i'm a trans man living in a country where it's not really nice to be trans at.
i mean, i guess no one would throw rocks or put me to jail. but there are limitations. expectations. i used to be so afraid that taking off my hijab would make me unemployed. i took it off anyway, and i got a job that pays kinda...mediocre. it should be enough if i only use the money to take care of myself. i take care of my whole family. they don't know i'm trans and i don't think i'm brave enough to come out to them. they're kinda very religious.
i'm not religious. used to be. but there is still parts of me that wonder if killing myself would damn me to hell. i'm still in this weird limbo where im not religious but there is still parts of me that wonder "what if" and trying to play things safe. on top of it all, my cat died today.
i don't really feel like writing all the contexts of my suffering. sometimes i just wonder if me continuing to live is just prolonging my suffering. my cat died so suddenly. he was fine this morning. he tried to lick me, a lot, and i pushed him away because i was running late. if i had known it was the last time i would see him alive i would've hugged him longer. he was seizing and foaming at the mouth--actually can anyone tell me if it's rabies or not. he really was fine in the morning. he died around 2 pm, my mom sent me a video. he was eating and drinking. NOT drooling. not aggressive. not vaccinated yet. i guess in the last few days he'd been a little sleepier than usual, but other than that he was fine. i asked the vet here but apparently we are too much in buttfuck nowhere and they can't do an autopsy to figure out if it was rabies. and my insurance doesn't cover rabies vaccination, which is ridiculous. he had bitten my mom (playfully) yesterday. i guess i just have a lot on my mind right now. usually i don't think about suicide, i can just put it aside, shove it inside a box. today i told a bunch of my friends that my cat died and they all just...ghosted me, i guess. except for the polite messages of "i'm sorry for your loss". one of them actually left me on read, replied 3 hours later with "i don't know what to say" and i said, well, you could've NOT ghosted me and she just told me her phone battery had ran out. like it was so hard to type "sorry, i'll get back to you later my phone is dying" and then at night after i saw my cat, dead in his cage, she just told me she's tired of dealing with the world right now to sort of brush me off. i really want to hear that somehow this is all gonna be worth it in the end but no one knows me here. not for the lack of trying. i came out to my friends and they all said yeah of course i support you but eventually they'd just...put it aside. deadname me. call me ma'am. i know this is all probably gonna sound ridiculous all laid out like that, and i am rambling. i'm just tired right now. today has been an awful day.
i mean, i guess no one would throw rocks or put me to jail. but there are limitations. expectations. i used to be so afraid that taking off my hijab would make me unemployed. i took it off anyway, and i got a job that pays kinda...mediocre. it should be enough if i only use the money to take care of myself. i take care of my whole family. they don't know i'm trans and i don't think i'm brave enough to come out to them. they're kinda very religious.
i'm not religious. used to be. but there is still parts of me that wonder if killing myself would damn me to hell. i'm still in this weird limbo where im not religious but there is still parts of me that wonder "what if" and trying to play things safe. on top of it all, my cat died today.
i don't really feel like writing all the contexts of my suffering. sometimes i just wonder if me continuing to live is just prolonging my suffering. my cat died so suddenly. he was fine this morning. he tried to lick me, a lot, and i pushed him away because i was running late. if i had known it was the last time i would see him alive i would've hugged him longer. he was seizing and foaming at the mouth--actually can anyone tell me if it's rabies or not. he really was fine in the morning. he died around 2 pm, my mom sent me a video. he was eating and drinking. NOT drooling. not aggressive. not vaccinated yet. i guess in the last few days he'd been a little sleepier than usual, but other than that he was fine. i asked the vet here but apparently we are too much in buttfuck nowhere and they can't do an autopsy to figure out if it was rabies. and my insurance doesn't cover rabies vaccination, which is ridiculous. he had bitten my mom (playfully) yesterday. i guess i just have a lot on my mind right now. usually i don't think about suicide, i can just put it aside, shove it inside a box. today i told a bunch of my friends that my cat died and they all just...ghosted me, i guess. except for the polite messages of "i'm sorry for your loss". one of them actually left me on read, replied 3 hours later with "i don't know what to say" and i said, well, you could've NOT ghosted me and she just told me her phone battery had ran out. like it was so hard to type "sorry, i'll get back to you later my phone is dying" and then at night after i saw my cat, dead in his cage, she just told me she's tired of dealing with the world right now to sort of brush me off. i really want to hear that somehow this is all gonna be worth it in the end but no one knows me here. not for the lack of trying. i came out to my friends and they all said yeah of course i support you but eventually they'd just...put it aside. deadname me. call me ma'am. i know this is all probably gonna sound ridiculous all laid out like that, and i am rambling. i'm just tired right now. today has been an awful day.
