I guess 'traumatized' is accurate but who ain't? (Or doesn't claim to be these days) Fact is, it all is transactional. Maybe you don't see that, because you aren't attuned to it, or your brain's wired you just don't see it or somehthin', but all these nice words we have are all artifical concepts invented to keep the world semi-stable and under control. Most humans do interact on a transactional basis they just don't realize it, because they're rigidly socialized from birth with these very specific concepts designed to keep them docile even when their biological needs aren't being met and never will be.
My so-called 'personality disorder' you have armchair diagnosed me with is simply the inevitable result of being at the bottom of the current artificially enforced social hierarchy and not having enough stake or pragmatic incentive within "society" to pretend these ideas feel real. I know they ring hollow to others too, but only sometimes and not constantly. They still have partners, children to activate those happy chemicals that distract from seeing things clearly.
And from this over-socialized viewpoint, an outlook like mine seems like mental illness if you're a psych major with dollar signs in their beady little dead eyes or someone dumb enough to think those people have a clue, or a cry for what will only ever be lazy profit-motivated psychological 'help' that will never fill the horrible screaming void of never having your true needs met and still being expected to function as if they are, or ever will be.
I understand life perfectly clear and the only mentally ill thing about me is expecting the other mice to come up with responses that are even interesting enough to stimulate me for the moment, let alone fill the void of real love and affection to motivate me towards a more socially acceptable unwanted underclass slave mindset. I know all these words are fake and worthless, and im perfectly fine with the world being what the losers might whine is "cold" or "horrible". My problem is, I wasn't born in the time or place or with the right appearance to pass crucial social milestones, or get to experience any kind of real bond or taste of what life, other's people, "love" supposedly offers that's worth getting out of bed for every morning.
There's no pragmatic incentive to concern myself with what you and other well fed mice deem significant, I just honestly don't believe a maid cares that much when they have to clean up blood and dookie besides "gee this smells bad" or "I wish I had a better job".
True story, I stepped over a squashed-flat stupid granny to buy cough syrup to get high off in a Walgreens parking lot one time, and I could barely play along with drooling clerk mumbling what I'm sure he thought was very poetic or whatever, for some stranger, who got to live in a way better easier time than either of us before she didn't pay attention to the truck backing over her oblivious little existence and I didn't even have the energy to pretend with him since obviously I was sober since I dragged my ass there at all.
But if i had actually had a good day, maybe I'd have the energy to play the game and pretend, because it feels "good" when your needs are met and seems like what you're supposed to do and say cause everyone else is and they all clap or cry or whatever.
But it's nothing. But you won't see that because you clearly have other things going for you or are just desperate to prove you are whatever is arbitrarily deemed 'good' or 'caring' at the moment wherever you live on this stupid planet. But I don't care. And don't feel how you think I'm supposed to even when you play stern dad like you were taught, and only respond at all because I'm bored and drunk and have no one else to vomit over. This thread shouldn't even logically exist on a forum like this, it's ridiculous.
