intrusive thoughts

[monetpompo]

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i bought some orange juice today. oranges are in season now, so it tastes really good. i actually used to hate the taste when i was younger because i would get forced to drink it, but it would taste too tart for me. i still prefer lemonade more, but it's cheaper to buy a carton of orange juice.

sister came back home 30 minutes ago and gave me a cute keychain. i felt bad since she bought something for me when i'm gonna be dying soon. these past few weeks have mostly been me jerking off and laying around in my room since there's not much for me to do with no job and just my online courses. i have no real want to do anything and i don't want to talk to anyone about how i'm feeling since i don't want to burden them or deal with them telling me i need to live and stuff. i don't want to make people feel bad for me anymore. i feel all gross and feeling gross makes me feel irritable. i snapped at my brother yesterday. it's hard to stop being anxious without doing some stupid thing like jerking off or hitting myself to override my brain.

i have all my stuff. i know the knots i plan on doing (i'm gonna look at my phone still lol) and i have a small stool i can lug. i can just slink off into the woods. i always think about how tonight could be the night and no would know except me. i'm thinking about leaving everything behind. if i wipe my laptop, then i'll lose the saves of the games i pirated, which is kind of annoying. i haven't really wanted to go on the forum as much since i like posting more than reading (narcissist). thank you to everybody who reads my post. a phrase i've been thinking of is "melting away", since i feel less like i'm rotting and more like i'm being consumed by a feeling of apathy that makes it hard to think or do stuff. if i live long enough to do my next semester's classes i think i would just bomb them now because i have 0 motivation lol. my future just seems bleak in the way where i don't think i'll progress and everyone's just gonna move past me eventually. i'm hardly a part of anybody's lives now after isolating so much. i just don't want to jerk off and keep hating myself for being jobless anymore. i don't want to talk to other people when i have no hope that my life's going to get any better beyond buying stuff or playing games because they give me dopamine.

 

[DTA]

Society has the idea that if you just get a good (read: high paying) job and buy a bunch of crap you'll be happy. The rampant depression in society would seem to indicate that's not true.

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Something that does make you happy or motivate you?

 

[monetpompo]

Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Something that does make you happy or motivate you?

i like watching movies. haven't watched one in a bit because i get reminded of my friend who i used to watch movies with but started distancing myself from, so it makes me feel sad when i try to do it now. that was my favorite thing to do and it probably still is, but i feel like i just don't want to do it again. i also like to go for walks in nature. it's been rainier though so i haven't been. when i tell people about my apathy they usually ask me what i like to do too lol. i know i'm not really helping by jerking off to stave off thoughts about worthlessness and watching 50 million youtube videos. i used to like reading, but i get overwhelmed easily at having to read stuff now. i hate how whiny depression makes me sound. i'm still technically a person but literally all i do is mess around and wait to die. i just want to be less of a burden on my family. that's why i want a job.

 

[DTA]

It's okay to sound whiny. That's sorta what this forum is for!
Try to find a job involving those hobbies somehow. Depending on where you live there may still be brick-and-mortar video stores - usually ones that cater to campy or niche movies, or comic book stores. Or, depending what kind of nature it is you walk through, you might be able to lead nature walks as a guide. I used to do that when I was younger. There's likely other options too.
Especially if you're having difficulty with motivation, finding work doing something you enjoy will help you a lot, even if it doesn't pay as much as other jobs. In your case I think doing otherwise would only make you more depressed!