is every suicidal person happy around their time?

[ctbcat]

you hear stories of suicidal people being so happy around their death... and yet, i'm quite literally a day away from my date today, and i've done nothing but show fragments of how miserable i am this week...

it's not like i'm not happy to die. in fact, i can't wait... to no longer have responsibility, expectations, all things the human vessel demands once you grow up... but

i guess it's all just daunting. i want to die NOW. each second i'm alive is a constant reminder. and... because i'll be dead soon, i keep on... considering giving up my social standards and yelling at strangers who annoy me, embracing all the conflict i avoided my entire life, and yet i don't, too focused on decision making to actually do anything. i want to be mean. i want to piss on the world that fucked me over so bad, even if maybe the individuals themselves don't deserve it, just for the sheer catharsis of it.

life is so fucking agonising... oh, i want to be dead... i want someplace other than this empty hole...

as a sidenote, anyway... considering my misery, i've been thinking of those comments some make, like... 'how could you not expect it?' and things like that. i wonder if someone will say that about me. it's a bullshit argument. it's within human nature to assume best intentions unless explicit. nobody wants to think their sibling, friend, child is going to die. but... i'm so obvious, you know? these days, anyway. i wonder if regret will come from it. it's not like i don't try to hide, try to keep bubbly and hyper and whatever else is fueled by my excessive use of upper substances. it just slips, here and there. a comment i shouldn't make. it's not anyone in my life's fault they didn't do anything, didn't press. i would've pushed them away anyway.

... sorry, this is really scatterbrained. i'm just everywhere mentally hahaha


are all suicidal people similar? are we all just a clump of telltale signs? ... i don't know if i 'should' be this way or that way.

 

[FuneralCry]

Maybe it just depends on the individual, we cannot truly understand how other people experience existence after all. But I know I'd be relieved if I knew that soon enough I'd be free from this dreadful and undesirable existence, existing has only ever caused me to suffer.

 

[AkaRed]

No you're right I am the same. I have been nothing but so blatantly miserable, distant and cold recently. I have had people ask if I'm okay, but they'll shrug it off without a second thought as long as I say I'm fine.

I think I literally brought this up a few days ago, where you always see those mental health posts or videos like: "this is what depression can look like" and it's all smiles and happy faces before cutting to the inevitable demise.

But what about people like us who just— aren't like that?

I honestly can't wait either and I'll be looking into more resources today but to tell you the truth I am awful at hiding things about how I'm feeling.
I make comments too, I become colder and less receptive to humour, I don't have it in me to even deal with people's attempts to make me laugh. It's all blank to me.
Inside, I actually kind of hate them all.
They're all so normal. And they all have so much that I would literally commit several crimes to have.

But instead, I'm here. Ready to CTB because there's nothing left.

It's going to be really annoyingly ironic if anyone says they 'had no idea'.
Thinking about those sorts of reactions makes me want to write a few spiteful last words to make sure that they know they were actually complicit.

<3

 

[Forveleth]

You should be you. There's no requirement for how you should feel. Not everyone feels "happy" right before suicide. Plenty of people don't show signs either as lots of family members/friends say they had no idea someone was suicidal.

 

[DizzyFolfy]

Everybody's their own unique journey. And sure, if you look broad enough, there may be patterns, but don't let this make you feel less like an individual. There's no need to feel like you have to fit into a box, especially when the time is nearing.
People have shown happiness, sadness, something in between, or something else, or nothing at all on their last moments.
I think it's just whatever makes you feel like yourself.

I've been thinking about those comments that people will make too... it sucks, but hey, at least I won't be around to hear it, right?

Sorry to hear your bus is on its way soon, I can only wish you the very best and a lovely journey, wherever it takes you~

 

[momento.mori]

I've had several attempts, most of them I was estatic and extremely happy I was leaving for good. My last attempt everything I ignored was so beautiful, the sky was beautiful, the birds were chirping, I remember the smell of fresh grass cut and it was a beautiful and warm day, I'll never forget it. Of course I woke up mad, very angry and just cried. A few attempts I felt sad and alone and cried after a bottled pills. I think every attempt is different. I think it's most important to be a peace with your decision. Hope that helps.