Is anyone here because of grief due to bereavement?

[invalidrev]

the title says it all

 

[WallowingWillow]

the title says it all

Ultimately, yes I'm here because of grief due to bereavement. It's spiraled into other reasons as of late, but it all started with a monumental loss in my life that ripped me apart and flipped my world into something unrecognizable. I'll never be the same or whole again, and don't see life worth living being broken for the rest of it.

 

[waterrrrrrrrrbottel]

well, my dad died 2 years ago, around the time i joined. i will say it sort of shot me forward into this mindset i have now. though i will say, his death or not, i would've ended up here.

 

[invalidrev]

Ultimately, yes I'm here because of grief due to bereavement. It's spiraled into other reasons as of late, but it all started with a monumental loss in my life that ripped me apart and flipped my world into something unrecognizable. I'll never be the same or whole again, and don't see life worth living being broken for the rest of it.

I can relate to every word you said....i too had a monumental loss a few months ago.....life is not worth living without that one person with whom i spent my entire life. People expect you to move on after some time, but if that one person was your only reason to live, how can you "move on"? And to what? I'm not abnormal to feel that kind of grief ... all i did was to love someone that much, as much as life

well, my dad died 2 years ago, around the time i joined. i will say it sort of shot me forward into this mindset i have now. though i will say, his death or not, i would've ended up here.

I too would have CTBed one way or the other but it was always "some months away". Until I lost the only person who mattered in this life, and now the reality of life without that person has made CTB the only way forward... It's comforting to hear from other people who have loved someone as deeply as me...the world around me makes me feel i'm abnormal to feel this way

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to lose someone you were in love with, there's really no words for such a horrible thing as that. I know all the sympathy in the world doesn't make that sort of pain any easier. Grief contributes to a lot of why I feel as bad as I do also.

My father died when I was really young and my mother didn't want me, so I was raised by my grandparents. When you're in such a situation, you know you will have limited time with them compared to individuals who have their parents still. My grandpa died when I was 18 after battling illness for a long time. It was like losing the only real father I've ever known. All of my great aunts, uncles, my only aunt, all gone too.

Last year my grandma had an accident and it's been downhill from there. Ever since I've been dealing with the anticipatory grief, knowing that when my grandma dies I will be completely alone in this world and I'm going to be completely devastated by it.

I would still be suicidal, but pretty much my entire family dying has made everything worse. All the time you get surrounded by ads and media about how family is very precious, how only your family will love you till the end, and I'm sitting here with nothing and looking back on my childhood before everyone disappeared.

Someone I know who argues with their parents a lot and doesn't get along well with them actually told me they wish they were in my situation before. I don't think people realise grief eats you alive. Dealing with so much loss really changes a person.

 

[invalidrev]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss, I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to lose someone you were in love with, there's really no words for such a horrible thing as that. I know all the sympathy in the world doesn't make that sort of pain any easier. Grief contributes to a lot of why I feel as bad as I do also.

My father died when I was really young and my mother didn't want me, so I was raised by my grandparents. When you're in such a situation, you know you will have limited time with them compared to individuals who have their parents still. My grandpa died when I was 18 after battling illness for a long time. It was like losing the only real father I've ever known. All of my great aunts, uncles, my only aunt, all gone too.

Last year my grandma had an accident and it's been downhill from there. Ever since I've been dealing with the anticipatory grief, knowing that when my grandma dies I will be completely alone in this world and I'm going to be completely devastated by it.

I would still be suicidal, but pretty much my entire family dying has made everything worse. All the time you get surrounded by ads and media about how family is very precious, how only your family will love you till the end, and I'm sitting here with nothing and looking back on my childhood before everyone disappeared.

Someone I know who argues with their parents a lot and doesn't get along well with them actually told me they wish they were in my situation before. I don't think people realise grief eats you alive. Dealing with so much loss really changes a person.

Grief does eat you alive. I wish I had some comforting words to offer but I know none exist. All I can say is: treasure and memorize every second you have with your grandma now. Take a lot of pics and videos of her, even if its nothing special. Belive me, you will need it. The last pic I have of my mom is from 9 months ago and I cannot describe the regret I have.
I dont know if an afterlife exists, and if my mom still exists in some realm, and if I will meet her there after I die or not. All I know with certainty is, that there is NOTHING for me in this world anymore. I cannot enjoy anything here knowing how she suffered in her life till the very end. I will join her very soon, wherever she is, whether in another realm, or gone into dust, does not matter.

 

[Marco77]

Yes, I'm here for a terrible loss. I saw the most important person in my family die by suicide. For me life ends that day. I don't give as people tell me to move on. I don't see anything in the future, I lived with him and for him. I don't think it's possible to love so many people in life and I don't think it's possible to reveal glimpses of meaning as well as changing clothes in the morning. I only loved him, but maybe I wasn't enough for him... maybe he didn't love me the same way. I know that he suffered from borderline disorder and that it was difficult for him and also his disorder coexisted with his narcissistic one. I would have loved to understand what he thought, how he felt and what he thought in his last moments. I'll never know. I miss him and will always miss him. I am an atheist and I know that I will no longer be able to touch him, feel him, caress his face, sleep on his shoulder while we watch TV. When I die my suffering will cease, but I will have nothing back, because nothing comes back.

 

[chester]

the title says it all

I've been suicidal and had problems with feeling happy and meaning of life for a long time. Until I met my fiance, who made me feel like my life was worth living in spite of all my struggles. She died earlier this year. I've never met such a person before, she didn't judge me, she even said she would help me CTB if nothing works and I continue to suffer. Her love worked. She was the reason I wanted to fight to live another day. She made me feel like we could have a "normal", happy life together. As it turns out, we can't. I knew it was too beautiful to be true for me to have someone like this in my life. I visit her grave every day. Can't wait to join her there.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Yes, grief has been a big part of my life since before my mother died when I was a child. She went from this invincible hardworking force to a fragile wheelchair user in the span of 3 months.

My grandma took on the mother role after that. She made life worth living. Some years later she died, potentially caused by my father hurting her...
I got the news from my father's slut at the time when she said: "wake up, your grandmother died. We won't be here." I had to go to uni as normal that day.
Then 1 or 2 years later it was my childhood cat, my only bestfriend, needing to be put to sleep because my father never cared for paying for 1 vet appointment.

Before all this I did charity for elder people. I would clean their house, cook, run errands, listen to them, etc. Several of them died unexpectedly and the families didn't even seem to care. One of them I went to her house, I asked where the old lady was, and their grandaughter just said casually: "oh, she died yesterday."
Another one died alone in the house and people only noticed when a horrible smell came from the house. People told me these news as if it was nothing. Those are people I got to know quite closely, that felt lonely, some didn't have money to eat every day. It hurt me how their death was just that sentence and I wasn't allowed to cry.

I'm afraid every day that my boyfriend will die suddenly and I keep having nightmares with death, like I did tonight.
I did EMDR therapy to process this trauma but it only made me more miserable.

 

[invalidrev]

My life has become like a death loop ever since my mother passed away. Every day i relive her routine un my mind's eye, seeing what she used to do, her daily chores, her words, what we used to do together. It just goes on and on day by day. I cannot break out of it, nor do I want to. My sibling and dad have long since forgotten her and moved on with their lives, as if nothing happened. My mother worked tooth and nail for all of us, yet my family forgot her in a few days, When I talk about her, needing someone to share my grief and my memories, they get irritated. I don't understand this world at all. Only in the posts on this thread, I feel like people understand my grief and what true love is.

 

[chester]

My sibling and dad have long since forgotten her and moved on with their lives, as if nothing happened.

Everybody deals with their grief differently. I know it may look as though this is what they feel like, but I wouldn't be so quick to judge. There was a time when I thought I wasn't doing too bad. Until it depression hit me again.

I realized I was compartmentalizing my grief. I was putting it in a mental box and stowing it away in my mind. The truth is this is just a coping mechanism, that makes it easier to function for some time, but it never works in the long run. You know why they get irritated when you try to talk about her? Because you're trying to crack open the box they hid in the closet and free all the heartbreaking emotions locked in it. It has nothing to do with them not loving your mom. They're just scared of the grief being let loose.

I might be wrong, this is just my opinion.

 

[invalidrev]

Everybody deals with their grief differently. I know it may look as though this is what they feel like, but I wouldn't be so quick to judge. There was a time when I thought I wasn't doing too bad. Until it depression hit me again.

I realized I was compartmentalizing my grief. I was putting it in a mental box and stowing it away in my mind. The truth is this is just a coping mechanism, that makes it easier to function for some time, but it never works in the long run. You know why they get irritated when you try to talk about her? Because you're trying to crack open the box they hid in the closet and free all the heartbreaking emotions locked in it. It has nothing to do with them not loving your mom. They're just scared of the grief being let loose.

I might be wrong, this is just my opinion.

Thank you, I much appreciate your point of view - I never thought of it like that and it could be the case.

However I am unable to compartmentalize my feelings like that, I don't feel the least interest in carrying on without her. But yes, I will look at my family's behavior differently now.

 

[chester]

I don't feel the least interest in carrying on without her

I think my key point is (at least from my experience), that it's not a conscious decision, it's something that happens on its own when emotions get too overwhelming. It's a subconscious process.

Either way, I'm glad if I could help you at least a tiny bit. I'm sorry for your loss. I wish I could say something smart, but I know what it's like to be on the receiving end. Sometimes there's just nothing useful or meaningful one can say.

 

[karel1987]

Lost my mother for years ago. The one persone who supported me. I always was depressed and anxious but her death maked things worse. I hope I find the courage to die

 

[Rishi Forbes Das]

That and loneliness

 

[neonzebra]

My mother's death, yes.
It's waking up everyday and realising no one truly deeply loves or cares for you except the one person who is gone.

 

[needthebus]

i am dealing with severe grief. it's possible i would not be quite this suicidal if this person has stayed alive.

I am also physically ugly and, at this point, somewhat unhealthy. I come from a physically abusive family, I've never been in a long-term relationship, and I was the victim of sexual violence in my late teens making new relationships extremely difficult. I also had terrible experiences with the mental health industry and it's left me reluctant to get professional help because I fear experiencing further unethical and cruel behavior. So I'm totally isolated and have no support and the only person I liked is dead. Granted, this person was a drinker who wasn't always nice due to drinking, and we had drifted apart, but they were still my favorite person. I also feel like grief groups and al-anon groups are likely to have a lot of religious or psuedo-religious spiritual content ("higher powers"/"connection with the universe"/other bs). I'm just dealing with things alone.

It's hard because my financial situation is not great, I'm terrified of being locked up again for suicide ideation or an attempt, and I'm having a harder and harder time doing my job. I'm just incredibly unhappy. I like myself and don't even necessarily hate life as a concept, but I'm in pain and miserable and I don't really have any support and I'm just not willing to be degraded again by mental health professionals even if it "could" be different this time. I'm just out, peace, see ya, and I just don't know when. It's possibly I end up changing my mind at some point, but I doubt it. I wish I had support to work through all of this, but my distrust of the mental health industry is too ingrained and my hatred for them all is rabid. All the other organizations that provide support are religious. It's just not an easily solvable problem, and to make my life even possibly okay would require a tremendous amount of effort and I still could end up very unhappy. So I am planning for the end.

 

[invalidrev]

My mother's death, yes.
It's waking up everyday and realising no one truly deeply loves or cares for you except the one person who is gone.

I fully understand your pain, I am going through the same.

 

[crowghost]

partially, it's not my only reason for wanting to ctb but my mom died of cancer last year and i've felt absolutely broken since. she wanted to live, and i never have, yet i'm still here and she isn't.

 

[invalidrev]

partially, it's not my only reason for wanting to ctb but my mom died of cancer last year and i've felt absolutely broken since. she wanted to live, and i never have, yet i'm still here and she isn't.

Same with me @crowghost - my mother was very active and full of life. She was the anchor of my family, the one who held my family together, loved and cared and toiled for each one of us till the very end. And she got taken away very very suddenly, no chance to say anything to her or discuss how to live without her or tell her that she is my whole world. She is gone, and i am still here. But not for long.

 

[serafim1218]

I'm here because my best friend CTB earlier this year. I found this website after going thru her phone, her search history wasn't even in incognito.

There's a lot to be said but me and her have been best friends for a decade, both severely depressed. I can't wrap my head around it still, but now I've grown to understand why she didn't want to be here anymore.