Discussion Is having kids the best thing ever or a selfless act of charity?

[emptinessdancing]

Haha! I actually LOVE this post. I offer a third point to ponder:
Not everyone who HAS kids, ever wanted them. Before you come at me, let me just say-- yes there are those that truly never wanted them, and it shows.

I have a daughter. I had her when I was 18 years old. Not my choice.

It WAS my choice, however. whether I wanted to "keep" her or not. and after much back and forth I could not go forward with the abortion. No shade for anyone that chose the opposite. Promise. I had the appointment. I cancelled it. But... again, I had the appointment. That already means I see you.

But from that point forward, I was Her Mother. It became my whole identity, and that served us both, until it didn't.

It wasn't until much later in her life that I realized ADOPTION was also an option. However, I was a baby having a baby and I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. I digress...

Now, we have both (my daughter and I) lived to tell about it. And I can say without question, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I know she feels so incredibly loved and supported and empowered, which is all I have ever wanted and knew I could give her beyond a shadow of a doubt. Yes, I am here on SaSu like you, so that presents a whole other slew of layers and questions we aren't talking about right now, but I am guessing you can imagine... this isn't the time or place.

Anyway, I find your post thought provoking and almost envious. Should I have had the choice, I wonder which camp I would have been in almost 2 decades ago? I won't even pretend to know. I just wanted to weigh in for whatever its worth!

 

[Apathy79]

This one actually cost me a marriage and life together with someone I loved deeply so it's something I've thought a lot about.

It seems to me many fathers and almost all mothers agree that having a child was the best thing they ever did. And I suspect that has a lot to do with knowing their purpose in life, and putting someone else's life before their own. I agree with what you are saying that logically if it is the best thing, then the alternative can't be selfish, if anything it is selfless because it is depriving yourself of the best thing. Except that the person making that decision doesn't know it is the best thing, and can't know until it happens, so the motivation behind it is seen as looking after themselves rather than taking the responsibility for raising another at the expense of your own comfort and pursuits.

Logically incoherent on one level, but I get it.

Personally I couldn't do it. And the reasons for that were almost certainly selfish. I like my sleep. I like my free time. I don't like the sound of baby's crying. I don't want to spend my entire life between work and raising kids. Frankly I don't see the upside. I don't particularly enjoy being around my relative's kids, even for short periods, and definitely for long periods. I like the idea of the connection later in life, but it seems like a monstrous sacrifice for a small amount of time then. Yet my fiancé wanted kids deeply. She couldn't imagine her life any other way. And for that reason we ultimately had to go separate ways.

Now I don't know where that leaves you. I will say almost everyone I know has kids, and I've never heard a single one say they regretted it overall. So while the reasons may make sense before having one, they might not hold as much water after. Maybe there is something in that connection that dwarfs all the concerns and makes them insignificant by comparison. It hasn't swayed me personally, I even made a huge sacrifice to avoid it, but maybe I'm blocked by my own selfishness? Either way, it's probably the biggest decision you'll ever make, and both options are huge gambles.

 

[derpyderpins]

@emptinessdancing @Apathy79

I appreciate you both telling me about your personal experiences. It's really helpful.

 

[Aergia]

I wanted to mention this in my original response but forgot, but the later responses reminded me. Actually having and raising kids would trigger parental instincts, result in emotional investment, etc. and those things would make the experience a lot more pleasant than you might be able to anticipate now, and (crucially) make you a lot more willing/desirous of making the sacrifices you'll need to make. By which I mean, things that feel like drawbacks now will quite possibly feel (relatively) insignificant after you have kids. (I know I might sound clinical here but it is the best way I can think to put it.) Again, this is just going off the many testaments of parents/pronatalists.

 

[derpyderpins]

I wanted to mention this in my original response but forgot, but the later responses reminded me. Actually having and raising kids would trigger parental instincts, result in emotional investment, etc. and those things would make the experience a lot more pleasant than you might be able to anticipate now, and (crucially) make you a lot more willing/desirous of making the sacrifices you'll need to make. By which I mean, things that feel like drawbacks now will quite possibly feel (relatively) insignificant after you have kids. (I know I might sound clinical here but it is the best way I can think to put it.) Again, this is just going off the many testaments of parents/pronatalists.

That is definitely the pitch, and it does seem like anecdotes pretty heavily favor that eventually happening, where it clicks and something in you changes.

It's terrifying to me to rely on that. It seems like people who say that may also say "if I didn't have a job I'd go crazy from boredom!" I don't tend to have the usual human reaction in situations.

The sacrifices also aren't too much the issue so much as energy. I have no problem with the idea of changing a diaper and I can be very patient with crying (although I might need earplugs due to sound sensitivity, I feel like it's natural for babies to cry because life sucks lol so I don't get frustrated with them.) I'm generally really good with kids when I babysit, at all ages. Kids are innocent and untainted, it can be great to talk to them about life and hear their raw thoughts. To me it's the running out of fuel. I feel like I'm running on fumes living a normal life. I make it in to work, do a couple hours of actual work, and I'm otherwise exhausted. We've been having fun with friends the last few nights and when we were alone last night my mask fell because I was just completely drained even from doing things I really like. There just aren't enough hours.

You hear about mothers who do amazing things to protect their babies like fight off animals they normally shouldn't be able to, and I do think that bond with your child probably can give you some inexplicable spark, but I'm afraid to gamble on it being enough.

 

[Blue Dream]

No matter how polished your arguments are it won't change the fact it's a personal experience and the outcome depends on so many factors that trying to choose from what is basically a false binary is just too reductionist to be useful .

 

[Aergia]

It's terrifying to me to rely on that. It seems like people who say that may also say "if I didn't have a job I'd go crazy from boredom!"

I do agree here, though I might be biased.

I should've clarified I was referring largely to the energy and time when I said sacrifices. It does seem that having kids inspires new energy/life. But I agree that it's also worth considering whether you would react like others in such a situation, and whether that would be "enough" as you say.