them talking about themselves. This sort of thing is obviously not a cure, but it can act as a pick-me-up, even if only temporarily.

 

[L9 CHOCOSYRUP]

i can't do anything right anymore. it's so overwhelming to feel like the world cursed you to be chained to your emotions for as long as you live. nothing helps me escape. nothing fixes me. i am still the same person i always will be. i know i'm a terrible person and i know the people in my life would be better without the burden of me on their shoulders. i have wanted to ctb for awhile, but always been ridden with guilt on how it will affect those in my life. is it easier to push everyone away? is it easier to destroy every relationship i have until it is no longer salvageable in any way? would it be easier for them to forgive me that way? i feel so selfish and disgusting. i try so hard to battle everything inside my head for everyone else but i don't know how much longer i can do it. i don't deserve anybody

been through the exact same shit. personally i just tried to ignore the negativity around me until eventually the people who didnt like me just didnt interact with me, found new friends after a while then everything was fine. hope you manage alright

 

[SpamMusubi]

Been having similar thoughts in a hypothetical CTB. I weigh my options and think to myself. Choice A: To be close with loved ones leaves them good memories to remember you by, but makes it that much harder to see you go. Choice B: Pushing them away would potentially make your absence easier to come to terms with. What's the morally correct choice?

Recently I've compared to other scenarios where someone knows their time is up. When someone is on their deathbed or living their last days due to fatal disease, they almost always choose to spend their last moments with loved ones. I guess you can say the situations are different because the cause of death isn't self imposed and people can see it coming. But lately I've been leaning towards choice A.

 

[Ash]

Pushing people away is rarely helpful. Take ot from someone who has done that and now wonders where everyone has gone - and has discovered that it has become a seemingly unbreakable habit whenever things get tough.

0/10 do not recommend

 

[Davey40210]

Pushing people away is rarely helpful. Take ot from someone who has done that and now wonders where everyone has gone - and has discovered that it has become a seemingly unbreakable habit whenever things get tough.

0/10 do not recommend

Same here. Cherish the people that really love you. If you take if too far they wont be there anymore.

 

[SteamaHorns]

i can't do anything right anymore. it's so overwhelming to feel like the world cursed you to be chained to your emotions for as long as you live. nothing helps me escape. nothing fixes me. i am still the same person i always will be. i know i'm a terrible person and i know the people in my life would be better without the burden of me on their shoulders. i have wanted to ctb for awhile, but always been ridden with guilt on how it will affect those in my life. is it easier to push everyone away? is it easier to destroy every relationship i have until it is no longer salvageable in any way? would it be easier for them to forgive me that way? i feel so selfish and disgusting. i try so hard to battle everything inside my head for everyone else but i don't know how much longer i can do it. i don't deserve anybody

I ghosted all of my closest friends in hopes that they would eventually move on and forget about me so that they would be able to more easily recover emotionally, if they ever found out that I was no longer around. After some time, I found out that they didn't fully move on and one of them had somehow rationalized my disappearance as being their fault which screwed them up.

I can't really tell you whether or not pushing people away will result in a greater preservation of their emotional states yet, but I can say that I regret not stringing along a better plan to maximize their well-beings. Another important thing is that pushing people away and purposefully destroying the way people see and feel about you will pretty much always result in a far more difficult path. I get that you want to try and make people not care about your death but the amount of work and emotional pain that it entails, along with the possibility that it could end up hurting those people you care about even more, make it a far riskier and unreliable path to go down.

 

[Trav1989]

i can't do anything right anymore. it's so overwhelming to feel like the world cursed you to be chained to your emotions for as long as you live. nothing helps me escape. nothing fixes me. i am still the same person i always will be. i know i'm a terrible person and i know the people in my life would be better without the burden of me on their shoulders. i have wanted to ctb for awhile, but always been ridden with guilt on how it will affect those in my life. is it easier to push everyone away? is it easier to destroy every relationship i have until it is no longer salvageable in any way? would it be easier for them to forgive me that way? i feel so selfish and disgusting. i try so hard to battle everything inside my head for everyone else but i don't know how much longer i can do it. i don't deserve anybody

In my honest opinion it doesn't matter much. As humans our life expectancies aren't intolerably long to begin with and lifestyle choices can affect them greatly so I suggest being selfish for once because you didn't choose to be born in the first place and you have body autonomy.