My first attempt at suicide was at 4 years old. I tried with my dad's shotgun pointed at my face. I heard a very loud NO!!! all around me and it scared me into dropping the gun. There was no one there. I was home alone. I hadn't heard of suicide at that age but something inside me was aware I'd be in danger by staying here.
My entire family on both sides is abusive. I grew up with normalized incest, devout Christianity, and parents who clearly never wanted me. I was never able to escape the abuse because I became disabled from a neurological disorder when in my 20s. From the onset, lost my ability to walk, and needed a lot of assistance I didn't receive. I'm in my 40s now and I'm still considered lazy for not being able to work (bc other disabled people can so why can't I?) and verbal abuse is the only kind of interaction my family offers.
I have an older brother who's a murderous sociopath who used to torture me whenever he was stressed when I was young. My dad has said he never wanted kids & blames my mom for creating us. He's resented me from the moment I started to become a young woman (11 yrs old). I told my mom when I was very young that she should've aborted me & my brother cuz she seems to hate the typical responsibilities of motherhood. Things other moms do: hugs, encouragement, taking pride in their accomplishments. She seems to hate me for existing especially now that I'm disabled.
I'll never really understand unconditional love, as I've never seen it before. I'm certain I would want to be alive if I had any love in my life. I only know what it is to be told I am worthless.