I really struggle to keep on the act in front of my family. Since October when I almost killed myself I tried to be more friendly to them. And I achieved that. But I cannot carry that much longer. The guilt of what I am doing to them when I ctb is eating me live. I have vivid nightmares. Years ago I dreamed of hell. Now I don't believe in it anymore. What is for certain instead is their severe suffering when I kill myself.
I could not act longer in front of my family. They have done this to me. I am a wreck. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. My grandma Was here and I was so sick of it. I ignored them because I thought soon is Christmas and I will have to suck it up and spend time with them, be friendly, pretend as if everything Was fine.
Especially, at Christmas the celebration of love and all of that. It feels to hypocritical. It feels So shallow. I wish I grew up in a normal not abusive family.
I could not act longer in front of my family. They have done this to me. I am a wreck. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. My grandma Was here and I was so sick of it. I ignored them because I thought soon is Christmas and I will have to suck it up and spend time with them, be friendly, pretend as if everything Was fine.
Especially, at Christmas the celebration of love and all of that. It feels to hypocritical. It feels So shallow. I wish I grew up in a normal not abusive family.
