Involuntary treatment

[Lotus]

I'm again admitted to the hospital against my will. Is this a setback or an opportunity to let go of my suicidal thoughts? I have so mixed emotions about my psychiatrist who sent me here. Ironically, he's wanted me to get angry at him for quite some time to get in touch with my feelings. Now I am angry at him. At the same time I respect that he doesn't want to worry about me over the holiday. And we both believe that he now has done everything in his power to keep me alive. He does mean a lot to me, and even though we both know that this is my choice, it's important that I'm sure that he knows he coudn't do anything more for me. He told me that he cares about me, but I wish that we left each other in a more peaceful state instead of getting rushed to the hospital.

In my country they can hold me hospitalized against my will for 24 hours without reason before they evaluate if they find reason to hold me here longer. They will probaby have made a decision by tomorrow morning. If I get released I am one step closer to CTB next week, but I know that they can hold me hospitalized for a long time if they think it's necessary. It's weird that one doctor separates life and death. Maybe I should have been more secretive about CTB. How do you know how much that is good for you to share? Do I want help or do I think that CTB isn't such a big deal anymore and I can't understand all the fuzz about it?

 

[Susannah]

Sorry to hear you're hospitalized against your will. When it comes to sharing your thoughts regarding ctb or level of depression, it depends on whether you want help from the psyc ward or not. If you want out, hide your feelings. Keep quite and talk as little as you can. When being asked if you're suicidal now, say no. Good luck and lots of love

 

[Lotus]

So I was released from the hospital. I was kind of expecting it, but I was somewhat afraid that they would hold me longer. I've set the date for next week, which I told them, so I'm feeling some sort of acceptance and relief about my choice. I've sent a message to my psychiatrist so he knows what's going on and that I've appriciated his help for the last weeks. He replied with "merry christmas". Even though I wish we had a more pleasant goodbye yesterday, I feel some sort of a final goodbye now. It makes me a bit teary to be honest, but also happy and calm. My family is also contacted about my CTB, both method and date. I'm sort of holding my breath, but I think my last days will be very calm and without interruption from anyone. It's risky to be so honest, but I think my transparency will make it easier for my family at the end.

Thank you for your support @Susannah .
And I have to call my mom. Jesus christ. I don't know what she's going to say, but I know she supported me leaving the hospital today. Hopefully it will turn out alright.

 

[Susannah]

So I was released from the hospital. I was kind of expecting it, but I was somewhat afraid that they would hold me longer. I've set the date for next week, which I told them, so I'm feeling some sort of acceptance and relief about my choice. I've sent a message to my psychiatrist so he knows what's going on and that I've appriciated his help for the last weeks. He replied with "merry christmas". Even though I wish we had a more pleasant goodbye yesterday, I feel some sort of a final goodbye now. It makes me a bit teary to be honest, but also happy and calm. My family is also contacted about my CTB, both method and date. I'm sort of holding my breath, but I think my last days will be very calm and without interruption from anyone. It's risky to be so honest, but I think my transparency will make it easier for my family at the end.

Thank you for your support @Susannah .
And I have to call my mom. Jesus christ. I don't know what she's going to say, but I know she supported me leaving the hospital today. Hopefully it will turn out alright.

I'm very confused now. You actually told people around you that you wanna ctb, and your psychiatrist wished you a merry christmas?

 

[Lotus]

I'm very confused now. You actually told people around you that you wanna ctb, and your psychiatrist wished you a merry christmas?

To be fair, my psychiatrist has done everything he can do. He's the one who made the emergency call and had me admitted to the hospital against my will, but his decision making ends there. He's not the one that decides if I have to stay longer at the hospital. If he was the one to decide I would be admitted until the beginning of January when he comes back to work. The message is also translated to English, so that the original message in my language is more of a "I wish you the best over the holiday".

But it's a bit odd that the hospital let me go, but yeah... I'm not complaining.

 

[TAW122]

Either way, whatever happens in the next week, I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose to make.

 

[Lotus]

Either way, whatever happens in the next week, I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose to make.

Thank you for your support!

 

[Sensei]

This is much to take in. I'm happy that your psychiatrist wants to save you and that you appriciate that. It's obvious that you are conflicted, wanting to die and wanting to be saved at the same time. I get the impression that there's nothing forcing you to CTB now other than your intense feelings of despair. Am I correct? I think that it might be a good idea for you to wait until you feel calm and balanced again.

I recognise this. The raging emotions, the bottomless despair, the overwhelming desire to die, the desperate wish to be saved. Are you by any chance bipolar?

 

[Lotus]

This is much to take in. I'm happy that your psychiatrist wants to save you and that you appriciate that. It's obvious that you are conflicted, wanting to die and wanting to be saved at the same time. I get the impression that there's nothing forcing you to CTB now other than your intense feelings of despair. Am I correct? I think that it might be a good idea for you to wait until you feel calm and balanced again.

I recognise this. The raging emotions, the bottomless despair, the overwhelming desire to die, the desperate wish to be saved. Are you by any chance bipolar?

I've spent the last day just thinking, and I think that you're right that I am conflicted. The odd thing is that my psychiatrist is the one that is the reason. I don't know if that's sad or if I just have so much trust in him and that I appriciate that he's truly recognised me for what I am and that he has expressed that he has so much care for me and that he wants me to live further. I think what I really want is his acceptance of my choice because his opinion means a lot to me, but I know it's far-fetched. I am so sad that I feel conflicted and I don't want to wait, but I think that is maybe what I have to do. Oh.. So many mixed emotions.

I'm not bipolar. I don't think that they are sure of "what's wrong with me", but I have history of a decade of childhood sexual abuse.

 

[Sensei]

I've spent the last day just thinking, and I think that you're right that I am conflicted. The odd thing is that my psychiatrist is the one that is the reason. I don't know if that's sad or if I just have so much trust in him and that I appriciate that he's truly recognised me for what I am and that he has expressed that he has so much care for me and that he wants me to live further. I think what I really want is his acceptance of my choice because his opinion means a lot to me, but I know it's far-fetched. I am so sad that I feel conflicted and I don't want to wait, but I think that is maybe what I have to do. Oh.. So many mixed emotions.

I suggest that you give it some time. With all due respect, I don't think you are in your right mind to make such an important decision right now. Once it's done, it can't be undone. However long you wait, your option to CTB won't disappear.

I'm not bipolar. I don't think that they are sure of "what's wrong with me", but I have history of a decade of childhood sexual abuse.

Bipolar disorder is tricky. A common estimate is that as many as 40 % initially get an incorrect diagnosis. The main problem is that the first episode usually is depressive, so there's no history of manic or hypomanic episodes. Be that as it may, if you are bipolar it will eventually show. If you're not bipolar, good for you.

 

[Lotus]

I suggest that you give it some time. With all due respect, I don't think you are in your right mind to make such an important decision right now. Once it's done, it can't be undone. However long you wait, your option to CTB won't disappear.



Bipolar disorder is tricky. A common estimate is that as many as 40 % initially get an incorrect diagnosis. The main problem is that the first episode usually is depressive, so there's no history of manic or hypomanic episodes. Be that as it may, if you are bipolar it will eventually show. If you're not bipolar, good for you.

Thank you for your insight. I know in my heart that you are right, even though it's hard to admit.

I'm very open to whatever diagnostic criteria I fulfill. Several psychiatrists that I have met is really sure that I'm not suffering from bipolar disorder, but I know that they could be wrong and that their assessment can change over time.

 

[Sensei]

Thank you for your insight. I know in my heart that you are right, even though it's hard to admit.

Then trust your heart.

I'm very open to whatever diagnostic criteria I fulfill. Several psychiatrists that I have met is really sure that I'm not suffering from bipolar disorder, but I know that they could be wrong and that their assessment can change over time.

I'm no psychiatrist, but in my experience it takes a serious disorder such as bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder to become as desperately suicidal as you are. If they can find out what you're suffering from they can give you proper treatment and I think that will be an enormous relief for you.

 

[Lotus]

Then trust your heart.



I'm no psychiatrist, but in my experience it takes a serious disorder such as bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder to become as desperately suicidal as you are. If they can find out what you're suffering from they can give you proper treatment and I think that will be an enormous relief for you.

You might be right. I just feel like a lost cause.

 

[Sensei]

You might be right. I just feel like a lost cause.

It would be hypocrisy to say that there are no lost causes, but you're not one of them. You're too intelligent and perceptive for that.