Is anyone else 100% doomed and certain to ctb within the next year?

[Wayfaerer]

I've come to the horrifying realization in May of this year that I'm a dead man walking. It changes how you perceive everything and it has made me an entirely new person in what feels like the flip of a switch. I've never been acutely suicidal before then (no attempts) but I had fantasized about suicide for many years because of how I'd lived for so long. I have lost my physical health and as a result, my mental health. This year has been catastrophic to my GPA and there is no recouping any of this mess. As I've been dragging it out over all of these months, I've been watching the rest of it burn around me because I have not the energy to continue anymore. It's not that I feel that life is undesirable in and of itself, even if it is pointless, technically speaking. It's the fact that I am trapped within circumstances I'm simply unable to overcome. I've been stuck in this nightmare reality that is so bad that I cannot fully believe that it is real.

Every moment of every day is just pure dread and misery. I live in a state of perpetual shock because of how rapidly my life had deteriorated. I've been overcome with such monstrous disappointment that my mind is simply not able to process all of it. The kind of disappointment that feels like it had executed your spirit with a guillotine. I'm merely holding out for a little longer because I need to make up for as much lost time as I possibly can with what money I have left, even if I don't really feel like it. I was trying to play the "long game" but the long game played me in the end. Never had a job, never had a girlfriend, didn't even have friends until the past couple of years, and just didn't have a life at all outside of video games and academics for the longest time, but this was finally looking to change shortly before all of this. I've lost all desire for anything without the assistence of drugs, and the ones that I use I've developed a high tolerance to. I have to put on a grand act in front of family and friends because they must not catch on to what I am going to be forced to do, and it is agonizing to think how they'll react once they get the news.

I'm so certain to ctb that I single-handedly ruined my career prospects in my dream field in only a matter of a couple of semesters. I've also ruined my life in other ways to boot, because why not? I'm only going to end it all anyway. After so many years of struggle, I've finally given up on life. Everything. I'm only 27. So much life experience that I lost and will never be able to have, knowing full well now that it didn't have to be this way (unless determinism is correct.)

I had went to having been the most optimistic that I have ever been in all of my adult life to the most pessimistic in an incredibly short amount of time.

Anyone else feel similarly in any way? I would've formatted the OP better but my mind has been caught in such a fog from chronic high-stress and drug use that I can barely form coherent thoughts anymore. I'm finished. I've got until May of 2020 IF all goes according to plan. If not, then it's going to end even sooner. Thank you for reading.

 

[Fragile]

i feel exactly the same way, and i have a similar deadline. but one thing is certain, next year i'm 100% dead unless a literal miracle happens.

you know, i can resonate with a lot of what you feel, my health being taken away from me was what made my mental health so unbelievable terrible, i just can't go back to believing that there is something worth living for with this body of mine and so much pain both mental and physical. this is a battle against my anxiety and drug withdrawals every single day, i can't hold on much longer.

life is just so unfair, but it could've been so much better, i really wanted to live a "normal" life, something that i could bear with. but life turned out so fucked and irreparable, some days i can't believe that this is not just a horrible nightmare and i'll wake up knowing that none of this was real. at least i'll get to die and all of this will be over.

sorry that you are feeling like this, acting normal while feeling so terrible is extremely hard.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

The loss of my physical health really started the mental decline. I lost the career that I loved, didn't qualify for disability so couldn't retrain, took some courses, but instructors strike f**ked up my exams. Discovered that my daughter really dislikes me—had to go nc with her. Mother died, and my brother hates me. Doctors won't prescribe pain or sleep meds. Have been suicidal for decades. So many times I have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. I'm even sidelined at volunteer places. I just can't go on another year. I'm 56 on the 21st. It's time to stop sucking up resources and let useful people have a go at stuff.

 

[angele]

Yup... Already made my choice and hopefully won't be here much longer. Wish peace to u my friend

 

[Azzy69]

Yes... When I try to think about my future self my mind goes completely blank. Lol !

 

[mathieu]

I feel like I'm at the end of the road, too. It's just time for the credits to roll. I've lived way past the point where I should have died, I think.

 

[Ghosted]

I'm going to try to find a neurologist who can help me, or at least diagnose me besides brain injury. I have to go to a country where I don't speak the language and I don't if I'm even capable of learning another language. I will be traveling alone I knowing there is a chance I might not be able to walk, getting a cold will put me in the hospital, and my cat is going to think I abandoned her (I have a wonderful roommate, my cat will be well cared for).

This a is almost too much for me to deal with. I'm over a two-day panic attack, but I'm still stuck with trying to figure everything out.

Personally, I don't think I'll make it past January.

 

[Jean4]

I may not last out the day.

 

[mattwitt]

At one point I didn't think I would make it to see 2019 And I definitely didn't see myself making it to 2020 at all. I've been doing some recovery type things since April of this year and all it's done is bought me more time and made me realize that there will be no long term recovery for me. At this point I don't think I'll be here to see Spring.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I've come to the horrifying realization in May of this year that I'm a dead man walking. It changes how you perceive everything and it has made me an entirely new person in what feels like the flip of a switch. I've never been acutely suicidal before then (no attempts) but I had fantasized about suicide for many years because of how I'd lived for so long. I have lost my physical health and as a result, my mental health. This year has been catastrophic to my GPA and there is no recouping any of this mess. As I've been dragging it out over all of these months, I've been watching the rest of it burn around me because I have not the energy to continue anymore. It's not that I feel that life is undesirable in and of itself, even if it is pointless, technically speaking. It's the fact that I am trapped within circumstances I'm simply unable to overcome. I've been stuck in this nightmare reality that is so bad that I cannot fully believe that it is real.

Every moment of every day is just pure dread and misery. I live in a state of perpetual shock because of how rapidly my life had deteriorated. I've been overcome with such monstrous disappointment that my mind is simply not able to process all of it. The kind of disappointment that feels like it had executed your spirit with a guillotine. I'm merely holding out for a little longer because I need to make up for as much lost time as I possibly can with what money I have left, even if I don't really feel like it. I was trying to play the "long game" but the long game played me in the end. Never had a job, never had a girlfriend, didn't even have friends until the past couple of years, and just didn't have a life at all outside of video games and academics for the longest time, but this was finally looking to change shortly before all of this. I've lost all desire for anything without the assistence of drugs, and the ones that I use I've developed a high tolerance to. I have to put on a grand act in front of family and friends because they must not catch on to what I am going to be forced to do, and it is agonizing to think how they'll react once they get the news.

I'm so certain to ctb that I single-handedly ruined my career prospects in my dream field in only a matter of a couple of semesters. I've also ruined my life in other ways to boot, because why not? I'm only going to end it all anyway. After so many years of struggle, I've finally given up on life. Everything. I'm only 27. So much life experience that I lost and will never be able to have, knowing full well now that it didn't have to be this way (unless determinism is correct.)

I had went to having been the most optimistic that I have ever been in all of my adult life to the most pessimistic in an incredibly short amount of time.

Anyone else feel similarly in any way? I would've formatted the OP better but my mind has been caught in such a fog from chronic high-stress and drug use that I can barely form coherent thoughts anymore. I'm finished. I've got until May of 2020 IF all goes according to plan. If not, then it's going to end even sooner. Thank you for reading.

I'm in a similar situation as you are. My goal is to ctb by 10/1/2020. But sooner if i can get myself to decide on a method and focus and concentrate and work to get it done.

A quick read through this thread , through this site will give anyone a glimpse of the hell many of us are in. They say "we are mentally ill" for wanting to commit suicide. Mentally ill for wanting to escape unbearable pain? No that's not being mentally ill but a rational response to the badness of that individual's life.

Why is almost every country in the world( with different cultures, religions etc.) virtually a suicide prohibition state where suicide methods are banned and suicide is a taboo subject? It's not in our genes because humans are born mainly blank slates.

 

[ninthhokage]

I'm out as soon as my SN delivers.

 

[Jumper]

"It's the fact that I am trapped within circumstances I'm simply unable to overcome. I've been stuck in this nightmare reality that is so bad that I cannot fully believe that it is real.

Every moment of every day is just pure dread and misery. I live in a state of perpetual shock because of how rapidly my life had deteriorated. I've been overcome with such monstrous disappointment that my mind is simply not able to process all of it. "

This is exactly how I feel. I started with mental illness, and then a physical issue was added. I cannot process or accept it, and I experience derealization. Every moment is horrifying.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Personally, I don't think I'll make it past January

I think I'll do it in January. I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of suffering.

"It's the fact that I am trapped within circumstances I'm simply unable to overcome. I've been stuck in this nightmare reality that is so bad that I cannot fully believe that it is real.

Every moment of every day is just pure dread and misery. I live in a state of perpetual shock because of how rapidly my life had deteriorated. I've been overcome with such monstrous disappointment that my mind is simply not able to process all of it. "

This is exactly how I feel. I started with mental illness, and then a physical issue was added. I cannot process or accept it, and I experience derealization. Every moment is horrifying.

Same here.

 

[Manja]

I'm out as soon as my SN delivers.

Me too...my deadline was this week but I had to change method...

 

[Reyki6667]

If ketamine /psilocybin /mdma works for my mdd/disthimia/ptsd with possible ocd (mybody is extremely tensed from wake till sleep) which remove me from being 80 %+disabled, i stay alive. If not, 5g of high grade heroin mixed with benzo/alcohol will do the trick to kill me.

 

[Santiago]

You'll never get a no answer in here since everyone is in this dark state of mind where they believe they will end it asap.

Truth for many is that they are still fighting. You basically see it every time somebody sets some deadline.

 

[howard]

Soon for me, when my money runs out in a week or two. Got my method, just finding the right location.

 

[I’vehadenough]

Yes. I have to get drunk everyday to stop myself from ctb because I have to wait for something...I wanna go now tho

 

[IHaveNoIdea]

I need to read more about SN to find out how reliable it is. If it's pretty reliable I'll make an attempt sooner or later.

I'd like to try a couple more treatments before I give up.

I don't think anyone can help me though. I have neurological problems from Lyme Disease. The doctor said my body is healing, but it's definitely not.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Yup same here. I have a seriously painful condition which I've had for the past 14 years and it's only getting worse. I haven't lived. Got it when I was 20 and I'm 34 now. I don't even know what life is like. Can't spend the rest of my days like this. I serve no purpose. I wanted to get married and do so much with my life. I don't know what love feels like. From a man I mean. I've never been in love. I've never had a career. I've never done anything meaningful. Each day is the same. I've been in isolation for 14 years since one spot the nerve condition is is inside my ears so I can't talk or listen to people. I've just had it. I'm disgusted.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yup same here. I have a seriously painful condition which I've had for the past 14 years and it's only getting worse. I haven't lived. Got it when I was 20 and I'm 34 now. I don't even know what life is like. Can't spend the rest of my days like this. I serve no purpose. I wanted to get married and do so much with my life. I don't know what love feels like. From a man I mean. I've never been in love. I've never had a career. I've never done anything meaningful. Each day is the same. I've been in isolation for 14 years since one spot the nerve condition is is inside my ears so I can't talk or listen to people. I've just had it. I'm disgusted.

I don't know how you were able to live with that for 14 straight years. You've tried your hardest and I respect that. Honestly, I don't think I would've lasted as long but then again I've never had to endure your condition. If it's any consolation, it is not your fault in anyway whatsoever so please don't blame yourself. If it were your fault, it'd be 10+ times worse for your mental health, believe me. As far as the lack of love or career, I can very much relate to that 100%. I came close to at least having a very satisfying career and my own independence but it turned to dust right before I was able to obtain it. I have nothing now.

 

[Mariomcfly]

I've come to the horrifying realization in May of this year that I'm a dead man walking. It changes how you perceive everything and it has made me an entirely new person in what feels like the flip of a switch. I've never been acutely suicidal before then (no attempts) but I had fantasized about suicide for many years because of how I'd lived for so long. I have lost my physical health and as a result, my mental health. This year has been catastrophic to my GPA and there is no recouping any of this mess. As I've been dragging it out over all of these months, I've been watching the rest of it burn around me because I have not the energy to continue anymore. It's not that I feel that life is undesirable in and of itself, even if it is pointless, technically speaking. It's the fact that I am trapped within circumstances I'm simply unable to overcome. I've been stuck in this nightmare reality that is so bad that I cannot fully believe that it is real.

Every moment of every day is just pure dread and misery. I live in a state of perpetual shock because of how rapidly my life had deteriorated. I've been overcome with such monstrous disappointment that my mind is simply not able to process all of it. The kind of disappointment that feels like it had executed your spirit with a guillotine. I'm merely holding out for a little longer because I need to make up for as much lost time as I possibly can with what money I have left, even if I don't really feel like it. I was trying to play the "long game" but the long game played me in the end. Never had a job, never had a girlfriend, didn't even have friends until the past couple of years, and just didn't have a life at all outside of video games and academics for the longest time, but this was finally looking to change shortly before all of this. I've lost all desire for anything without the assistence of drugs, and the ones that I use I've developed a high tolerance to. I have to put on a grand act in front of family and friends because they must not catch on to what I am going to be forced to do, and it is agonizing to think how they'll react once they get the news.

I'm so certain to ctb that I single-handedly ruined my career prospects in my dream field in only a matter of a couple of semesters. I've also ruined my life in other ways to boot, because why not? I'm only going to end it all anyway. After so many years of struggle, I've finally given up on life. Everything. I'm only 27. So much life experience that I lost and will never be able to have, knowing full well now that it didn't have to be this way (unless determinism is correct.)

I had went to having been the most optimistic that I have ever been in all of my adult life to the most pessimistic in an incredibly short amount of time.

Anyone else feel similarly in any way? I would've formatted the OP better but my mind has been caught in such a fog from chronic high-stress and drug use that I can barely form coherent thoughts anymore. I'm finished. I've got until May of 2020 IF all goes according to plan. If not, then it's going to end even sooner. Thank you for reading.

I am and it all should happen within the week.

 

[Moonicide]

Yes, I intend to ctb before the New Year. There's no way I'm living to see 2020.
Just waiting for my Meto to arrive. I hope you all find peace.

 

[999888]

I would not say 100%. But there is a great chance of this happening depending on the situations.

 

[Wayfaerer]

You'll never get a no answer in here since everyone is in this dark state of mind where they believe they will end it asap.

Truth for many is that they are still fighting. You basically see it every time somebody sets some deadline.

I was expecting that but I'm still interested in the stories of those who are as utterly hopeless as I am. I can usually tell who falls into which camp of "hopeless" or hopeless if enough information is given I think.

 

[Reyki6667]

I was expecting that but I'm still interested in the stories of those who are as utterly hopeless as I am. I can usually tell who falls into which camp of "hopeless" or hopeless if enough information is given I think.

I am hopeless actually to point of supplying shrooms, keta and h frol the dn, to experiment on my iwn body. Ibal already prepared tovend it so..... And there n guarantee that the severity if my situation will be lifted.

And for the previous comment stating dark state of mind, ate you reaaally serious? Thus isnt only a dark state of mind like you believe so.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Yes I am defo within the next year, just not sure when exactly as things keeo popping up.

 

[Weakling666]

Feel the same way. Have attempted before, so am just researching more into it to make sure the next time works. I figure sometime in February. Though every day is tempting...

 

[ReadyToMeetMyMaker]

If I can stay married to my wife I will stay alive. If and when the divorce goes through i plan on Ctb'ing once i get all my affairs in order.

 

[Wayfaerer]

The tragic thing is, is that my life would've been a great recovery story. If only I wasn't plagued with the mistakes I had made before the recovery part...